I just cried for over an hour when I realised the last time I connected with someone on emotional level was over 6 years ago. It was with my husband, so that’s already good that I connected with him. But the idea that he is the last person I have truly connected to made me deeply sad. I suffer from bipolar, I was diagnosed 4 years ago, but I knew for longer time that there was something not quite right with me.
I have always had trust issues due to difficult childhood with strict father but in my teenage time and early twenties I had group of friends that I had strong connection with, we could talk for hours and hours about silly or important things.
When I met my husband some of those friendships faded over the years, some remained. I am very lucky because my husband is very supportive ever since I was diagnosed and he really wants me to get better and when I need to cry, he’s there to give me a tissue and a big hug. He wants all the best for me; to meet new friends, to dive into my hobbies. So with the hobbies I began. I have singed in for a photography trimester and I was really excited about that: once a week I had a class with 3 other students, talking 2h about photography with like-minded people seemed like a dream-come-true and it was an enjoyable time. Working on project, sharing the pictures, listening to opinions, collecting advice has really helped me to work better. Yesterday was the last day of the course where our works have been collected into books and handed out to us. We were sitting together with the teacher in Japanese restaurant, eating sushi, drinking wine and talking, talking, talking.
I was very careful about what I say; I didn’t want to share strong opinions, I have praised everyone, because it’s a nice thing to do, I was joining conversations, never leading one because what if I am wrong about something? What if I say something inappropriate? What if I overshare and I will be judged? So I sat there for 5h pretending to be someone I’m not. Same thing I did every week during the course. Same thing I do with every person I met over the last 6 years. Why? I can’t connect with people. My need to control myself is so strong and coming so naturally that I haven’t realised it until today. I don’t want to cry over this anymore because there is no point and already writing this message helped my eyes to dry. I hope that now, after this epiphany I can try step by step go back on trying to connect with other people again and let my guard down little by little. Better late than never, right? #Detachment #emotionaldetachment #SocialAnxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BipolarDisorder #EmotionalHealth #MentalHealth