disregulation

She gave me writing and reading assignments as well as by showing me compassion herself, on how I can give myself compassion. She worked tirelessly to help me change my self critical thoughts, my endless ruminating, my loops of unhelpful emotions leading to unhelpful thoughts leading to unhelpful behavior leading to more unhelpful thoughts. She helped me recognize my extremely unstable sense of self. This is still a huge issue, but I’m making big gains on it. My sense of self is constantly waning and waxing depending on my outside circumstances. She continues to gently point this out to me, so that I was able to see it. So far I am aware of it, and have been working on my sense of innate self worth and self-compassion, but I still get blown over by people’s opinion’s and treatment of me. I am working on being more consistent in my progress in my therapy goals, instead of letting my younger angry parts destroy my progress. I am learning to validate myself, like Dr Solderich has done for so many years now. To meet my own needs now. I am learning to pull myself out of my emotional storms and to be present with my uncomfortable emotions. To feel them. To accept them. And to choose to move through them because it’s in my best interest, which is a very adult thing to do. I wasn’t at all an adult when I started therapy. I was very much a 50 so year old stuck in a child’s body, acting out, and throwing tantrums. When I met Dr Solderich, I still broke things, destroyed property, hurt myself, was suicidal at times, yelled, cussed, got in people’s faces, shoved people at the grocery store and at public venues, punched security guards, got thrown out of places, was institutionalized every couple months, did not know how to act, how to follow rules, how to take responsibility for myself or how to begin to live life. I had no emotional intelligence at all, and no ability to process any emotions-positive or negative. It is only since starting therapy and since Dr Solderich started with building a trusting therapeutic relationship with me, that I have been able to learn these basic abilities that I did not grow up with. She also persuaded me to address my mental health issues, which I was reluctant to address, which seems to have been necessary, at times in order for me to be stable enough to undertake this other important work. Basically, now, I can start doing for myself all the things that Dr Solderich taught me to do just like what she has been doing for me. She re-parented me, now it’s my job to become my own good parent, and start the process of becoming my own wiser (inner-parenting) self. #CPTSD #reparenting ##innerchild #disregulation #emotionalstorm #Therapy

My doctor, Dr Solderich, established trust, by showing up consistently, saying things and doing things that were true and non- deceptive, non-coercive, non-manipulative. Being available. Showing me she cared. Showing me she wouldn’t hurt me snd wouldn’t abandon me. She told me she could help me, which was something I wanted, then proving to me that she could help and that she would help. She showed me I was worthy of her time. She showed me that my feelings were okay to have, even when they were off the chain. She showed me that I was accountable for my behavior. She showed me compassion She repeatedly showed me forgiveness. She showed me unconditional love. She showed me that it was okay that I made mistakes, even repeated mistakes. She showed me that she about me, liked me, loved me. She taught me skills for working toward regulating my emotions. She expressed dismay when I didn’t treat my body with respect or when I put my safety in jeopardy. She expressed disapproval when I self harmed, was aggressive, intimidating, manipulative and when I threatened to give up or self-sabotaged. She taught me that my past was complicated and it was not simply my choice to act badly, but that I was acting on ineffective behavior patterns as a way to survive and to get my needs met. She then taught me that once I have this full knowledge and the proper tools to change the way I move in the world, that it is my responsibility to change my behavior patterns, learn and live by new behaviors that are more skillful. She helped me to reprogram those old tapes of “you’re too emotional,” “too scared,” “not tough enough,” “stand up for yourself,” “the world is a scary dangerous place,” “ laws don’t apply to you,” “everyone has an ulterior motive,” “you are ugly,” “you are not lovable,” “you are not wanted,” “you are a trouble maker,” “you are not seen,” “you are not heard,” you don’t matter,” “everyone will abandon you,” “ protect yourself,”… She reprogramed me by SHOWING me that that there are more positive messages that are actually true, BY THE WAY SHE TREATED ME- AND BY THE WAY SHE HELPED ME TO VIEW THE WORLD. With extreme patience and tremendous repetition, she flooded those new, more helpful messages into my soul! #Re -parenting #innerchild #CPTSD #disregulation #emotionalstorm #Therapy