Putting yourself first is often misunderstood.
In clinical spaces—particularly within mental health, addiction recovery, and child welfare—we see a consistent pattern: individuals who have survived trauma, chaos, caregiving burdens, and systemic gaps are often the last to receive care themselves. When they begin to prioritize their own stability, they are labeled selfish.
They are not selfish.
They are stabilizing.
Self-Abandonment: A Trauma Pattern
Self-abandonment is common in both mental illness and substance use disorders. It can present as:
*Ignoring early warning signs of relapse
*Staying in unsafe or dysregulated relationships
*Avoiding treatment because others “need you more”
*Neglecting sleep, nutrition, and medical care
*Silencing emotional needs to prevent conflict
The Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction (CCSA) identifies trauma, chronic stress, and social instability as major drivers of substance use harms in Canada (CCSA, 2023). Similarly, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) emphasizes that trauma exposure significantly increases risk for both mental health disorders and substance use disorders (CAMH, 2022).
When we continuously put ourselves last, our nervous system does not regulate—it remains in survival mode. Prolonged activation of stress pathways increases vulnerability to depression, anxiety disorders, and relapse (Public Health Agency of Canada, 2020).
What once protected you may now be exhausting you.
Why Putting Yourself First Feels So Wrong
For trauma survivors, prioritizing oneself can activate guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment. From a clinical lens, this may be linked to:
*Insecure attachment patterns
*Codependency dynamics
*Learned hyper-independence
*Developmental trauma
*Internalized beliefs that worth is tied to usefulness
Trauma-informed practice teaches us that self-neglect is often adaptive. It was a strategy to maintain safety, connection, or survival.
But strategies built for survival rarely sustain recovery.
In Addiction Recovery:
Self-Preservation Is Relapse Prevention
Recovery requires regulation.
Regulation requires capacity.
Capacity requires care.
Putting yourself first in recovery may look like:
*Attending meetings instead of attending chaos
*Going to therapy consistently
Blocking triggers—even if they are people
*Taking medication as prescribed
*Choosing sleep over late-night dysregulation
*Saying “no” without over-explaining
The Statistics Canada reports ongoing substance-related harms across Canadian communities (Statistics Canada, 2023). Sustainable recovery reduces not only individual harm but intergenerational impact.
You cannot stabilize others while you are destabilizing yourself.
Mental Health Is Foundational Health
The Public Health Agency of Canada recognizes mental health as integral to overall health and well-being (PHAC, 2020). Chronic stress elevates cortisol, impairs executive functioning, disrupts sleep, and reduces impulse control—all of which increase relapse risk.
This is not a character flaw.
This is neurobiology.
Prioritizing yourself is preventative medicine.
Boundaries as Protective Factors
In child welfare practice, we speak frequently about protective factors for children. Stable caregivers. Predictable routines. Emotional regulation. Safe environments.
Why do we not apply the same framework to adults in recovery?
Boundaries reduce exposure to high-risk situations. They improve emotional regulation and reinforce self-efficacy—both critical predictors of long-term recovery outcomes (CAMH, 2022).
Boundaries are not selfish.
They are clinical interventions.
Personal Reflection
Putting myself first did not come naturally.
As someone who has worked in child welfare and walked my own recovery journey, I know what it feels like to be the strong one. The reliable one. The one who holds everything together while quietly unraveling.
For years, I confused self-sacrifice with strength.
I said yes when I meant no.
I stayed when I should have stepped back.
I minimized my exhaustion because others were “worse off.”
But healing forced a confrontation: I was abandoning myself in the name of loyalty.
And loyalty without self-respect is self-destruction.
Putting myself first meant disappointing people. It meant stepping out of chaos and into uncomfortable silence. It meant acknowledging that I deserved the same compassion I advocate for in practice.
The truth is this:
When I protect my mental health, I am a better mother.
A better clinician.
A safer presence.
Stability is not selfish.
Stability is sacred.
Clinical Reframe
Putting yourself first in mental health and addiction recovery is:
*Relapse prevention
*Trauma stabilization
*Nervous system regulation
*Protective factor development
*Intergenerational cycle disruption
This is not indulgence.
This is evidence-informed recovery practice.
Call to Action
If you are struggling:
*Identify one area where you are overextending yourself.
*Set one boundary this week
*Schedule one act of restorative self-care (not avoidance-based coping).
*Engage with professional support if available.
If you are in crisis in Canada, call or text 9-8-8 for immediate mental health and suicide crisis support.
You deserve recovery.
You deserve stability.
You deserve care.
And sometimes the most radical act of healing is choosing yourself.
BigmommaJ
#putyourselffirst #MentalHealth #Addiction
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