negative thoughts

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Triggerwarning! The power of the blade

I am at the lowest point I have ever been. I've tried to fix things with the love of my life, my favourite person. But my lies and arguments have ruined it all again. And he actually wanted to come and get me. He wanted to take me 'home'.

He lives in the UK, I live in the Netherlands. We've had a long distance relationship and have been planning our future for a while. But I lied and argued on a daily basis.

On top of that I've been cutting myself a lot lately. My mental health has never been this bad and now he wants nothing to do with me again. I started smoking again. Even though I promised I wouldn't. I have wasted my money and now I have nothing left.

I'm currently staying at a shelter, which costs me €6,00 a day. And I can't pay for that. So I have asked for help to get in a better financial position. I don't see a way out anymore. I wanted to be with him and I ruined it all.

I've basically destroyed my own future. Because I have no idea how to get financially and mentally stable whilst I have nothing and no one anymore. I would love to get back to work, but I just can't. Besides, who would hire someone who's arm is covered in fresh cuts!? For the past days I've been cutting myself daily. It feels like it's an addiction. The pain gives me a relief. It almost feels good.

Someone told me today to keep breathing and that everything will be alright. But all I can think about is that I don't want to be breathing anymore. I'd rather be 6 feet under the ground.

As a figure of speech, I've already dug the whole. So it just needs to be covered with dirt. I'm so far down that I can barely see the light from above anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. I wany my partner back. I want to be with him, but he hates me. My family hates me. The friends I had hate me.

Maybe they're all right. Maybe I'm just a psycho. Maybe I am a toxic, narcissistic, abusive bully. All the while I've been bullied for almost my entire life. I hate myself... And I wish I could cut myself deeper to just end it all. I can't even count the cuts on my arm anymore...

#depressed #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Love #Family #Friends #Broken #Selfharm #Suicide #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts

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Making amends with people from the past

The past week I've tried making amends with people from the past. First a very good friend I've had with whom I had a great connection. I chose my relationship over him after he and my ex-partner A.T. had a small fight. My ex didn't want to apologize for his behaviour and after that the friendship basically ended.

I've also tried getting in touch with my grandparents now my long distance relationship has ended. He told me that my other ex told him that my grandparents took his side after the divorce. I believed him and closed myself completely off from them. I sent them a card and some flowers, and last night I found out through my ex that hey threw them away...

My long distance ex has ruined so many things for me. He has destroyed my mental health and my entire life. Meanwhile he's acting like it's all my fault and that he's the victim. But he still has everything and everyone. He still keeps attacking me and told me that no one likes me, loves me or wants me.

I'm trying to move on and forget about it all... but right now I'm so triggered. And I can't find a good way to calm down my thoughts. It's like a war in my head right now. And the thoughts that keep popping up the most is "it's better when I'm dead"...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Family #Friends #Love #AbusiveRelationship #Relationships #IntrusiveThoughts #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

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Triggerwarning: self-harming

It's been almost 2 weeks since the last time that I've cut myself. I'm currently in since a dark place and it feels like I'm not getting out of it. Stupid thing is that things are getting "better". There's finally some progress in getting my benefits so I don't have to work for a while. The supervisors from the dayshelter are helping me find a place to live. I even have an appointment tomorrow with a landlord to discuss possible apartments or rooms. We've even talked about this building where you have your own room, but it's partly under supervision. Which would be amazing for me.

But even though there are these positive things going on, I'm falling back. I've been drinking more again, after being sober for almost 2 years.

And today I've cut myself again.

Why do I keep doing this? And how do I get out of this dark place that I'm in?

I don't even know what happiness feels like anymore... I wish I could just dissappear. I want it all to be over. I want it all to end...

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Selfharm #depressed #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Thoughts

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All alone...

At the end of February I got homeless. I was still living with my ex in the same house and I was the one who had to leave. I lost my job and gave up on everything because of a long distance relationship. He said he would come and get me over 5 times, but in the end it never happened.

The day I ended up homeless I attempted suicide. I've spend 5 days in the hospital and then I realised how alone I was. No one called, messaged or visited me.

I've lost my best friend and my family because of the divorce. I listened to my new partner and took my distance from all of them when he told me that they were taking the side of my ex.

After I left the hospital I ended up in a homeless shelter. My long distance partner came back into my life and was very controlling. And every day he accused me of arguing and being abusive. Whilst he was trying to control me and I was in a very bad mental state. About a month ago I got diagnosed with BPD. Years ago I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

Since a week this long distance relationship permanently ended. He kept blaming me for everything and he has this God complex. I've read about his behaviour and it turns out that I'm not the only one who did things wrong. I've lied to him and kept some things from the past for him that are not easy to talk about. He found out from my first ex because they were still talking.

Long story short; I've been in 2 relationships in the last 9 years which have ruined me completely. My first ex didn't care about me and I did everything. My 2nd ex was controlling. But if I want to be controlled, I would have come with a remote controller.

Since last weekend 2 other people joined the homeless shelter. Before them I didn't connect with anyone. But they're 2 amazing people who are very kind and help me through all of this. I'm so glad that I don't feel alone anymore.

