Detachment

The process of my ‘awakening‘ began, suddenly, in the fall of 2019.

The physical symptoms; a hole in my core, an emptiness, a dark pit grew within me. All at once, I experienced a terrifying panic, and emotional collapse. My body felt like a tomb, and my soul was desperately trying to escape. I was dying, though, I had no visible illness or injury.

My soul/ego didn’t die, that September day, as a result of psychedelics or purposeful intent; my ego starved to death because his was insatiable.
#AnxietyAttack #Detachment #awakening #empath

#Anxiety #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Detachment #Christianity #Gaming #Faith
As a Christian, I understand all that God and Jesus have done for me and others. Yet I'm torn up about a lot. Jesus showed us how to live with faith and to love others before his sacrifice. God's word to us says to be anxious for nothing, do not fear, for there is no fear in love. Yet, I'm anxious , and my prayers and actions during the day are lacking in faith and gratitude. While I consider God, I feel detached which bothers me alot, I get overwhelmed because I can't connect and hide in mobile games,which I feel connected to. Why am I failing so miserably in my faith? I'm sure part of it is my physical health. I've been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, small fiber neuropathy, and fibromyalgia. I get so fatigued it's very difficult to process things and comprehend and connect, but my choices are most likely the bigger problem. I've bowed out of serving opportunities at church 3 times in a row now, and I feel bad each time but I tell myself I couldn't do differently. A God who enables us to do anything in his plans and wants us to serve him, who loves us so much he sent his son who gladly died for us, and I'm both motivated to go to serve and yet don't. I'm mixed up and day after day I feel terrible about it.

And sometimes, many times, I lose connection, and i feel it. The chaos. The alarm ringing, the voices, the trends, the gossips, the baby crying, that annoying beeping car, the sounds of footsteps everywhere, and i wonder, am i doing this right? Am I really chosen to do at all?

I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to understand how we’re all so different yet insanely alike. I’m trying to understand how can human control so much of his life yet easily blinded by his own desires. Why do we get second chances and why do we get chances at all. I’m trying to grasp the temporaries and contradictions. With the amount of weakness we face while trying to be strong, with all the attachments we get when we’re fully aware that we’re leaving. With all the pain we hide, behind the smiles, the jokes, the anger, the bad habits.

I’m searching, I’m always searching, just no longer sure if the path I’m looking for is a way in or a way out. I just hope I get there one day. #overthinking #Detachment #Anxiety #Stress

#ADHD #Anxiety #Autism #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Christianity #Christian #PersonalityDisorders #CarAccident #PTSD #newsymptoms #Faith #Detachment #Death #Judgement

My faith as a Christian is so very important, but lately I've been so paranoid because it feels like I don't really have it. I get anxious and fearful of God's wrath even though I should know what kind of God he is, and who Jesus is. I'm familiar with his words of comfort and promise to us, and I see his miracles all around us, and I tell myself it's real but no matter how much I pray and beg I walk around in guilt and anxiety, and then when my prayers and efforts don't feel answered and I can't handle anymore, I bury myself in things like games which ultimately make me feel more guilty. it's a horrible cycle. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and small fiber neuropathy, and a week ago got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The pain and fatigue are overwhelming and I don't feel up to much which makes me anxious. I cry out for peace and can't find it, little relief for all this. Have I blown it to many times and can't go back, is it already too late for me? Why can't I know but not feel safe or comforted? Ask and you shall receive, seek and you will find. And be anxious for nothing, make your requests known to God. Jesus scolded those who feared ths storm, saying they were of little faith. Why can't I manage to trust him and have his guidance in my storm? Am I failing in my faith? We've had a few earthquakes around and something in my mind just has seemed to shatter with them and I've gotten so fearful of a destructive one. Then there is my struggle with giving it over, I have to lose my life someday, and Jesus said to be his disciples we have to lose it all. I'm trying to follow the truth of what is meant and said. However accepting that I can't be good on my own and that the price for my wrongs was paid for by another, instead of rejoicing in that sacrifice, now I struggle with it. I put to much value in myself and my actions when I'm not worth as much as I act like and feel like, though I was deemed worth that sacrifice. I think my feeling disconnected at times is because even though I want to be connected being connected involves more fear and wrong perspectives, even though I know in my head they are incorrect and call for help in walking in the light and the truth and the way. I recently started accepting that maybe I am on the autism spectrum, for years there were a few reasons I wasn't ready to try figuring out if I am. But I just feel so stuck in myself, and I fall apart over things when I don't know why, I get pain over sights and sounds. It may yet be one or more different things but autism might also make sense. I took an online test so far and it showed positive, plus friends and family back up that I very likely could be on the spectrum. I feel very lost. Thanks for reading y'all.

I just cried for over an hour when I realised the last time I connected with someone on emotional level was over 6 years ago. It was with my husband, so that’s already good that I connected with him. But the idea that he is the last person I have truly connected to made me deeply sad. I suffer from bipolar, I was diagnosed 4 years ago, but I knew for longer time that there was something not quite right with me.
I have always had trust issues due to difficult childhood with strict father but in my teenage time and early twenties I had group of friends that I had strong connection with, we could talk for hours and hours about silly or important things.
When I met my husband some of those friendships faded over the years, some remained. I am very lucky because my husband is very supportive ever since I was diagnosed and he really wants me to get better and when I need to cry, he’s there to give me a tissue and a big hug. He wants all the best for me; to meet new friends, to dive into my hobbies. So with the hobbies I began. I have singed in for a photography trimester and I was really excited about that: once a week I had a class with 3 other students, talking 2h about photography with like-minded people seemed like a dream-come-true and it was an enjoyable time. Working on project, sharing the pictures, listening to opinions, collecting advice has really helped me to work better. Yesterday was the last day of the course where our works have been collected into books and handed out to us. We were sitting together with the teacher in Japanese restaurant, eating sushi, drinking wine and talking, talking, talking.
I was very careful about what I say; I didn’t want to share strong opinions, I have praised everyone, because it’s a nice thing to do, I was joining conversations, never leading one because what if I am wrong about something? What if I say something inappropriate? What if I overshare and I will be judged? So I sat there for 5h pretending to be someone I’m not. Same thing I did every week during the course. Same thing I do with every person I met over the last 6 years. Why? I can’t connect with people. My need to control myself is so strong and coming so naturally that I haven’t realised it until today. I don’t want to cry over this anymore because there is no point and already writing this message helped my eyes to dry. I hope that now, after this epiphany I can try step by step go back on trying to connect with other people again and let my guard down little by little. Better late than never, right? #Detachment #emotionaldetachment #SocialAnxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #BipolarDisorder #EmotionalHealth #MentalHealth

Over the past months, I’ve come to terms with my mental illness of being depressed, but some others haven’t. It’s hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to speak about these feelings with loved ones, and sometimes all it does is make it worse.

Not that they don’t want to help, but they act like they understand but when it comes down to it and I’m depressed, can’t move out of bed, want to isolate myself- I’m made to feel weak and to blame.

Telling my mom was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, she voiced that she felt a sense of failure- like it was her fault. It made me feel worse and less willing to talk about it. Then when I opened up to her about wanting to get help (i.e medication, therapy) she assured me that I don’t need it, everyone goes through these things and that I need to learn to be stronger.

I haven’t gotten any help yet, and I feel it getting worse as I continue to detach myself from my relationships.

My boyfriend just broke up with me, he doesn’t understand me anymore. He was the only one who did. I feel immensely alone and afraid of my own thoughts, because when they get bad- they take over.

#Depression #Detachment #alone