complicated grief

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complicated grief
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    A weird hope, maybe? #ComplicatedGrief

    So, maybe a little TMI but it's relevant. I have irregular periods, always have. Also lost my boyfriend end of September. Its been 2 months since I had my last period. I guess a small hope was that there would be a child even though I have never been regular. Even though I know having a kid to hold on to some part of my boyfriend is not a reason to have a child. I know, it's a stupid thought. I have been having weird grief thoughts. Like losing it every time I find one of his long hairs or not being able to get rid of the expired food in the fridge he bought. Or not being able to reset his alarm, so it goes off at 5:50 am Monday through Friday.

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    Grief defines me…

    I came across this - ‘sometimes in grief rock bottom so feels like home than a place of discomfort & joy is the scarier emotion.’

    So is one’s sense of reassuredness obtained more in our seeming gloom, grief & misery? Is pain and anguish the overarching and more truer condition of our living? Not sure which philosopher it was - Schopenhauer or Spinoza or Kierkegaard who had a similar premise but speaking for myself, all the loss, defeats and shame I have endured, suffering has been more determining of life’s trajectory. Even as i cannot but acknowledge few moments of exaltation, joy and contentment, the larger narrative of misery and despair renders me deeply suspicious, indeed dread whatever seeming moments of happiness that objectively speaking is on hand. For example I should be elated today for my book has finally been published. But the occasion has only made my deep sense of loss more pronounced, absences of folks I hold very dear more acute and my grief so apparent.

    The existential crisis - of loss of meaning, of no emotional peg to hold on to, the hollowness of positive affirmations, emptiness, the very collapse of hope, the uselessness of faith, sacraments & prayer - is so permanent, structural, so default that the so called affirmative, hope inducing path not to speak of so called moments of celebration & joy, appears so misguided & pathetic.😕

    My ex is descending into vegetative state and i’m unable to provide any succour or reassurance to her…😢I love her so deeply…being with her was much more than being with a person…there was our house, our beautiful garden, our soul enriching dogs…it was elevated living in every sense of the word all coming together in her. In her presence, company I grew, my soul nourished and my spirits soared…But her ailments consumed her reducing her to an existence of excruciating pain (people can’t even begin to comprehend how debilitating her illness is) and agony. Yet she braves it all. She doesn’t want to give up. i still can’t & couldn’t deal with her suffering. And she couldn’t deal with my suffering me & she insisted on separation . I failed as a care giver. I felt so then and I feel so more now. Is it my love morphing into something evil that is causing her to suffer? To love is to suffer as someone said. The painful poignancy of it all. The appalling conditions of existence with its ordeals, misery & aches being showered on few in unrelenting flow🤦🏽 if my condition is such, imagine what she is undergoing saddled with both excruciating mental & physical condition.

    The free who may have been following my posts here would probably figure my drift. Most may barely comprehend what i’m babbling about. I often don’t comprehend it myself. Figuring all these in isolation & loneliness is all I have for attempts at reassuring me by few (maybe well meaning) with bare cognisance of such travails, shame & suffering has been more damaging… most don’t even bother or attempt anymore. They have had enough of my moping & lament and my seeming inability to get over for many years now. But this grief is my own and overwhelming and i won’t allow anyone to trivialise it.

    For as things stand i’m my own best friend, counsellor, confidant even as I’m my own critic & enemy. I dedicate the book to her - the endearing, bravest soul I know notwithstanding being rejected. The research, the writing, the readings, the visits, my work…all that the writing of the book involved her presence was constant. But it was no therapy. Today the despair and anguish has only flared up. What satisfaction or contentment leave alone celebration or joy when the most dear to me not around…?!!😢 I do want to be cherished, hugged and in the least desire quality time of deep conversation, over food, drink and drives -things which did transpire between us for sometime but alas ! Very voodoo of life undid it all and in certain viciousness! 😔 #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #Pain #Rejection #Shame #despair #Depression #Loss


    Even Things Lost Were Once Gifts

    My mind skips around like an old recorder
    Scratches at each jump between
    Times when I think I’ve settled on an answer
    For what might seem a simple question
    If it weren’t loaded

    If I sleep with this keepsake tonight
    Will holding it close to my chest
    End up breaking it apart more later
    Just like our first to last of five months in this home
    Except boxes are, already, packed to leave
    And one of two of us already left completely

    I’m not sure what happpened to the you I got to see one last time
    It was just four or five hours
    But you were “back”,
    You were “alive”
    And you were kind
    And I had missed you so
    But that’s not why the tears streamed down my face
    It was bc I knew the you that you’d replace
    Would be the you that killed who you really were
    And all we could have been
    We wanted so much more
    Than “could have beens”

    I’m sorry I had to make the call
    When just days before, you had kissed my face
    But the Black Eyes returned within only days
    And just like that,
    The man I loved was replaced
    With a punishing parent
    From a patterned past
    Don’t you know there’s a reason
    Only Jesus should attempt to raise the dead

    Black Eyes moved toward
    And swiftly fell upon me
    3 digits and a screen had to intervene
    But they could only save me
    And that night I felt the loss of death
    There was nothing left in your eyes

    May Jesus raise you up like Lazarus
    May the One who is outside the bounds of
    Space and Time and Death
    Reunite us again
    When we are ready

    #BPD #Splitting #codependence #Loss #ComplicatedGrief



    I never thought I would have to grieve our so much. As a child I thought grief was for when someone died. As an adult I know it's so much more! I grieve for the future success in my career, for the children O can't have, for the things I cannot do, for the family I have lost, for time I have lost, for the childhood I never had. The list is much longer than that! So much longer! Chronic Illness and Abuse steals so much from a person. #abusesurvivor #CPTSD #PTSD #arthymias #Anxiety #Depression #treatmentresitantdepression #HypermobilitySyndrome #PsoriaticArthritis #spondylarthritis #methylationissues #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #StagesOfGrief


    Friend Lost Wife to Covid. They were married for 22 years and very much in love with 3 kids. In less than 6 months he slept with another woman.

