what does one do when repeated instances of grief, each iteration more debilitating and severe and in its morbid newness and uniqueness visits you constantly? Even as i expand my life in all slowness, caution and in guarded hope, there's grief (and i'm looking at grief beyond death) constantly assailing, growing ... in fact experience of loss, shame, failure, goes not just to fill your life but envelopes you... though at 56 and supposedly erudite it behooves that I be sober and equanimous. But…😢

so fondly remember, recall my carefree youth…when I had hope, faith, zest and was adventurous. Maybe I did lapse and sinned too in some terms…but nothing to justify the havoc been constantly wreaked on me today - personal & professional! Reduced to a vegetative state, in complete loneliness, scared of people and embarrassed of myself …! a bleak, devastated landscape, battle weary, battered, in grief diminished by circumstances, misfortune & mocked repeatedly that assaults my sense of well being… in many ways contra to wisdom of ‘being in the present’, recoursing to my past is perhaps the only way i feel good about myself today to the extent that it helps…the here and now not to speak about future dishevelling my mind, body & soul.

My daschund Mily tries its best to comfort and give me some meaning in my destitution … 😢
#destitution #Anxiety #Shame #Depression #prolongedgrief #Grief #SuicidalThoughts