equanimity

In the past six months…
In the past six months I’ve lost my best friend, Tony.
I’ve moved.
I’ve gotten rid of, or have been told,  I will have to, get rid of, almost all of my possessions,  including almost all of my good clothes,  and art,  that I have left.
I’ve been Baker Acted 5 times.
I’ve been in the emergency room, six times, with serious health issues.
I have made two suicide attempts.
I have a serious knee injury, making my favorite pleasure of waking, and being in nature, impossible.
I have had clinical depression.
I have struggled to acquire mental health resources.
Every mental health facility,  has turned me down,  for services, because, I will not dump my,  Back Home Team.
I have been taken off my meds,  all five times, I’ve been hospitalized.
I’ve completely come off of them.
I’ve Gotten much more unstable.
I’ve Had severe PTSD flashbacks, EVERY TIME. Then I was put back on, different meds,  only to be completely taken off them,  less than a month later, at thenext Baker Act.
Da Javo, five times.
Destabilized, then reconstruct, to be destabilize, again.
I have acquired pneumonia, I’m bedridden,  I get out of breath,  just walking, to the bathroom.
I have backslide, drastically, in my mental health.
I’ve been put in restraints, and kept there,  for over three hours.
I have felt more alienated, and alone, than I ever have, in my life.
I have become unable, to urinate on my own.
I have trouble defecating.
I have been told, that my near future, is going to include,me having to be dependent on, using a colostomy bag, in order to relieve my bowels. I got put on steroids for my pneumonia because I was so sick. They risked aggression to treat my sickness. Instead, I became euphoric. I felt wonderful. My five days of steroids ends today and I fear that the happiness is not a result of all the hard work I am doing, but fear the suicidal depression will suddenly return.  I had to drop my psychiatric nurse practitioner of five years, who is the person who started me on consistent meds, was the first provider to gain my trust and respect, and who I have sworn for five years, I would never part with her, all because they won’t let me see her and still get mental health services, that I desperately need in Gainesville. I must have med provider up here, snd I can’t have two. I am devastated. It took me years to trust anyone, and I’m being asked to start over. I am grieving my ARNP. I feel unreal.
Side note: I DID NOT GIVE UP MY TEAM. I RECOMMITTED TO 100% FOCUS ON THERAPY TWICE A WEEK, AND I STARTED OBSERVING MY EXPERIENCES AS NEUTRAL OCCURANCES, NOT AS GOOD OR BAD- A TOOL I HAD LEARNED. #perspectivechanged #Hope #turningthepage #dontgiveup #impermanence #equanimity #healthcrisisbringschange #majorstressors #icandothis