Shame

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    It’s the hardest for me to work on. I learned many years ago the difference between guilt and shame. While guilt is “I have done something bad,” shame is “I am bad.” If you are like me who has dealt with shame since I was a small child it became a part of my identity and became the excuse for everything negative in my life. People are treating me horribly because there is something wrong with me. This person said this horrible thing to me because I am so flawed. I believed I was the reason for all these types of happenings. It took years of practice to finally get in the habit of saying to myself. “It isn’t me, it is them.” I hold and have held myself to the standard of being compassionate and kind as I possibly can be to others. I could not treat myself with that same level of compassion and kindness. Instead for decades my default was to be hypercritical of myself and to treatment myself harshly at all times. What freed me from this cycle was something very simple. Someone asked me, “Colin, if your best friend was struggling what would you say to them? How would you treat them.” “It is time for you to start treating yourself the same way.” It has been a struggle, for my Borderline symptoms, PTSD symptoms sometimes still get the best of me. I have had to practice being compassionate to myself despite how unnatural it feels. Black and white thinking especially gets me into trouble with how I treat myself. Practicing positive affirmations during my Ketamine treatment has also really helped and helps solidify seeing myself in a more positive light. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #BlackandwhiteThinking #Shame

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    Learning about shame #HSP #Shame

    <p>Learning about shame <a class="tm-topic-link ugc-topic" title="HSP" href="/topic/hsp/" data-id="5b23ce8900553f33fe994601" data-name="HSP" aria-label="hashtag HSP">#HSP</a>  <a class="tm-topic-link ugc-topic" title="Shame" href="/topic/shame/" data-id="5b23ceb700553f33fe99c6ed" data-name="Shame" aria-label="hashtag Shame">#Shame</a> </p>
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    Depression post, trauma, and trying to get better

    Today I’m trying to take ahold of what I can control in my life. Even though I struggle with severe #Depression and #Anxiety I try and do what I can to make my life as #normal as possible. Some days aren’t always so bad and I can function okay and pretty normally despite having #suicidal thoughts. Other times I have to remind myself it’s the little #victories are a huge win. Doing a load of laundry. Splashing my face with cold water and putting on deodorant and some perfume as just getting ready for the day. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time.

    I was in some pretty bad and abusive relationships. #Drug use, #Alcohol , #DomesticViolence . My last relationship I stayed with him for so long because I felt like I was damaged goods. He gave me #herpes and I felt like my life was over. I was no longer able to be “normal”, date normally ever again. I was as good as rotten fruit, even though I only had 3 boyfriends my whole life and never had any one night stands. So I stayed, even through the manipulation, the lies, the constant verbal, emotional, and physical abuse that I was receiving daily. Why did I deserve better? Why would anyone, think anything of me besides just being damaged and just bad baggage? I didn’t deserve it, hell I was such a disappointment to myself let alone I’m sure being a disappointment to my family. I was so exhausted, so depressed, so I stayed and ignored the very obvious red flags. He even had a previous domestic charge on him from a prior relationship. He even told me in such a rage later on that he did punch her when he swore up and down he didn’t. He would constantly yell at me on my lunch breaks that I was cheating on him with my coworkers. One time when I didn’t text him back within two minutes, I was the bad guy. Getting called every name in the book, because I deserved it. He would constantly kick me, choke me, punch me in the face, spit on me, throw water on me, pull my hair, grab me so I wasn’t able to leave. Grab my phone and keys so I couldn’t call or leave on my own free will. He used to do MMA for 10+ years. One time he kicked me in my leg so hard I couldn’t walk normally for a week. He’s broken my ankle, causing me to be in crutches. Chocked me so hard the blood vessels in my eye burst. I always had bruises on my body. Yet I stayed. I wanted to die.

    I never told anyone anything until I got into therapy just a few months ago. It wasn’t until my ex screamed at me for hours about how he was going to kill me, bash my head into various objects. I finally grabbed the valuables I had, my dog, and I left when he was at work.

