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    I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.

    The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

    I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.

    12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?

    Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.

    My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.

    #power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor

    11 reactions 2 comments

    Black Dog

    George Bernard Shaw said, “A Native American elder once described his own inner struggles in this manner: Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time. When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, ‘The one I feed the most’.”#Trauma #Love #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Lonliness #Sadness #Depression #Lonliness #self #Friends #Family #sad #Emotion #Life #MakeMeLaugh #Shame #Guilt #suffering #Pain #hurt #struggle #Happiness #peace #MightyMinute

    10 reactions 4 comments

    Self Imposed Prison - Trapped in my own mind

    When my world came crashing down, I was forced to find my way in the world. Every bad decision I made altered the course of my life. I was stuck in a rut as my father described it. Unfortunately for me; it was much worse than that.

    The rut was one thing and the need to pull myself out of it was ever present. Sadly the rut was only the beginning of a life-time of negative emotions and regret. I wish I could have experienced the trauma and continued with a positive attitude and I did attempt to forget about the people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to forget and move on I was stuck reliving the trauma over and over again.

    Angry, sadness and revenge continuously played on my mind. As time has passed I just wanted some closure from the incident as it is forever haunting me. Even an apology would make me feel a little better instead I am stuck in self-loathing and misery while the people who hurt me continue on as though nothing happened.

    While everyone my age was having a good time and enjoying their youth, I would spend each weekend isolating in my room. Weekends trying to forget what happened to me with the help of marijuana. I was my own worst enemy, imprisoned and desperate for a solution. Just like everything else in my life - I was looking for an easy fix. An easy fix which I am still looking for to this day

    I have come to realise that trauma will be ever present in my life. It has become a part of me whether I like it or not. The victim mindset has plagued me for years and I need to make a change. I need to let go of the negativity and anger once and for all.

    #Recovery #PTSD #Depression #selfmedicate #Sadness #Pain #hurt #suffering #Addiction #Hatred #Jealousy #anger #despair #gloom #Doom #Love #Support #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Friendship #Family #people #places #things #control #Emotion #sad #feelingbetter #Slowly #Survivor #illness #struggle #adversity #Sabotage #selfawareness #Reflection

    8 reactions 3 comments

    So I'm in Walgreens prescription & booster shot. I decided to get a few things & thought I would finish before shot. Didn't, so decided I would get prescription before they close or I forgot. Pharmacist gives me prescription & says have a seat be right with you. I put my shopping basket down, place my personal bag on top. I thought I was being honest, and start taking off coat. Woman walks by saying you have your bag ontop of groceries. "Oh I know I'm getting a booster shot I haven't paid for this yet. I'm not done shopping." You have a prescription? "Yes I paid for that but I'm not done yet." Tries to walk away with my basket. "Mam! I'm still shopping can I have my basket back" Pharmacist is like is everything ok? I overheard lady telling staff to keep an eye on me.

    I'm on my way home now. The pharmacist was super nice. Finished my shopping. When I checked out I asked cashier to look in my bag so I wouldn't be harassed after check out. Turns out cashier was a manager. He apologized said I was ok.
    But I'm upset. I started swearing & I don't swear. Wtf!!? #Harrassement #Anxiety #bullies #anger #Depression #triggers #emotional Pain #painful #suffering #isolated

    9 reactions 3 comments
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    Zero Love & Belonging for me & now my body is continually rejecting me with new diseases too. Pain vs Suffering

    This is my “BEAUTIFUL FAMILY”; My daughter-38 and older husband and his son to the left. To the right, my Diamond, her daughter, then new daughter in law and son (20). I should say my grandchildren, right. When? I had to begin going behind her back to see my Diamond when she is with her father. Then severe Long CoVid caused Dysautonomia, a big car accident where I got off pretty well- except my vision was damaged even more and Dysautonomia made even worse. I fainted every day for awhile. The 20yr old harmed me last & most 2 weeks after his 18th birthday, just a few days before mine. His mother hugged and consoled me. Made him move out. She didn’t come right back as promised. She went tanning for 4 days on a boat with an ex & still blames me 100%— again!
    That beautiful young man I have always loved like my own was raised to hate me once his mom became jealous. He is gone now too. First he cleverly acted to cause me to be deleted from THE family holiday celebration.

