This what I’m calling the times I’m literally making another major internal emotional shift. There have been many over recent years.

I’m beginning to suspect if I look back many if not all of my physical/mental breakdowns, and any other times I was extremely emotionally activated and overwhelmed happened during a time I was making some kind of internal shift with my thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.

Until recently I was not that consciously aware that’s what was happening during these times.

Used to believe I had to find the experts to help me discover what’s wrong with me.

They would diagnose me, use me as a ginnea pig for medications, and I’m continuously reminded that sleep, diet and exercise are important to maintain.

When I tried to articulate what was going on within me emotionally. Trying to express my feelings. Psychiatrists and psychotherapists over the years just got more and more impatient with me. I was wasting their time I guess. Me trying to make sense and explain and justify my lived experiences.All they wanted to know was what were my symptoms in reaction all the meds they put me on. If I made new emotional awarenesses I was somehow magically suppose to immediately move forward and not let any of my old experiences hold me back.

For me I can get caught up on all I didn’t get. Yes I can survive on a lack of “authentic emotional supports, but there’s this huge part of me that is now so hyper aware that I’m missing a lot of emotional “nutrients/food” which directly impacts my quality of life. I know I can “survive” with the deficiency. I have even proven how “resilient” I am.

The fact is transitioning into a completely new world of thought. Reconnecting to feelings current and past is an extremely difficult and overwhelming process and to do it alone because no one in my day to day life even attempts to show interest, empathy or compassion.

It’s another long holiday weekend and other then my niece. So being resilient does not erase the pain that I’m on no one’s radar this weekend. Other then one of my nieces. Even there though I had to fit into only what she attention she had to spare. She as well as everyone else has no clue the depth of the emotional growth I’m trying to navigate and it’s so damn hard to do it in isolation.