I'm having a hard time today. I lost a cousin last night. I just lost my whole original thought before I could post it so now I'm going to condense what I lost by accident. I've been attending wakes & funerals since the age of 4 when my parents died in a murder-suicide. I'll be 40 in the fall so maybe you can imagine how many I've been to over these years. For some reason losing my cousin just broke something in me. I fell into my old ways of despair & sadness. I couldn't stop the rumination & utter fear of Life & death. A horrible thought has been dawning on me. I'm going to have to bury all my loved ones & it scares the hell out of me. My problem is that I have an intense fear of being unable to do so until God takes me home. The loss of loved ones hasn't gotten easier. It's become almost unbearable. I've already made a promise that only God can take me off this Earth. I fear I won't be strong enough to make it to the end. I'm also confused as to whether my bpd is causing the intense tears or if I'm mostly trying to grieve normally? Or not? You know? I really really needed to share & I will be so grateful for any feedback. Tysm #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Suicide #Death #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #fightingforhope