(Please no judgmental comments)
I’m an alcoholic/drug addict with a plethora of knowledge, years of rehabs, a head full of 12-step programs and the inability to shut my ego down long enough to get longer than 4 months of 100% abstinent sobriety. I love interesting people, but I hate people. I have such a difficult time making friends and connecting with MOST people. I prefer to be alone or have a very small circle of friends - whom I still suck at maintaining relationships with. I’m the queen of self-sabotage, and I’m so so tired of the lifestyle. I do know in early recovery it’s ALL about the process, and it’s ALL about exiting my comfort zone. Ego breeds in comfort. And it’s so hard not to go back into that space as it’s so, so warm and cozy. I know all the answers, it’s as if I just don’t care enough to maintain consistent discipline to fight. The only thing that keeps me going is hope and prayer. I don’t know who or what “god” is, but I know I wouldn’t be alive if not for a power greater than myself. Prayer works. Sometimes it’s as simple as being willing to pray. I guess I need to start praying for willingness to have willingness. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live with the spiritual malady that breeds my addiction. The latter requires an internal process that seems so daunting that I’d just rather fucking not. But I’ve either got to go in to get out or keep living in my own delusional reality while wearing a mask for the world to see. Fucking tiring. I’ve got to get out of my own way!!!!!! If it were only so easy. Sigh. Simple? Yes. Easy? That’s a hard no. #DrugsAreBadMmkay ?