    So now I’m in a safe place, away from him. I cut off all communication. Deleted his photos and am donating or throwing out anything we shared together. However I’m stuck with these feelings of #Guilt , #Shame and #anger . I wish I wasn’t scarred from all this but I am. I wish I could date again normally but idk that’s going to take a lot of time. I want to tell him nasty things he told me to get back at him. I’m upset at myself for not leaving when I so should have. I’m trying to deal with these emotions and trauma. So anyways I’m just sitting here folding my laundry and cleaning out my closet because so far that’s what I have control over. I’m still incredibly suicidal because I feel like I can’t be normal or date normally so the future is scary. I feel better finally and I’m glad I left. I’m just now trying to get out of this flight of fight stage, trying to better myself and maybe someday in the future someone will understand. Until then I have my loving mom my dog and my lizard. Onto my next load of laundry.
    #relationship

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    Community Voices

    Shame game

    As someone with anxiety I’m always in my head. It’s a battle to make sure that I don’t let myself explore the outer fringe too much. But when you’re the victim of emotional abuse…it’s hard! Because the abuse is compounded by the same you feel. I try and try and get torn apart…the shame of having to beg, to be telling someone you’re trying and you are a good person. It’s a disgust in myself like I have never felt!! Anyone else experienced shame during abuse? #Shame #Abuse #narcissism

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    Community Voices

    Why holding abusers accountable matters

    <p>Why holding abusers accountable matters</p>
    Community Voices

    My life has been - and is - a hot mess... and I'm lost

    I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder in 2019, and today, after 1.5 months at a treatment facility, not only was I bumped up to bipolar 1, I was given a new diagnosis of having borderline personality disorder.

    I wasn't surprised about bipolar 1, but the BPD has put me in a tailspin. The more I've read and learned about BPD the more I am CERTAIN that I suffer from both disorders. From a logical standpoint, I am "on board" with these diagnoses as I can check off nearly every box on the giant lists of symptoms. Add in the ADHD and I am... a hot mess of a person.

    I'm now questioning my own thoughts and feelings - are they valid and true or are they some sort of warped reality that I'm living in... some imagined fantasy life. Have all of my life experiences with people been lies, bull$hit and untruth/fantasy? Have I lived a fake but utterly destructive life up to this point? Am I living it currently?

    Using logic, I understand who I am. But emotionally I don't know who I am anymore, and fear that my entire life has been filled with beliefs and destructive behaviors that *I created - every awful thing has been solely because of who I am.

    I'm having a really tough time with all of this. I feel like I'm a tornado of a person who destroys everything in sight... I don't know how to move forward.

    I'm worried I might have to once again leave my daughter at home without her Mom-Mom because I'll need to go back to the treatment facility. I'm becoming crippled with anxiety, paranoia, depression and shame.

    ANY advice or insight will be received with wide open arms and a grateful heart. Thank you for taking the time to read - it's been a long time since I've been on The Mighty and I'm so glad to be back ❤️

    #BPDDiagnosis #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #ADHD #Broken #help #Anxiety #SleepDeprivation #MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Shame #Spiraling #lost #Depression

    24 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    The battle of shame.

    i thought my biggest battle to overcome was being told i have bipolar I thought my biggest battle was rising above borderline personality disorder my biggest battle is the battle of shame. shame says I am nothing but God says I'm precious in His sight. shame says I cant be loved but God says I am loved. I know God you won't let go of me. shame says you'll never measure up, but God says you're already enough. don't look at the standards of the world for they are quickly falling but mine aren't. I hear the whispers of lies get louder in my ears for shame is not quiet, its quite demanding, and it doesn't like to be ignored, but my God's truth is much more powerful than shame, shame cannot stand up against Him, shame is crushed under His feet, right along with satan. shame is silenced in His love. God's words weakens its attacks. shame cannot stand up in His court, for He raises your head and justifies, sanctifies, and purifes you, for you are worthy to be His, and your divide is torn to receive the most precious gift He has given you, to be completely His without blemish. I imagine telling my mom about this, and I can hear her say "my girl, you will overcome this battle too!" #Bipolar #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Shame

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    I won't survive well in the world

    I'm watching a show on TV. Seeing how people talk and interact flawlessly

    My whole life I was controlled and abused so heavily I was not allowed any bodily autonomy, privacy, or agency. At 18 I was mentally a child in the way my mother groomed me into being, and yet she was shocked and angry when I wasn't "mature". She wanted control over me but wasn't aware of how that control would hurt me

    As I am now at 24 I feel I can't talk to people and make mature conversation. I feel like such a burden and emotionally immature that maybe I shouldn't talk to people at all and embarrass myself with my traumatized self

    #Trauma #Shame #embaressment

    6 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    The great fear of even a tiny sliver of hope…

    <p>The great fear of even a tiny sliver of hope…</p>
    1 person is talking about this
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