    #ComplicatedGrief I am concerned that he is trying to fill a void and longing companionship. He met a woman that he is falling quickly for and wants to be exclusive and in another relationship. It’s only been 7 months to date and I am worried that he is moving too fast! Is it normal for someone who was in love and then lost so suddenly to want to move forward so quickly? It just seems kind of fast for me but he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to waste anymore time in his life bc tomorrow is not promised to us. What advice should I give or is this a normal reaction? Should the woman be concerned and demand he wait and let time heal and just be a friend to him? He genuinely looks at this woman with strong like, the chemistry is there, he is transparent, patient, loving.. he is a very good man. He said he doesn’t want to sleep around he wants to be with one woman. It just seems like 7 months is not enough time to grieve his wife whom he loved deeply or did he?


    Hard day

    I used to love being alone, in fact I enjoyed my own company over others at times. I'm an introvert and extrovert. When I go to the store I talk to everyone. I love meeting people and hearing their story. I planned to go to a bar/restaurant that has trivia tonight. I'm not a drinker but do enjoy being around people for a limited time. Now I just want to climb into bed and cry. I heard the following on a TV show I watch "life isn't meant to be solved, sometimes it's a tragedy that you endure" (not exact) but it's tragic but somewhat true " I'm not sure I can endure it any more. #sad #Hopless #Depression #ComplicatedGrief #estranged #alienated #alone #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder


    Need to forgive myself

    My 28 year old son committed suicide on thanksgiving 2019. Our last conversation was him asking me to move to NY to help him and I was so sick and told him that I promise I will be there by the 1st of the year. He responded with " that will be too late " I never thought he meant he would not be here in life. I wish I could have that memory erased from my brain. I let go of the most wonderful young man and failed him in the worst way. I can't go a day without thinking about it #ComplicatedGrief


    I let down and lost my mom and I'm too much of a coward to just pull the plug on this whole thing

    My mom had a mental disease that warped the way she interpreted reality. As a result, she ended up pushing literally everyone away, sometimes intentionally sometimes not.

    I ended up having to move in with her after falling on hard times and it was the nightmare one would expect. But see, I convinced myself that my mom wasn't fighting hard enough to see what she was doing. I convinced myself she didn't care when in reality all she spent the past few years doing was reaching out to me, except I was too busy for her.

    Too busy holding onto bullshit, too busy trying to drag myself towards my goals, too busy trying to escape my own anxiety and perpetual misery. I told myself that my mother was the one who not only showed me how weak and unprepared for adulthood I was but that she also showed me, through her actions, who I really needed to prioritize in life.

    All that sounded great in theory, but just like always, my theories, my plans fall to goddamn pieces at the first opportunity.

    I look back now and see a beautiful vibrant intelligent woman who loved me and was all but begging for help but didn't know how to ask and what she mustered to fell on deaf ears.

    When I was very small we would watch movies and tv shows and the hero would always save his mom/the girl/his family. These protagonists were plucky and under prepared, sure, but they never gave up on those that mattered to them. They never ran away to become stronger because they were too weak--they certainly never lost it all *while* they were trying to turn it all around.

    So, I failed. What I was supposed to be failed. My house failed. Our dreams failed. I mean I imagine the looks on our faces if someone went back in time to tell us how we ended up...

    I don't really need to be alive anymore, but I'm young and recently turned myself from approaching whatever-is-right-under-morbid obesity to pretty healthy/fit overall so, I likely won't be dropping dead anytime soon.

    Id do it myself, I would but here's the thing: God/the universe/whomever is pretty content to just bat me around like a goddamn chew toy...what do you think happens when that chew toy stops playing along? What do you think happens to all that targeted vitriol--do you think it just dissipates, shrugs it's metaphorical shoulders and looks for the next poor fucker to torment?

    I don't. I think it's more out of the frying pan into the fire. I think whatever the goddamn fuck decided to corrupt the uneaten remaining portion of my soul would/will be all too happy to welcome me to eternal torment. So I'm stuck here, without my mom, wishing there were a way to wipe away every fragment of my existence, soul included

    #Grief #ComplicatedGrief


    Where do I go from here? I've had so many losses the last 4 years and I just lost my therapist. I having a tough time.



    BPD & Grief & Death

    I'm having a hard time today. I lost a cousin last night. I just lost my whole original thought before I could post it so now I'm going to condense what I lost by accident. I've been attending wakes & funerals since the age of 4 when my parents died in a murder-suicide. I'll be 40 in the fall so maybe you can imagine how many I've been to over these years. For some reason losing my cousin just broke something in me. I fell into my old ways of despair & sadness. I couldn't stop the rumination & utter fear of Life & death. A horrible thought has been dawning on me. I'm going to have to bury all my loved ones & it scares the hell out of me. My problem is that I have an intense fear of being unable to do so until God takes me home. The loss of loved ones hasn't gotten easier. It's become almost unbearable. I've already made a promise that only God can take me off this Earth. I fear I won't be strong enough to make it to the end. I'm also confused as to whether my bpd is causing the intense tears or if I'm mostly trying to grieve normally? Or not? You know? I really really needed to share & I will be so grateful for any feedback. Tysm #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Suicide #Death #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #fightingforhope