I am exhausted. Tired of being exhausted. I’m at a point where I can barely keep my eyes open but even when I do close them I don’t sleep.
I just had quite a terrifying experience and I’m hoping someone here understands what I’m about to say..
I was trying to get to sleep, as a lot of you probably know, it is a feat on it’s own. I set myself up with some soothing music and calming essential oils. I hadn’t fallen asleep, but potentially was in that limbo between awake and asleep. You know, when you’re sort of drifting off to sleep but you are fully aware of sounds etc around you? I could hear the song that was playing. But I couldn’t move. It was like I was in a nightmare but I was awake and unable to move my body at all. I felt like I was being hit and like there was a force pushing and holding me down. My jaw felt clenched and I couldn’t open my mouth. I couldn’t lift my head. No matter what I tried to do I could not do anything and felt like being struck with some kind of forceful impact. I felt like I managed to grab my phone to dial 999 but it wouldn’t call. This whole time I could hear the song that was still playing.
Thinking about it now I cannot tell if I was having a nightmare that this was happening or if I was consciously trying to move and couldn’t.
I just don’t know. It was terrifying. I felt like I was going to be found dead.
My BFF my husband for years didn’t want to address a health situation, I suffered in silence 4 years wondering “ what if “ and my worst nightmare has arrived - he’s been in the hospital 4 nearly 2 months Clinging to life - hospital sucks - they aren’t compassionate at all - we went from a stomach problem to an upcoming amputation- I’m alone confused- can barely breathe. He was my caregiver my hero my everything. DONT know how to move forward- emotional- financial-or move on , I’m just a woman who took care of her husband & my husband was & is my shield and sword. #terrified #Anxiety #Vulnerable
I have Cerebral Palsy & have put on such a strong independent front that people forget that I have it.
I have memory issues and a host of other ailments.
My dad in law passing along with owing 16000.00 in taxes for 2019/2020 has me wishing I would disappear. I can't eat, sleep or think.
I don't want to be here anymore.
It's too much.
I’m at the ER right now with my husband (Of course because of Covid I can’t go in with him). He’s having shortness of breath and cheat pains. As most of you know I just lost my Dad this year in January. I cannot lose my husband also!! I’m terrified!! # scared #Anxiety #terrified
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I have been waking up terrified. Terrified of going to hell because I gave my dog away due to my illness. I have 2 cats and sometimes the responsibility overwhelms me. I go from wanting to be the perfect owner to not wanting any pets. The extremes kill me. I'm vegan and haunted by images of animals in slaughterhouses. I yell stop and practice gratitude. But the desire to run away from life is so strong. I can barely manage part time teaching and some days are exhausting trying to regulate my emotions. Only my faith in God keeps me going. Does anyone else feel so scared?
Not officially diagnosed but plan to later this week, talk to a counselor in regards to whether or not I may have PTSD.
The problem with this, is that on top of GAD and major depressive disorder, I already feel overwhelmingly out of control of my emotions, thoughts and actions.
I have nightmares where I have woken up screaming, flailing, and terrified that I didn't recognize my own bedroom. My (super supportive and loving) boyfriend has had black eyes, bumps and bruises to prove this over the last 2 years.
I am so scared that even with a diagnosis, there is nothing I can do to help me put these experiences behind me. I am terrified that this is simply one more thing I'll be given pills for, and that I can't escape my past experiences.
I have seen counselors before, explained my past experiences, and the effects they have had on me. I often get VERY LITTLE help from these counselors regarding any of the issues we talk about.
No amount of pills, counselors, psychiatrists, or talking has helped me over the last 16 years.
I feel hopeless, alone, constantly terrified of falling asleep, afraid of being around any stranger that looks at me, is bigger than me or looks threatening in any way shape or form. I feel like there is no solution. That there will never be a solution. I feel like I'm stretching myself so thin just attempting to reach out for help, when I'm not even confident that help is within reach.
Has anyone else felt like this? I no longer know what to do, because no one will give me an answer. I get a lot of "I'm sorry that happened to you" and a lot of prescriptions, but pills don't fix the past..
#PTSD #GAD #Depression #hopelessness #Trapped #help #terrified #overwhelmed #PillsCantFixThis
Anyone ever feel terrified to answer the phone?? When I am feeling low it is so hard to answer the phone, especially when it’s a number I don’t recognize. I don’t know what I think is going to happen lol. I think when I am that low the thought of one more negative thought or bad thing happening is scary because that could be the thing that toppled me over completely... #Depression #Anxiety #Motivation #terrified #Parenting
She gone for vacation. I thought I was going to lose it as I walked out of the office. I burst into tears when I reached my car. She said all I needed to do was to be here when she gets back. She is the only person I could talk to the only one that cares if I live. I don't know what I'm going to do.. I looked down at my fitbit and my pulse was 116bpm. Full blown panic attack. Its 6 pm and I'm going to my room. I don't know what else I can say. Now I am really alone. #Losingmymind
So today is day 2 of what seems like minimum of 2 weeks. This morning started good, had coffee with my best friend. Then there was a mix up with the time had to see my Dr...
Then I went to group session... O my word, what a complete circus. Everybody walks in and out like they please, there is absolutely NO structure. Now for a person that needs structure to function these groups are terrible. I cannot take it when 10 people speak at once and the whole conversations about "lemons" turns into a conversation of "car parts"... And then they speak in their native language which I don't understand (This is an English institution, so I find that down right rude) OK maybe that's taking it a notch far but I need you to fully understand the extent of the chaos I find myself in.
These groups are voluntary. The hospital I was admitted to previously, groups were structured and compulsory. It might seem harsh, but I learnt a lot there. There was no walking in and out unless your Dr or Therapist wanted to see you. Strict but structured. I guess we all flourish in our own way. The best part of the day was an art group at the end of the day. Painted and that was awesome, not quite done yet, needs some finishing touches.
Tomorrow I begin ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), this will be my first time. And I am terrified. I understand the administration and it is not the treatment that worries me but the possible after effects. Guess we'll have to wait and see.
Spoke with the Boys and my youngest cried again. It breaks my heart to see how difficult it is for them too. I find my peace in the fact that I am here to be here for a much longer time. Because if I wasn't admitted, I would have done something very stupid. Have a good day guys xx
PS. Anybody who is scared to be admitted, most likely we get scared because we realize that we are loosing or already lost control. We are afraid of the unknown. But wouldn't it be great to take back that self control? Remember, the only person you can change is you and your reactions.
#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2 #Suicide #ECT #terrified