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    Becoming a grandmother

    I thought becoming a grandmother would be the most exciting thing in the world. Instead it’s made me extremely depressed because I don’t get to see him. I don’t even get a FaceTime with him. My heart is broken by the way I was treated after he was born. It was during the pandemic. I found out later her Mother was able to hold him. I was not able to hold him until he was 8 weeks old and I had to wear a hazmat suit. Her mother did not. She was able to hold him from day one. My husband and I are a lot older than her parents and we are not as well off financially. My son aloud this to happen and did nothing to stop it. I do not feel anything anymore. I have a brain injury that has gotten worse due to the depression and hurt I suffer with everyday. I don’t feel like a grandmother nor am I treated as one. On my birthday this past October I got a call from both my sons thats it. I waited for a FaceTime from my grandson that never came. I was devastated. They live close by it’s not like it’s out of state. We are not aloud to babysit him. We have offered and they make an excuse. Christmas with Santa Claus not us. Easter bunny not us. Valentine’s Day came and I finally had to say I had a gift and it would not reach him in time. She told me they would plan sometime to come out. They stopped in for 90 minutes sat and looked at their phones. He got his gift and they left. Everytime they leave I am crying and depressed. I hurt my back lifting him to get the mail. I’m still trying to heal my back. That was the last time we have seen or heard from them. We don’t seem to matter to them. I wanted to do something with Santa last year. My son says make it happen!!! I don’t know what he means by that. Then I see they took the train ride with Santa and we were not asked to come along. So if they already did it then why tell us to make it happen. I really have nothing to live for anymore. It’s getting worse and my son is now a stranger to me. The only way to protect my heart from more damage is to pull away. I really don’t know what else to do. I’m not rich Lyme disease took all my money. These last 3 years have been a living hell. Lost my mother , my brother and 6 others to suicide. Plus 22 more. I can’t even work anymore on line.

    5 reactions

    Hopeless , Isolated # anxiety #Isolation #chronic pain

    Today I realised how lonely I have become over the years of my illnesses. First came the anxiety and depression from a trauma that left me too afraid to go out and mix with others. Then came the relentless pressure from so called experts about my PTSD and years of fighting for compensation, whilst being accused of lying and using the system, to the point of court. This made my anxiety worse and my depression. I constantly felt let down by those colleagues and friends who were ( I thought) there to help me but instead deserted me afloat on an island of despair. Now it’s the constant struggle with Fibromyalgia, which has impacted by cutting me off from society and friendships again. I sometimes wonder why I keep going as it seems that my life is continually in flux and my body is betraying me in so many ways? How many of you have felt this way? How do you cope? # PTSD #Depression # Chronic Pain# Alone

    11 reactions 3 comments

    Waking up in sadness #Bipolar depression #Isolation #chronic pain

    Every time I wake up I feel like I am in deep darkness and so much more desperate and empty and depressed than before I fell matter if it is from sleeping at night or if I only fall asleep for 30 minutes during the day. I am already in a deep's just so much worse when I wake up. This makes it so hard to function or even go on. Does this happen to anyone else? I always hope "things will be better in the morning"....that cliche I have now come to hate because it I am tired of waiting for it to actually be true. #Bipolar depression #chronic pain #Isolation

    11 reactions 8 comments
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    A game of snakes and ladders 🐍🪜🎲

    Does anyone else feel like life is just a game of snake and ladders? Except your board is mainly all snakes and very few ladders and instead of going back a couple of places, you end up going right back to the beginning, having to start from scratch each time. Losing any remaining confidence, hope and chance of fairness in the process.
    You begin to dread playing the game (life) as you know you'll never win at it, only lose every time you roll those dice, and when you do land on a ladder you stop yourself getting excited or hopeful as you know it will amount to nothing and you will soon be back at that starting position once again and that, is soul crushing.
    Sorry to bring anyone down just needed to share and no whether anyone else shares this feeling...
    #ChildLoss #Fatigue #Depression #ADHD #BPD #GroundhogDay #Isolation

    36 reactions 9 comments
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    I’m tired and hurting! #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Isolation #angry #HSP #Grief #difficultemotions

    I'm frustrated and angry right now. I never catch a break. I thought I navigated Christmas as best as I could this year.

