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Greatest fear became reality

My heart dropped, right into the pit of my weak stomach. The blood in my body felt like it drained right out of my veins. And then, the nausea and shaking. When bad news becomes so devastating you throw up, you cannot breathe.

My birthday celebrations had been in full swing: my partner and small family, after a year of loss, homelessness and rejection from others/employers whilst dealing with bullying I just wanted a nice day. Just and hour before the clock turned 12 and I’d be another year older; My now ex partner would announce he slept with someone else, I knew something was up by his body language that evening. My intuition told me something is wrong, but I didn’t realise it would be this. Following this devastating news I find out he’d also talk to other girls on dating apps moments after we were close and intimate.

I wanted to stay ignorant, I wish I never knew so I didn’t have to deal with the pain.
This time, he isn’t coming back. He was the last person in my life that hadn’t left; my trauma prior to this has been so immense that not many people have bothered sticking around. I’ve finally found I’m now alone in this world. But the biggest realisation for me is that you can think you know someone, inside out. He would constantly reassure me that I’m the only girl for him, I’m gorgeous in every way for him. He only has eyes for me. But how wrong I was, now realising that it was a front, my rock and my love has completely betrayed me. Disrespected me, and now I’m left to pick up the pieces. I am not to say he was entirely bad, this is why it’s so hard. I was in love, to the ends of the earths with him; a month before he would make a proposal style gesture for a promise ring with a heart inside to say he will never leave and I have his heart. But unfortunately I didn’t quite have the rest of his anatomy.

I know many people will share my feelings in their own stories of infidelity and cheating. As a BPD sufferer, I’d always worry he would leave me, or find someone better than me, the thought of him leaving my life was horrific and painful.
It’s such a crushing feeling of total violation and a loss of trust. I question myself, was it me? Was I not good enough? Was she what he wanted? I wish it never happened, sometimes I wished I stayed ignorant. But that is my denial still at play. I don’t know how I can move onto trust another, when you were once so convinced they were the most loyal and faithful person you’ve met. I still feel sick, I cannot eat, I cannot sleep without crying. Heartbreak is killing my soul inside. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #cheating #Affair #abandonment #Abandoned #Depression #lonely #Fp #Grief #Loss

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Had a on and off again with my FP #Affair . #Affair #Spiltting #impulsive

I've had an FP for the last 10 years that use to be a close co-worker of mine. He's married and has 2 kids and had been dealing with martial issues. I myself have a husband myself and 3 kids and have been going through issues at home myself. I can admit that my BPD has played a major part in the splitting that has occurred in my personal relationship and I would just be so angry and frustrated by the actions of my husband sometimes and just felt eventually he woul get feed up and leave me. I would feel so much hate towards him it would be uncontrollable and I could feel myself pushing him away. Now listen, my husband is the most loving and tender hearted human being I've ever met in my life. Cooks, cleans, good provider and absolutely great father and does what ever possible to make me happy. I would share these feelings with my FP and he would give me great advice on how to communicate things to my husband better. I started to feel myself growing closer to my FP and eventually developing strong feelings for him. The closer I got to him , the further away I pulled away from my husband. I actually stop sleeping with my husband and started to distancing myself from him. Somehow, I started seeing him as my enemy and felt as though he was cheating on me or he didn't find me attractive anymore. I started to feel very lonely and my FP started to encourage me to leave my husband because he wasn't making me happy. I told him that I was no longer sleeping with him and my FP offered to help me with my sexual needs. I figured, why not? I still was sleeping with my husband also but actually enjoyed my FP sex more for some unexplainable reason. I don't even find my FP that attractive and would never be in a real relationship with him.
So we became friends with benefits and hooked up over a period of 6 years. Just sex with no comment. So long story short...
My husband founded out about us and I feel so horrible and ashamed of what I've done to him. I've completely destroyed him and my family. The way he looked at me in so much pain and disbelief about what I had been doing behind his back sent me into panic and the most humiliating guilt I've ever felt in my life. All I could do is blame him for not paying enough attention to me and not being more intimate. I told him I felt alone at the house with him and the kids. My FP basically ghosted me because my husband private investigator gather so much information on him, he basically told me he wanted nothing to do with the situation. We haven't spoken in 5 months and I starting to think that he was just using me. My husband has forgiven me and apologized for his part in the affair but I know that he was only reacting to my lies and manipulative behavior. He said he was only trying to do what I wanted him to do and it never felt like he was ever doing anything right. Now I'm realizing how much this man truly loves me and I fear that I'm going to loose him and my kids. How did I get here? What have I done?

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Today would have been my anniversary with my ex-wife. 9 years together, 3 married.