    My daughter sent me this photo after Thanksgiving. I had to call truce due to a tragedy in a woman’s life. Still, she avoided me entire month to avoid a conversation about Thanksgiving. She made herself Matron of the family. I am the ONLY adult my age (58) or older who’s child didn’t do something for them to honor them for the holiday.

    It does not occur to her that all I can see is everyone’s joy as long as I am absent. My mom disowned me for being disabled years and years ago, and my sister left drugs finally to take my place with Mom. She even removed every single picture out of the picture albums shoved them in an empty kids chalk plastic container and gave them to my daughter who left them with her ex. He dumped them on my front porch. Imagine that mind bend!! That was who my holiday anchor was until I was disabled and she uninvited me year after year and then nothing.
    Before or maybe not long after the incident with my grandson I directly asked my daughter, “Do I have love and belonging with you?” Her, “What do you mean!!??” I just repeated it palms up. Her, “I don’t know what to say. This feels like some kind of trick.” she said suspiciously. I was aghast. I was on the verge of tears and turning around, “No Blank. It is just that. I want to know if I have love and belonging with you.” And she answered me plainly. “Then No. You don’t.” This has come up and she has never changed it. I suppose I have a relationship because of my Diamond girl and maybe because she reaches out to me and says she loves me because I’m always here for her. Nope. Codependency left the building couple years ago. I have even had her on no contact for my sanity and lost the girl.

    My depression is so deep I can barely take a breath right now. I want to be loved and to know belonging before I die.
    I wake in #Pain everyday. My fourth CoVid caused my #longcovid to go Primal on me. BA.5 is not like the rest, honest. I finally turned to my alternative Dr herbal Chinese Medicine. I have a Master’s in Nursing and know know know that Western medicine might be covered but is also prescribing black label medications for chronic pain without the deep discussion patients deserve. My own mother in law suffered a stroke as a result of this. They added a black box label, but who explains that it even tells people? See-I’m so #angry . So I gotta pay $$$ out of Disability and $$ monthly for livability. From disability have a tea special made for me 3 times a day that controls my chronic pain enough to move in the house and such. It’s great. Still NO ONE understands that #ChronicPain or weakness, or just can’t either. Major #Depression is when I start to cry. Severe Depression is when I stop crying. Sometimes I start thinking and sometimes I stop. It is much scarier if I start. Pain is tolerable, #suffering is not, and #chronicsuffering is the most brutal of all.
    This Grief I bear, of having NEVER had #belonging once I was also #Abandoned by my poor child that I gave all my limited resources to, I died inside. I substantially failed and raised a daughter who is compassion and empathy challenged. I don’t remember being taught to call my grandparents. I didn’t teach my daughter to. My mom is brutal. Oddly, my daughter repeats her and has barely known her?
    My last straw today is a roommate who played the second mom, daughter who loves you, won’t abandon you card. I didn’t buy it. It’s talk. But I thought she could at least be a civil roommate. She walks in and out of the place without a word. Just jumps on that ABANDONED button as hard as she can! Profanity to the Nines! #Profanity #CPTSD #PTSD #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #AgoraphobiaWithoutHistoryOfPanicDisorder #Grief #longcovid #disposable

    I tried. I don’t have words for what’s happening inside me. This is like Anticipatory grief of a hospice patient you know is gonna pass but we keep holding on and loving them just the same. It all makes the body even harder to manage. Thank you, whoever you are.

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    Do you engage in comparative suffering?

