Hi I’ve re-emerged #CPTSD #UndiagnosedDissociativeDisorder #EatingDisorder #AtypicalAnorexia #SelfharmRecovery #EDrelapse #ADHD
Hey. I have a few new hashtags. I got out of the complex trauma unit 2 weeks ago tonight. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff both internally (strong reactions to being a little more intimate with my boyfriend, and a lot of dissociation and out of control brain chemistry/ADHD/anxiety/agitation) and externally (get everything situated for school—I’m only going online and only taking 2 Gen Ed requirements completely online—just so I don’t have to take a medical leave), lots of treatment and staying off social media.
It was very hard in the hospital between the extreme if I may say so myself anxiety and the constant eating disorder and weight talk. 4 of us were actively anorexic (although I personally was in a LOT of denial about being in active relapse since a month or more before going in) and the other 5 were talking about having had weight loss surgery or how much weight they’d lost. It was pretty constant but mealtimes were really rough. I am currently overweight/borderline obese/in a larger body (actually, not “just in my head”, I used to have typical anorexia and sometimes bulimia and I completely get body image issues 100%). I gained a lot of weight from being mis-medicated on high doses of very bad weight gainer antipsychotics (sometimes several at a time) and slightly overeating (never bingeing) for a long period of time. Then I went on stimulants for ADHD (which are not good for people in recovery from anorexia! But I literally need them to be able to function in engineering school at all. My ADHD is now confirmed severe combined type.) So when I went on Adderall for 2 years I stayed roughly the same size for awhile, then very slowly started losing the excess weight, in a very healthy recovery focused way. I’m now on Vyvanse instead, and also on Zoloft which makes me kind of very disgusted by the smell of food. I also went (almost) completely off all the antipsychotics in the hospital. See where this is going? A lot of bad relapse-y active restriction type stuff. Actually it’s the worst and longest relapse in 14-15 years. I thought it was going to get better when I got away from all the ED talk but umm…no. It’s actually getting a lot worse. I’m losing weight very fast (I’ve been through anorexia since I was 13 or 15 depending what day you ask me, and a lot of treatment, and I know what very fast looks like.) and I’m definitely actively restricting. I can’t obsessively excercise because of #dishydrosis I can’t sweat very much at all. My very trusted nutritionist who I worked with for 20+ years has retired, but she recommended someone and I have an appointment on October 7. But she can only get me in every 3 weeks. I have a hard time taking my ED seriously, because I’m in a larger body. Any pro-recovery support is welcome and requested! My boyfriend and I gave eachother promise rings and my promises to eachother included mutual commitment to recovery at all times and getting all help needed. I don’t make promises I can’t keep. Struggling.