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Beating myself up.
I've gone through a lot..
For the last while I feel like it's completely hopeless.
It was almost 11 years ago now that I met my favorite person online. We were both hardcore online gamers.
I'm married and he has a long term girlfriend.
We had a hardcore online affair. My husband knew, but didn't care. We've had a few others involved in our life together. I've been with him for 23 years. He has ADHD and has never been very emotional.
To make a long story short, I was completely in love with my online fantasy world. The guy was my world, still is..
I got sick, really sick back in 2018. I had stage 3 colon cancer and it almost killed me.
While I was sick and fighting for my life (at only the age of 38), his step daughter took her own life and it broke him.
While I was sick I took a lot of my anger out on him.
Last year we ended it in October.
Shortly after we stopped talking, I received a phone call from his girlfriend. She told me she knew everything.
At first I didn't feel anything, other than wondering if she truly knew everything..
Even after everything, I still miss him so much!
He wasn't the only guy I talked to online. We both had the same group of friends. Recently I have started talking to the other guy friends online. They don't know about the true relationship I've had with my fantasy guy. Sometimes I want to tell them everything! It almost has slipped a few times..
Yesterday I broke down and sent him a message. I doubt I'll hear back.
I'm broken, confused, full of shame and hurt. I miss him so much.
I'm still able to get on his YouTube playlist and listen to our favorite music and remember the good times. He has a recording on there of him gaming with some other guys. The other night I played it so I could hear his voice. I almost melted in the pain and joy it gave me.
What do I do? How do I move on?
I can't let him go..
I could go on, but this thought is long enough.
Thanks for reading. It helps to say what's on my mind. 🌸