    Do you ever find it difficult to lean into what you are struggling with because you find yourself thinking "I shouldn't feel this way. XYZ person has it worse"? I do. All. The. Time. It's like there's some kind of continuum for suffering and my suffering never makes the cut.

    I feel a deep sense of shame for feeling angry, sad, scared, grief, loss, over things that are tumultuous in my own life when I hear that someone else is going through something I deem way worse.

    And yet, that completely invalidates our own experiences in life. When did we learn that our struggle doesn't matter? How did we decide that everyone else should come ahead of us?

    I'm not saying we shouldn't be empathetic and show compassion for others in their struggles. But we really need to do the same for our own. Acknowledge that something sucks and allow ourselves to feel those feelings.

    It's SO HARD though.

    Does this resonate with you? If so, how. Share below.

    #Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #Comparison #struggle #suffering


    Disabled or apathetic? MS, PTSD, chronic pain, depression,… really? How do I live this way?

    I wake up every day hoping the #fog will clear but it rarely ever does. It’s like being #underground and seeing the #light and #goals way above but they’re hardly visible. I feel like I’m trying to figure out how to navigate and get up there, over one the #Pain and #Fatigue , and just see the light. Each day seems harder and I am continually being beaten down by societies demands just to stay alive, live, eat, breathe, function and get any type of care. My family has #Abandoned me because, as my sister said. “She just can’t.” My children have not abandoned me but they have their lives and because it’s so hard to travel, or get through each day, seeing them is rare. The bank is trying to take my house, just because they want it and not because I don’t, or can’t pay. I feel numb inside and scared. What happens if…? Do I become another statistic and #Homeless , alone and #suffering and no one cares? I’m not sure that’s depression or reality and reality sucks enough to make you feel depressed. I don’t want anymore “treatment” from anyone and I can’t afford it anyway . I want this to end. I’m PV

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    Need to vent

    I have been away from the Mighties for a while now but today I feel like I have to vent, I have to share with someone how I feel. I have what some people call high functioning anxiety. Actually it is becoming as I would call it non-functioning and just unbearable. I am functinal because I have a family and a job that I have to do however difficult it is because I need the money. I am taking meds and I go to therapy (on my own cost, insurance does not cover either) but I feel like it is just getting worse. And before you tell me to use deep breathing, meditation, calming videos, I can tell you that I have been trying all for years and it seems like I am not doing it the right way because they are not working. I wake up every morning covered in sweat, stomach issues, nsusea, heart palpitations, shaking etc. It drains me so much to be functional for my own and my family's sake that it has become undbearable. This is not a life, this is a struggle to stay alive each day. I don't want to just exist full of pain, I want to live! This, this is not living, this is a small atom of me dying each day. My nervous system is completely messed up, I'm in a survival mode constantly, fists tight, muscle spasms, jaw stiff. Yes, there are some moments and some days, fewer and fewer when I feel almost OK. The point is that I'm not OK. To be in survival mode constantly is not a way to live for anyone. Yes, I do try to motivate myself, tried positive self-talk but my body and mind are so deeply in an altered state that it does not help. Do I continue therapy? How long will I be able to just exist in pain and suffering? My family needs me but they need me as a happy and functional person and not a complete mess. I keep losing hope that I will ever be better, happy, functional, 'normal'. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to die, I just want to live and not feel trapped, stuck in pain. Ten years living like this and getting worse....
    Sorry for the typing mistakes, sorry for just dumping it all on whoever reads it but I had to. I am at the point of breaking into pieces. I know that many of you can probably relate.
    Thank you for reading it. #Anxiety #Depression #chronic fatigue #suffering #BackPain #ChronicPain #ChronicHeadaches #menopause #MentalHealth


    The Truth of Chronic Pain & The Why of Long-suffering; A Series of Writings by Melanie R. (Con’t) #Christian #ChronicPain #InvisibleIllness

    Is there any purpose to my suffering?

    If God is good all the time, why do I suffer so?

