Greatest fear became reality
My heart dropped, right into the pit of my weak stomach. The blood in my body felt like it drained right out of my veins. And then, the nausea and shaking. When bad news becomes so devastating you throw up, you cannot breathe.
My birthday celebrations had been in full swing: my partner and small family, after a year of loss, homelessness and rejection from others/employers whilst dealing with bullying I just wanted a nice day. Just and hour before the clock turned 12 and I’d be another year older; My now ex partner would announce he slept with someone else, I knew something was up by his body language that evening. My intuition told me something is wrong, but I didn’t realise it would be this. Following this devastating news I find out he’d also talk to other girls on dating apps moments after we were close and intimate.
I wanted to stay ignorant, I wish I never knew so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
This time, he isn’t coming back. He was the last person in my life that hadn’t left; my trauma prior to this has been so immense that not many people have bothered sticking around. I’ve finally found I’m now alone in this world. But the biggest realisation for me is that you can think you know someone, inside out. He would constantly reassure me that I’m the only girl for him, I’m gorgeous in every way for him. He only has eyes for me. But how wrong I was, now realising that it was a front, my rock and my love has completely betrayed me. Disrespected me, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I am not to say he was entirely bad, this is why it’s so hard. I was in love, to the ends of the earths with him; a month before he would make a proposal style gesture for a promise ring with a heart inside to say he will never leave and I have his heart. But unfortunately I didn’t quite have the rest of his anatomy.
I know many people will share my feelings in their own stories of infidelity and cheating. As a BPD sufferer, I’d always worry he would leave me, or find someone better than me, the thought of him leaving my life was horrific and painful.
It’s such a crushing feeling of total violation and a loss of trust. I question myself, was it me? Was I not good enough? Was she what he wanted? I wish it never happened, sometimes I wished I stayed ignorant. But that is my denial still at play. I don’t know how I can move onto trust another, when you were once so convinced they were the most loyal and faithful person you’ve met. I still feel sick, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep without crying. Heartbreak is killing my soul inside. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cheating #Affair #abandonment #Abandoned #Depression #lonely #Fp #Grief #Loss