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My Worry That Endometriosis Will RSVP to My Wedding

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When I used to hear couples talk about the stress of planning a wedding, I honestly thought they were exaggerating. My eyes would glaze over and my thoughts would drift as I wondered what the hell could possibly be so stressful about inviting a few folks to come party after exchanging eternal vows of passion and all that lovey-dovey mess. Now I know that I was a damn fool.

I’m roughly four months away from my own wedding day. That is getting close to 100 days to nail down final details, finish paying vendors, stamp things that need stamping, find a good pair of underwear and finally decide on the freaking song we are going to dance to for the first time as a married couple (so many decisions!). To summarize, it is incredibly stressful, no matter how small you try to make it and how simple you think it is going to be. A contributing stressor I’ve had to manage, and had a difficult time with along the way, is the acceptance of the fact that my endometriosis may be a part of my wedding day, just like it is a part any other day.

My endometriosis journey has been a long one and my pain has definitely changed and, thankfully, improved over the past few years, but it is still a weekly occurrence. Some weeks are better than others, but I never know when I’m going to have a horrible flare-up that knocks me down harder than usual. I have had a difficult time worrying over a flare-up — especially an unusually bad flare-up — popping up near or on my wedding day.

What if I’m bloated and my dress is uncomfortable, too uncomfortable, or God forbid — doesn’t fit? What if I gain weight before the wedding due to complicated symptoms before then? What if I get an ovarian cyst that knocks me on my ass between now and my wedding day? What if I have a cyst during my wedding week? What if I’m nauseous the entire day? What if I’m dizzy that day? What if I pass out from hurting so bad while exchanging our vows?!  

There are so many what if’s when it comes to dealing with endometriosis, like any chronic illness. I have come to realize though, there are a lot of what if’s, in general. Recently my fiancé had a random health issue he had to deal with — for once, I wasn’t the patient — where he had some significant pain that he wasn’t exactly sure about. It went on for a few weeks and his anxiety surrounding the unknown aspect of it all made me realize that everyone worries about the unknown. It becomes debilitating though when we get stuck focusing on and then worrying about all those possible possibilities, especially the worst possible ones.

So, in roughly four months I will be marrying the love of my life. I don’t know what the weather will be, if I’ll remember to eat that night, or if I’ll be bloated and in a flare-up. What I do know is I can’t wait for my fiancé to see me in my one-of-a-kind dress, that he better cry, and that there will be so much love shared that night. Always try to focus on what you know, especially the good things that you know, and handle the possibilities as they come.

Originally published: July 20, 2019
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