    Have I angered God and deserve these afflictions?

    This is not the sovereign God I have come to know during all my years of suffering.
    The “good” of suffering is falling daily in reliance. I am in total submission in this pain-filled body. This is for my good I believe to teach myself or/or others something spiritual and in fulfillment of HIS purpose.
    Of course suffering is suffering, and pain is pain,… it’s knawing, vulnerable, exhausting, and extremely difficult to live through.

    Are all these years of my life in suffering condensed into a life lost to disability?

    Am I lost in the wilderness?

    When will I truly be found?

    1 Peter 4: 12-13
    Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice, as you share in Christs’ sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when HIS glory is revealed!

    By God’s Grace through faith-
    Yes, Amazing Grace!
    Although I am lost, I have alot yet to learn through suffering, but in tandem, I have truly been found!
    Chronic Illness Activist/Advocate Sarah Jackson beautifully quotes,

    ”Sometimes physical suffering is the impetus to experiencing spiritual flourishing,
    Sometimes you have to lose your best life in order to gain your best self!Chronic Illness can become a redemptive gift!”
    There truly is purpose to suffering!
    Jesus not only knows of our suffering,
    but suffered for us on the cross, and suffers with us daily!

    #ChronicPain #suffering #Christian #InvisibleIllness


    The Truth of Chronic Pain & The Why of Long-Suffering: A Series of Writings by Melanie R. #ChronicPain #suffering #Christian

    Why do we suffer?
    Why do bad things happen to good people? Where is God when we suffer?
    Does God even know we suffer?
    Do I deserve to suffer?
    Is Chronic pain, chronic illness, and disability all that God meant to do with my vibrant life?
    These are some of the questions I have asked myself, and that we can ponder upon as Christians as we suffer in many ways during this earthly experience.
    From the many atrocities and unjust sufferings of the world to chronic illness of yourself or a loved one, suffering in chronic pain to me is the very definition of pure misery.
    The biblical perspective of suffering has helped me to answer some of these questions. We can tend to feel helpless and hopeless at times as we walk through medical trials and true suffering of chronic pain.
    Joni Earickson-Tada knows of such suffering and has been one of the many inspirations on my journey toward understanding true long-suffering. Joni was riddled with quadraplasia and chronic pain after severing her spinal cord in a diving accident at age 17. Being wheelchair bound now over 50 years, she found her purpose in God and multiple limitations, while providing wheelchairs for those in need, and encouraging many suffering around the world. Joni quotes, ”God permits what he hates to accomplish what he loves. Trials are a test of faith,…to test if you become bitter or trust in God!”
    When we come to Christ, we do come to suffer. We have to be willing and trusting through our sufferings. It’s an opportunity to strengthen our faith and open our spiritual eyes to how we respond to hardships, sickness, afflictions, etc.
    How have I come to learn this?
    In total reliance, at the foot of the cross while trusting in Jesus with my life and applying biblical principles in all that I do.
    I’ve always found it painfully overwhelming and difficult to articulate, but I’ve come to know long-suffering through my current and past history of many medical trials of excruciating pain and multiple surgeries. Not only the actual constant physical pain, but the years of failed body, unfulfilled dreams, loss of identity, isolation, apprehension of treatment because treatments have not made you better, disconnection, and inability to relate to loved ones, pervasive shame and guilt, etc….. just to name a few!
    With all of these seemingly negative aspects of suffering, people have asked how I remain graceful while carrying such a heavy load of adversity. I’m asked how do I smile through pain and remain so positive. The answer is more simple than you’d ever expect!
    Reading through the scriptures, Christ is accessible, and suffering can be seen in a different light.
    As in 2 Thessalonians 1:5 (KJV): which is a manifest token of the righteous judgement of GOD, that ye may be counted worthy of the kingdom of GOD to which ye also suffer.
    We were meant to endure til the end while we suffer in our souls.