I sometimes do feel alone. Like right now when they both have their own things to do. Which I understand, accept and respect. It's moments like this that my mind starts racing and my suicidal thoughts pop through sometimes.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #NegativeThoughts #SuicidalThoughts #Loneliness #EmotionalAbuse

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Sunday Thoughts

... Sundays seem to be the day my mind wanders & overflows itself with "I should do this.." "what ifs" "I need to do this.." & other random things.

My Sunday job gives me the opportunity to let my mind go it's own way yet I can't act on those "ideas" & what not til I get home, obviously. Annoying thing tho, when I get home, my mind shuts completely off & nothing gets accomplished.

I journal at night & some times, I "yell" at myself for allowing sabotage vibes take control. I "yell" at myself for not following thru with the plans I originally made.

Every Jan. 1st, I come up with a word for the year & this year I've chosen "Accountability." Start holding myself accountable for my own actions. My own self sabotage. My own doings. I want all this in my life & yet I don't follow thru for the most part. Accountability is something I've needed to focus on for some time now! This yr, it's time.

I've made a list of 300 things I'd love to accomplish this year. Have I read it to myself in the morning since Jan. 1st? No, I have not! See why I chose that word? Lol. Have I done any of my daily intentions or daily chores I've set out to accomplish for that day, no I have not.

My inner world is so broken. Trying to heal & fix cycles that have been on repeat for so long, that ish is hard to demolish. It's like taking a tiny hammer to some very strong cemet bricks & no progress is made. I need my sledgehammer.

My Sunday Thoughts have been a thing for some time now. Trying to carry them into the week is not easy for me. All I do is beat myself up. Therapy has helped some on how to flip the switch of negative talk to positive, but I find myself quickly sinking to the bottom of the negative.

Speaking of therapy, when new wounds are open, those trigger next day emotions that some days lead to a few days in a row. Journaling those specific emotions is a release to an extent. Insomnia comes out of the woods & is like, let's play. Again, my mind wanders to whatever is thrown its way... nvr ending cycle.

You know that story, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie..... the lil guy remembers so much with every task he's given & leads to more tasks... that's how I feel most days & nights. Mind is non stop!

..... just like this post. I can just keep going with whatever is on my mind, but I'm not going to. Ugh. My life. My life of a wandering mind. My life of trying to calm thy mind..

#Anxiety #Depression #Insomnia #IntrusiveThoughts #Migraines #Therapy #Healing #CheckInWithMe #Chatspace #GAD #PTSD #Undiagnoused #NegativeThoughts

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Can’t sleep and crying #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde #NegativeThoughts

I can’t sleep my mind is racing with deep negativity. Last night I hugged my mom and it felt great. I’m usually not a hugger. I really wish I could wake her up and hugged her. She means so much to me. She is my best friend. She is my biggest supporter. I don’t know what I will do without her. I journaled 3 pages so far and posted online for a depression group I’m an admin in. The cat is trying to comfort me. I’m very proud of myself though. Yesterday at the mall I didn’t by anything besides my Starbucks. I could have very easily maxed out my credit card at Nordstrom. But I didn’t

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I'M still feeling very out off about my worker not showing up on Sunday, I never got any call or message about yesterday today. I'm worried if anyone will come this week on Friday and Sunday. I guess all the #NegativeThoughts come to mind. I waited one full hour, and nobody came. Again no Email or phone # ca;ll stating nobody coming today or they are running late. My day with them is like from 12 to 3. So did i wait long enough? Should i have waited longer? I have no problems with another other worker i have. Just this one isn'rt dependable. She was late before and day was shorten. Came early once. She is nice and all but i don't think i want her for my worker anymore. I think i enjoy my time with my other ones better. Is that #Wrong to say or feel? I just want one that wants to do things withs. Staying all day at the group home doing crafts isn't fun. Unless it was a rainy or snowy day. Just how i feel. I still feel like because she is the bossy's daughter she can get away with this and slack off. This is a services for people. Ok just needed to vent. I'M gonna share this with my mental health worker and see what she says. #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Depression #Anxiety #Annoyed

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Loving our whole self is a journey.

This isn’t easy and it takes failing and trying and practice. I’m working through this myself and thought I would share. #NegativeThoughts #BDD #ADHD #MentalHealth #PTSD

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I’m so tired of this shit that’s called life #Borderline #ChronicDepression #NegativeThoughts #restless #toxicfamily

I am so tired of worrying about my family. My mom doesn't accept me because of the changes from borderline and depression, and my dad just stands behind his girlfriend and blames me for not checking in, even though he never writes either. I mean - does he think this will help me? I had a suicide attempt last New Year's Eve and honestly he could have been thinking. Why should I blame myself when it's not even my fault?
And somehow my life is going down the drain again, I'm in debt, I'm currently having a depressive episode and I've started a new job which is very stressful. Will everything get better at some point? Yesterday I signed up for a program, called quit the shit. A program that helps people to quit smoking weed. I hope it will get better soon and I can be happy again. Maybe sometime in a few months I'll go to a clinic to do DBT. That is supposed to help borderliners.
I don’t know, my thoughts keep running and running and running in circles and I can’t do anything to stop it. It’s exhausting.