It was a year ago last week that she told me there was someone else. Then she took it back and we tried to make it work for 7 months- the entire time she was cheating on me.

About 2 days before I came out to Utah for treatment, we called it quits for good. I couldn’t ignore the multiple forms of proof she was cheating, and we just were miserable.

I came out here in April and pretended she never existed. I ran from my problems. ​
But problems always catch up with us, don’t they? ​

A couple weeks ago, I started feeling really depressed. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t get out of bed. Then it hit me that the anniversary was coming up.​

I talked to some people today and cried. Really cried. I let myself feel the pain. It’s sucked so much, but it’s necessary for healing.

I asked my therapist to sign the papers for me to leave AMA (against medical advice). She told me I could sign them and leave, but she’d have to call the cops because she knew my level of intent to kill myself was so high. ​I told her they would’ve find me in time. She said she’d call them to pick me up right then and there. She knows how much I hate psych wards.

I told her I’m just so tired of being in so much pain without reprieve, lately. And I have no idea how much longer it’d last. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold on. ​

I asked if she was frustrated with me and she said, not exactly. She said she doesn’t know how to help me.​ She said her heart hurts for me. She cried.

I told her that when therapists and other professionals had gotten to this point, had said they didn’t know how to help, that’s when they leave.​

She told me I’m projecting previous therapists’ and others’ actions onto her and it isn’t fair. ​

She says things sometimes that hurt to hear, but definitely affect me. I need to hear them. ​

#Therapy #si #SuicidalIdeation #Anniversary #Relationships #Divorce #Affair #cheating #feelings


Beating myself up.

I've gone through a lot..
For the last while I feel like it's completely hopeless.
It was almost 11 years ago now that I met my favorite person online. We were both hardcore online gamers.

I'm married and he has a long term girlfriend.
We had a hardcore online affair. My husband knew, but didn't care. We've had a few others involved in our life together. I've been with him for 23 years. He has ADHD and has never been very emotional.
To make a long story short, I was completely in love with my online fantasy world. The guy was my world, still is..

I got sick, really sick back in 2018. I had stage 3 colon cancer and it almost killed me.
While I was sick and fighting for my life (at only the age of 38), his step daughter took her own life and it broke him.

While I was sick I took a lot of my anger out on him.
Last year we ended it in October.
Shortly after we stopped talking, I received a phone call from his girlfriend. She told me she knew everything.
At first I didn't feel anything, other than wondering if she truly knew everything..

Even after everything, I still miss him so much!
He wasn't the only guy I talked to online. We both had the same group of friends. Recently I have started talking to the other guy friends online. They don't know about the true relationship I've had with my fantasy guy. Sometimes I want to tell them everything! It almost has slipped a few times..
Yesterday I broke down and sent him a message. I doubt I'll hear back.

I'm broken, confused, full of shame and hurt. I miss him so much.
I'm still able to get on his YouTube playlist and listen to our favorite music and remember the good times. He has a recording on there of him gaming with some other guys. The other night I played it so I could hear his voice. I almost melted in the pain and joy it gave me.
What do I do? How do I move on?
I can't let him go..

I could go on, but this thought is long enough.
Thanks for reading. It helps to say what's on my mind. 🌸

#fantacy world #FavoritePerson #suffering #Affair


How can I trust friends who have cheated before?

My best friend had an affair with her cousin’s husband. I plan on telling her how I feel once my fiancé is back from deployment. Another close friend of mine introduced me to my now fiancé. They hooked up 4 years ago and she was married. He wants nothing to do with her ever. she’s made it clear we are to never bring the past up for respect of my relationship. Wishes she could take it all back. I believe her! How home I can trust the female who has a history with my fiancé over my best friend that had an affair?!
#Friendship #Relationships #cheaters #Affair

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Recovery from adultery #Adultery #Depression #Trust #anger #Forgiveness #Revenge #desperation #Obssesivethoughts

Hello and thanks for reading my wife and I have been together for 14 years, married 5. The last 4 years we have been _#FosterParents . We have three little kids and we are in the process of adopting them
Last year my wife #Cheated on me with her ex boyfriend
This #Affair left me in a #MajorDepression .
I can’t #forgive , I can’t forget, and I am #obsessed with how this happened
We go to marriage counseling
I go to men’s group and to #Celebraterecovery
I’m working on my #CBT skills
I’d like to keep my family and recover
I feel the need to destroy her ex boyfriend and his family
I feel the need to end my marriage and, by doing so, give up my children that we love dearly
Anyone been here?
Any tips, advice, or kind words?
Thanks for readingp