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    The Day You Meet a Unicorn

    Recently (as in the last few days) I’ve been dealing with the both surprisingly devastating and weary expectation of being divorced by my husband. We’ve been bad for a while and my mental health is completely scattered. My sister gave me a really good phrase for the situation: we are in a cycle of pain. So he took the step and wr are ending it. Still, my emotions have been confusing and completely all over the place. Enter my unicorn.

    This pretty little bay mare’s name is Xena. I meet her after taking a ride to one of my friends’ ranch/farm up in the Rocky Mountain foot hills. She was a bush horse rescued in Oregon by my friend and is basically half wild. I was giving scritches to another horse when she siddled up, nibbled on my sleeve, tried to take my glasses off, and nuzzled my hair. She has apparently never come up to someone voluntarily until she came up to me. I think I met my unicorn. #Hope

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    PAIN, what was to live without it?

    I forgot what it is to live without pain, and somehow that makes me sad. I don't remember what it is to be suffering every second, and feel like someone is torturing me, and asking WHY, what did I do wrong? Even if I know, that is an irrational thought. The pain exists as itself, not as punishment, it simply is. But, my subconscious sometimes doesn't understand this rationality. #wekeepgoing #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Hope

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    Reflections: Suicide Attempt and Suicide Prevention #Hope

    2019 was a rough year for me. The abuse I was experiencing came to light, my family turned against me, I was abandoned by a family member. I was harming myself and attempted suicide. I was hospitalized for a week. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I nearly lost my apartment and was homeless. I had no family and hardly any friends. I struggled to survive on a daily basis, not just financially but mentally too. I felt totally helpless, lost, defeated and unloved. I started to think that it was all my fault, the abuse, abandonment, the struggles afterwards. It amazes me sometimes that I’m still here. Working, living, thriving despite it all.
    But as the picture says, suicide prevention starts with all of us. Perhaps if I had never been abused and abandoned then maybe I wouldn’t have harmed myself and tried ending my life. It still scares me that I could’ve died. It scares me more to think that no one in my family would’ve cared. Yet I try not to dwell on the past. What I am getting at is that suicide and suicide attempts can be prevented. I now realize how blessed I am to be here. To be loved and to be alive.
    I have a new family now that loves me despite my past and that means so much to me. It has helped me heal tremendously. Though on my dark days I still struggle with dark thoughts I know that I am no longer alone. Sure I struggle with abandonment trauma and that is totally founded given that I was physically abandoned. Yet, I am still here. So if you think that ending your life is the only option like I did at one point, just remember that help is available. Your life is precious. I won’t tell you to think positive because I know in that mindset that is near impossible. However I will say that my suicide attempt taught me to appreciate life.
    I hope that if you are struggling with those thoughts that you have the strength to reach out. To a professional or even a friend. Sometimes those late night conversations are all you need. I still wish someone had been there to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay and that it wasn’t my fault. So if you are struggling, know that we are here for each other. If you need immediate assistance please call an emergency number or suicide hotline. You have so much to live for and are loved beyond measure even if you don’t see it. So don’t focus on the ones that hurt you, there is someone out there that is glad you’re alive today. I know I am.
    Stay strong warriors! We got this!
    #PTSD #SuicidePrevention #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #healingispossible

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    The sun will follow the rain

    Today the veil is lifting.
    Fleeting moments of intense optimism and excitement.
    I get to see my son get older and wow at how he’ll be.. imagining the conversations we’ll have and looking forward to all the happy memories we’ll make. It feels crazy at how positive I can feel in one moment when yesterday I could barely hold my head up. Feeling opposite ends of the spectrum so intensely within 24hours can’t be “normal” can it? It’s not. I know it’s not. But is this more than depression? Do I maybe have bipolar? I’ve read many account of people who went undiagnosed before.. Is this the bpd that I was diagnosed with in the past? I have found it so so hard to accept that one and I feel so vulnerable writing it down. Just saying depression and anxiety has always been easier.

    Anyway. I’m here to say the veil is lifting and remind anyone in a similar situation (specifically my post yesterday) that the veil does lift. It always does. Even though in the moment it feels like it never will.
    I’m here to remind myself also that this has just been a very very hard episode and I’ve had these episodes and periods before. It always gets better. The sun will follow the rain ✨

    #Depression #RecurrentDepression #ChronicDepression #BipolarDisorder #BipolarDepression #BPDDiagnosis #Hope #thistooshallpass #PostnatalDepression #PostpartumDepression #reminders

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    The beauty of dying #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #dying #Death #Hope #Faith #Christianity #MentalHealth

    I am at a palliative care unit with a lady from church. I don’t think she will see another day out. It is such a privilege to be with someone when their life journey is ending. Trivial things don’t matter and what does matter is crystal clear.

    The nurses are amazing and so gentle. It’s time for this dear warrior to relax into the arms of Jesus. No more pain. No disappointment. She has run her race with dignity.

    13 reactions 4 comments

    Looking for friends to chat with I need more community I lost mine.

    My story is long so I will make it short looking for friends to chat with I don’t care if your 15 to 100 I just love talking to others and encouraging them because it helps take my mind off of me. I love junk journaling, singing , recording music , painting , reading, laying on the couch binging tv (ok this one not by choice but I learned to love it) and talking to others. Hope we can be friends!
    ❤️Your sickness doesn’t define you it’s just the fire that molds you into something even stronger.❤️

    Message and follow me!
    #hobbies #POTS #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutonomicDysfunction #MentalHealth #Makeup #Music #Junkjournal #crafts #Letsbefriends #Hope #professionalovercomer

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    Having people that listen and respect us is so helpful and encouraging, so much better than having people who judge, or try to fix us!

    I am blessed to have people in my life that are there for me, sometimes just listening and asking what they can do for me, telling me that I’m not alone, letting me know they’ll be there for me, and they love me … but what can really help us feel better about ourselves is when they just say they’re proud of us. Wonderful people in our lives can regularly remind us about everything we’re going through and how amazingly well we are handling ourselves. They can acknowledge us for what we ARE doing even when we can only see and judge ourselves for the things we’re NOT doing. Sometimes they can be there just to listen to us, sometimes they can help us get our minds off all we’re going through by lightening up the conversation and not allow us to get caught in a loop of feeling sorry for ourselves.

    But we definitely can’t do this alone, things can appear insurmountable or overwhelming but if we’re lucky we have people who believe in us and are there for us when we just need them to listen and let us get our fears out in the open and talk about our pain. People can help us if they just say they feel for us and wish they could make us feel better. What I don’t think they realize is that by simply being there to walk by our side they ARE making us feel better!

    You can expand your network of support by getting up the courage and then tell people that are close to you (that don’t already know) what you are dealing with, sharing what is really happening and what you are going through and then tell them how they can help. I have found most people want to help and if they decline I try not to take it personally. It’s worth the risk to get crucial support

    #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #PeripheralNeuropathy #Migraine #Headache #COVID19 #Disability #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #Bipolar2Disorder BipolarDepression #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #HIVAIDS #longtermsurvivor #Shingles #Bronchitis #Pneumonia #PTSD #Selflove #Selfcare #strength #MightyMinute #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #MentalHealthHero #MightyTogether

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