    Dealing with CPTSD really has me so hypervigilant and then I become so reactive if I'm not careful.

    I usually only go to my mom's now for a max of 4 days. This Christmas I did make the mistake of staying longer and even with that I was met the evil eye when I left to catch my 3pm commuter train home today.

    I arrived on Dec 22 so I stayed an extra 3 days then usual over the last few years. I'm very mindful I may not have many more Christmases with my mother. She's 82 and her health is declining more and more rapidly in the recent year.

    Having said that my mom is a covert narcissit through and through. She is even worse after my dad passed away 18 months ago.

    I'm the youngest of 4 and I have the wonderful title of being the family scapegoat and I'm constantly getting gaslighted by her and my siblings. There is no winning when you have this label within the family.

    When I arrived on Dec 22 I said I was leaving on Thurs or Fri this week. Yesterday I confirmed I was leaving Fri at 3pm. I repeated that this morning and again around 1pm.

    So as I'm getting my stuff together I walk into the kitchen to say goodbye I was met with my mother's glare. I was confused and trying to figure out in my mind what have I done wrong now. You see with CPTSD the hypervigilance kicks in automatically. She then tells me she did not know I was leaving today. That I didn't tell her in advance. Now she is angry.

    At this point I'm just tired and I just reacted. My mind just goes into a jumble wondering if I'm ever listened to, but at the same time wondering how I could have done or said things differently. Unfortunately the reality is I can never win no matter what I do.

    You see a few days earlier I was accused I talk too much and keep repeating things. The "things" by the way are my feelings. If I dare to share my feelings about something in the here and now I'm constantly being accused I'm repetitive. Supposedly too pushy with my feelings, thoughts and perspective on everything. Then if I'm quiet then I'm accused I don't express myself and let anyone know what I'm thinking.

    This constant contrary treatment from my family of origin has literally made me crazy. I've suffered alone with all my mental health diagnosis over the last 30 years. To my family I'm either making it all up or I must have brought it on myself somehow.

    68 reactions 19 comments

    winter is not for me

    today it got cold, really cold. All that was reaching into my brain and pulling on loose threads of memory, ugh. So much happened in winter, from being afraid on the bus on the way home, because the road was icy but they just decided to risk it, to being trapped in the house because of the snow and the cold, nowhere to go to soothe myself after my mother's anger, contempt and bitterness, to being afraid out in the snow because it muffled everything, both for the little color I can see and made the sounds go away, all the things that would have oriented me were covered, all of it was smothered and that's how today feels, like it's smothering me. I know flashbacks are not the same as memories, but it's an odd line for me, because I have had the kinds of experience where you feel like it's physically happening again, but these experiences I'm having today, I know logically I'm here in my own apartment, the time and day if I concentrate I can tell you, but the emotions I'm having are exactly what I felt then, so I'm not sure if it's a memory or not. Some of us are trapped in the then, some are conscious of the now logic but we're all scared. Scared of what might happen, what has happened, and how similar it all feels because in every experience there was either turning you from a person into a target, turning you from a person into a number, or turning you from a person into something that somehow had done something that deserved isolation, humiliation, and all the confusion the world could produce. That's where I'm stuck, isolated because of not having any friends, really not knowing anyone because I was always told I was too abnormal to have long-term friends, lack of funds to get out, and confusion, because everything looks outlined, one step to the next, but then one person will say something, another will contradict it, a 3rd will give a kind of partial agreement with both others. Confusion because something was supposed to be delivered to me, but they kept delaying because they said it needs a signature and they just don't knock at the door, or I'd answer. I've done two things I usually don't do, one is to get up early and wait for them and not use my headphones for my meditation so I could hear, and the other is to sleep with my bedroom door open, something that causes me a huge amount of anxiety. I did that for 2 nights. Now fedex is giving me no other option other thn to go to their store and pick up the package there. SNAP was cut off almost 3 months ago, and they said they have a form for dad to fill out since he cosigns here, but they didn't include it with the letters or have it on their website. I'm fighting an army of confusion, and have gone from a person to a number. It's spinning my head around, and I just want someone to comfort me, someone to get it, to understand that maybe I am something closer to a person than a number or a target, someone to say "yes, I do understand, and can do something that will help in a major way" I'm worn out. So tired and yet still getting mad at myself when I made dinner and accidentally left something out, or for not cleaning everything in one or two days. God damn it I just want someone to notice that I'm still alive and breathing and maybe am worth visiting. #Dysthymia #Fibromyalgia #CPTSD #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #Loneliness #Isolation

