Not sure why I’m posting this. Come here often, but never speak.
I’m a cancer survivor, both Ependymoma and Sarcoma, as well as being born with a congenital heart disease - Tetrology of Fallot. I was diagnosed with depression awhile ago and given medicine for it, but found the side effects to be worse (in my case and opinion) than the depression itself. Because of my CHD I’m constantly tired, and the medicine enhanced that; while I was able to be happy, my day consisted of 4 hours at work, eating, and sleep. Nothing else - not even reading or watching the television.
With my I don’t really get a crippling sadness, but more an emptiness or void - a negative pressure. That and a lack of interest in anything. I’m not in danger of suicide or self harm (unless a lack of caring if I get hurt during an activity counts) because the shell I built around the is stable enough that it won’t easily be broken, but my problem is that same shell is hurting me in other ways - and I’m starting to see that I have to change it. I’m terrified however that if I change so much as one piece, the rest will be sucked in and the entire structure will collapse.
The idea is: Life has purpose so long as I improve the life of those around me. While it’s broad enough that It’s a solid block against the void, thinking about it too much has formed new layers which are starting to become a problem. For instance, if this idea is true, then I shouldn’t make others mad or hurt. Which leads to selfishness of any kind being unacceptable. Which has led to a redefining of ‘selfish’ as anything that does not prioritize others.
It sounds good in theory, but I think in broad terms which is really bad. I shouldn’t say no to a request - any request - because it’s better that I endure any discomfort than someone else. I can’t express an opinion, because potentially arguing my point could hurt someone’s feelings. It would be selfish of me to ask anyone out as well - as both my conditions are genetic. Which means It would be wrong of me to have or even want children. It gets out of hand fast.
Don’t misunderstand, I like who I am. At the same time though, my life is hollow. The happiest I can recall ever being was when my cat first sat on my lap of his own accord. That’s it. That’s my high-point. All because of a stupid barrier thought process which destroys the idea of “self”.
I don’t really know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just want to complain somewhere to people who might understand and won’t freak out or panic. I haven’t really expressed an honest thought about my feelings since I was ten. I still feel guilty for all the worry I’ve put my parents through with my issues, even though I know none of it was my fault. Looking forward though, Its painful to think that my life will be forever empty and alone - a self imposed hermit who relies on others to exist. As long as that life makes other’s happy, it’s still a good one though... right?