hope

After my accident I experienced memory loss. I started to journal to record my experiences, thoughts and memories while they were still mine. As part of my therapy I took daily walks with my black lab. Our walks were mostly in nature. We wrote and photographt our adventures. I have put a collection of these stories and articles on my perspective of trauma recovery along with our photos into a book. #Book #EBooks #author www.amazon.ca/dp/B0DFMQ2QFM/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0

Life has been so intense lately. Trying to help someone who keeps making decisions that are tearing his family apart. Really frustrating when you know you can help someone but they won’t help themselves.

So, I need to express myself by speaking Australian, it communicates better.

Fair dinkum (It’s true) Cobber (Friend) . I have been flat out like a lizard drinking (Very busy). I have been lending a hand to this drongo (Silly man) while he is as mad as a cut snake. (Crazy)
He is behaving like a complete Wally. (Silly man) Sometimes it’s real hard yakka (Hard work) trying to protect a yobbo (Foolish person) from themselves. Truth is I am cactus. (Exhausted or broken)

My world got turned upside down because of several big life changes that happened at once. In hindsight, my mental health was crap anyway, and the impact of the big life changes on top of it made me completely tank into a crisis.

Let me take you down my mental memory lane.

You see, 20 years ago I landed in the psych ward of a hospital where I was subsequently diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder and PTSD. At that time, I was merely given medication and sent on my way with no idea how to manage. Let's fast forward past all the poor choices and risky behavior I exhibited as a result, and we are now in 2020. After a series of traumatic events and big life changes, I experienced another mental health crisis. This time I was admitted into a behavioral health center. I was in their in-patient unit for a week and, immediately after, I was admitted into their partial hospitalization program for three months.

Here is where I need to credit my husband because he is the reason I am alive today. He knew in his gut that I had a plan, that I was done, and that he had to act quick. He asked me to go for a quick drive with him, promised we would be back home in just a few minutes, and I reluctantly agreed. 20 minutes later, reality crawled into the pit of my stomach when we pulled up to the emergency room and he refused to leave unless I went in. That, my friends, is true love. I often consider the amount of courage it took for him to make that move. He made it seem effortless, like there was no way he would have made any other decision. Now that, folks, is the essence of true bravery.

This hospitalization was different though. I wasn’t just kept on suicide watch and fed pills. I was educated and I was equipped with techniques to manage my mental health. Here’s the thing, all the tools in the world are useless if you don’t make it a continuous, long-term practice to utilize them. I’ve learned…the hard way.

As soon as I was released from the program and started working, life got in the way and my safety plan became a dust collector in a desk drawer. Or so I thought.

It turns out that my husband always had my safety plan at his disposal over the last 4 years. So, in June of this year, he knew I was in crisis and that he needed to act again. It was the gentle nudge from him that opened my eyes to the dire state my mental health was in. I also had to take accountability for the fact that I was not being completely honest with my care team. Together, my husband and I made a list of all my symptoms and behaviors, then made a plan for me to present the list to my doctor and counselor, no holds barred. Later that week I made myself totally and unequivocally vulnerable as I unpacked a lot of baggage with my care team. I’ve been seeing this doctor/counselor duo for two years and this was the first time I was completely transparent with them.

At the end of that appointment with the doctor, I heard a word that didn’t existed in my world…Misdiagnosis.

He explains my symptoms, compares them to bipolar 2 symptoms, and then tells me that my correct diagnosis is Complex-PTSD. That I am also exhibiting some symptoms of borderline personality disorder. Come again, doc? I’m pretty sure you just spoke Greek. As he was speaking, the past 20 years flashed before my eyes. Friends, this was effing brilliant! Bipolar was my identity. I was tied to that diagnosis and my doctor cut the rope. For the first time since 2004, I had hope! Fellow Mighties I am here to tell you that hope is a powerful thing! Suddenly, a future of promise and wellness came into focus – a life where I manage my diagnosis like a pro, I am thriving, and I master the art of self-love. I can totally do this! my upside-down house was turned right-side up and, boy, is it bright up here.

#Misdiagnosis #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hope

Suddenly everything lifts, a little break from the weight and the chaos that life can bring.
Walking through a field with my dog, humming my favourite songs, enjoying the sunshine, watching a small butterfly land in the grass and suddenly I can breathe! That heaviness in my chest and that twisting feeling in my stomach is still there, so is all the pain, but for now at least, it’s not all there is, for now there’s a softening and a lightness alongside all the struggles and in these little moments I find hope, I find joy, I find peace.
#Hope #Joy #peace #PTSD #ChronicPain #MentalHealth

was listening to a podcast this morning 🎧and they mentioned something along the lines of (this is totally reworded as i already forget) "what is everything right now is okay?" or "what if right now you're okay and for this moment, everything is okay?" ☁️i found this to be super comforting. i know it can sound a little woo woo and like logical mind comes and says "it's not though" or "so many things are not figured out or are not okay right now" or "you have so many things to do that are stressful!" but what about just like for the moment - cant everything maybe be okay? ☁️meditation hasnt been my calling - and being in my body in that sense, as sometimes being "in my body" makes me very aware of my fast heart beat or exhaustion or *too* focused on my breathing so i start feeling like i can't breathe (haha) -- or even triggers that air hunger sensation because with dysautonomia, breathing isn't always so easy to regulate! but for me, painting, doodling, drawing - all of these are my form of meditation and taking mind/body breaks. ☁️☁️this was a big circle i promise it relates! i think that it can be kind of calming and meditative to just think "It's okay right now." a this teensy tiny moment in time. or this big moment in time - whichever resonates. and maybe when hard things come, "i'll figure this out" or "i'm okay for now, i'll figure out tomorrow when it's tomorrow" and even when not feeling okay, maybe just telling your body that it's safe - it is okay, and you are there rooting for it? ☁️☁️just pondering - would love to know what you think about this sort of focus on the now, but really just reassuring yourself that "you got this!" ? and also holding space for the moments when it's not okay right now, and when this isnt what you need in the moment to support yourself. i think there's a time & place & moment for anything and everything - so do whatever brings you the most peace, comfort, or strength ☁️🌵✨

#Dysautonomia #ChronicFatigue #encouragement #MastCellActivationDisorder #Spoonie #Hope