    9 reactions 4 comments

    Job Anxiety

    #Job Search Woes
    Anyone else trying and failing to find reasonable paying employment. . I have put out literally hundreds of job applications. . I do all the "right" things that I was taught you do. The questionnaires, the panel interviews, the follow up thank you letters. Tell them I'm Autistic, don't tell them I'm Autistic. Everytime it seems all is going wonderful. You even see your work area if hired sometimes . Yet everytime I'm either ghosted or they let me know they've chosen someone else. I did mock interviews in a actual class that was supposed to teach you all this and I did well in these. I just give up it's a mystery I apparently can't fathom. I just want to easily get a job like other people seem to.

    #Anxiety #Depression #Isolation #Employment #WantToJustGiveUp

    4 reactions 2 comments

    I’m struggling #COVID19 #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #quarantine #Isolation #Upallnight

    So I have been in quarantine for almost 5 days now with COVID-19 and I feel like I am losing it. I have been unable to go to work and have only seen two people this week my husband (who had it right before I did) and my therapist ( teletherapy session ). I have been very emotional this week and it has gotten to the point where I don’t want to be around anymore. I have no plan or method and know that I could never go through with it. The isolation is messing with my head terribly. I’m just throwing my thoughts into the void and hoping maybe someone somewhere can relate. I just want my normal back.

    4 reactions 5 comments
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    Isolation / Avoidant Attachment / Boundaries ?

    The image says: "My past is an armor I cannot take off, no matter how many times you tell me the war is over." -- Jessica Katoff

    My therapist offhandedly said something about avoidant attachment style a few weeks ago and it totally changed how I think of myself and made me realize how I am really experiencing the world.
    I was always the good kid who did the right thing and helped others. I wasn't wildly popular, but just a solid *nice* person. Up until very recently, I would have told you I was a "people pleaser", and really needed the approval and love of others.
    It turns out I have some serious anger raging inside of me that I never knew was there - and it is anger toward all those people I was nice to, all those people I helped, all those people I smiled at and befriended. All the people I listened to. All the people I never said "no" to. All the people who never *saw* me.
    My last boyfriend told me all the time how he had never felt so well understood by anyone in his entire life until he met me. How could I tell him that I didn't feel at all the same about him?
    I don't know how to stop this angry part of me from putting up a barrier to protect myself after decades of no one even bothering to notice that I might have reason to be angry and that I was in fact angry. I don't know how to switch my thinking from "boundaries" to "giant flaming wall" because I'm angry that I spent all my time and energy understanding other people so well and they never did the same for me.
    I don't even know if this post makes sense, but it is such a wild mind shift for me that I am struggling to know how to think or process things these days. Thanks for reading and for being there.

    #Isolation #avoidantattachment #boundaries #Relationships #Therapy #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #spiritualabuse #EmotionalAbuse #narcissisticabusesurvivor #Family #angry