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Terrified #help
I think I'm losing it. Sometimes there are "bright days" which give me the illusion of getting better. Like there was a way out. But when I'm honest to myself I fell the frightening truth. It's like I was slowly fading away. Like I was less and less with every day.
It began with my vocabulary and I didn't pay much attention to it. I'm an author/poet. Better said I used to be. Now I can hardly find the most basic words in everyday communication. I'm reading my previous poems and am chocked by the pain. Nowadays I'm basically unable to solve a math example or keep things in mind. My family thinks I just don't pay attention and am incompetent even to everyday tasks. But I haven't always been like this Back in high school I usually won regional competitions my poems were publicited. In nursery I was considered an "extraordinary child" and took tests which showed I was more intelligent than the average.
Today I'm considered a failure. And what kills me from the inside, is knowing I'm constantly giving my best to be normal. Each day is a continuous struggle and fight against this consuming fog. But all my efforts are just dust in the air. In feel it taking over me. I know I could have done better.
I'm still trying to keep myself in the belief, it's just the illness, I will be ok. But I'm truly terrified of what awaits me. And the people around me. I don't want to be like this... My family is at the point, that they don't trust me anymore. And I can wholly understand why...
I'm afraid this will oly get worse. I'm desperate and I'm crying for help.. I just need someone to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be ok. I want to believe it. I want it. But there's no help...
#help #scaredandalone #terrified #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MemoryLoss #Fading #helpme
