complicated grief

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complicated grief
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Community Voices

Some hard answers

I lost my first military husband a very many years ago. I had questions after reading the Casulty Report which indicated all was mechanical and no one was at fault. I learned some new truths.

Warning: Possibly Triggering for Some

My husband was required to fly with his squadron’s CO. I learned new information from eyewitness that the CO had an argument with the Quality Control Chief about the aircraft he had gotten ready to take off when it had been “downed”. All of a sudden the CO and 2 crew members ran to the jet, fired it up and it was airborne “faster then a cat could lick it (behind)”, without using more than a third of the runway. The eye witness said he’d never seen that type of aircraft take to the air that quickly before. Another said the CO earlier was known to aircraft that others wouldn’t fly and would put aircraft and crew at unnecessary risk. He switched to a new crew because of it. All this was not in the report. There was problems while flying over the oceans 20 min into the flight which he reported, yet he refused to turn back, even though buried in the Casulty report the same part, dealing with the aircraft’s hydraulics and electrics downed for carrier use, at that point in flight were one of the two were in jeopardy. He continued on to destination flying over the wide expansive ocean. By the time they were 20 min from destination the radar saw them in what indicated a power dive they plummeting so fast into the deepest water in the world that the aircraft and nor debris from it or those abroad were found. The report said something catastrophic must have happened prior.

This was an aircraft that had the ability to glide 15 minutes without any power. They were 20 minutes out from being home. The weather and ocean conditions and equipment made it survivable. The search was 24/7 then called off.

I’m thankful someone tried to stop the CO. I’m upset that his choices hadn’t been curbed before. It cost 9 lives including his own, my husband, and our families having to go the rest of our lives without them. It is a terrible lose and consequences. I’ve had days after learning more about this were I felt inner panic at about 10 pm. I started rocking myself and a few days later tried tapping mostly over my heart. I don’t know what I was doing but it helped. I had one of my old nightmares return of being rejected though I know that is not true. I’ve prayed and the nightmare hasn’t come back so far. I had them on and off for ten years after my husband died, until I got counseling. I should have done that sooner. It was when they came closer and closer together that I sought help. I’m thankful for a place to type this out. Maybe it to will help me process. I don’t seem to have the words for my feelings that that panic convaded in my body.

Those others in the Squadron during that time many still reeling from those events as well. It made International news then and the only Squardon Commander to lose his life. Never do schedule before safety. Safety first, then schedule.

If you’ve read this far thank you for reading. #traumatic grief #ComplicatedGrief

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Community Voices

Friend Lost Wife to Covid. They were married for 22 years and very much in love with 3 kids. In less than 6 months he slept with another woman.

#ComplicatedGrief I am concerned that he is trying to fill a void and longing companionship. He met a woman that he is falling quickly for and wants to be exclusive and in another relationship. It’s only been 7 months to date and I am worried that he is moving too fast! Is it normal for someone who was in love and then lost so suddenly to want to move forward so quickly? It just seems kind of fast for me but he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to waste anymore time in his life bc tomorrow is not promised to us. What advice should I give or is this a normal reaction? Should the woman be concerned and demand he wait and let time heal and just be a friend to him? He genuinely looks at this woman with strong like, the chemistry is there, he is transparent, patient, loving.. he is a very good man. He said he doesn’t want to sleep around he wants to be with one woman. It just seems like 7 months is not enough time to grieve his wife whom he loved deeply or did he?

18 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Hard day

I used to love being alone, in fact I enjoyed my own company over others at times. I'm an introvert and extrovert. When I go to the store I talk to everyone. I love meeting people and hearing their story. I planned to go to a bar/restaurant that has trivia tonight. I'm not a drinker but do enjoy being around people for a limited time. Now I just want to climb into bed and cry. I heard the following on a TV show I watch "life isn't meant to be solved, sometimes it's a tragedy that you endure" (not exact) but it's tragic but somewhat true " I'm not sure I can endure it any more. #sad #Hopless #Depression #ComplicatedGrief #estranged #alienated #alone #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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Community Voices

Need to forgive myself

My 28 year old son committed suicide on thanksgiving 2019. Our last conversation was him asking me to move to NY to help him and I was so sick and told him that I promise I will be there by the 1st of the year. He responded with " that will be too late " I never thought he meant he would not be here in life. I wish I could have that memory erased from my brain. I let go of the most wonderful young man and failed him in the worst way. I can't go a day without thinking about it #ComplicatedGrief

8 people are talking about this
Community Voices

I let down and lost my mom and I'm too much of a coward to just pull the plug on this whole thing

My mom had a mental disease that warped the way she interpreted reality. As a result, she ended up pushing literally everyone away, sometimes intentionally sometimes not.

I ended up having to move in with her after falling on hard times and it was the nightmare one would expect. But see, I convinced myself that my mom wasn't fighting hard enough to see what she was doing. I convinced myself she didn't care when in reality all she spent the past few years doing was reaching out to me, except I was too busy for her.

Too busy holding onto bullshit, too busy trying to drag myself towards my goals, too busy trying to escape my own anxiety and perpetual misery. I told myself that my mother was the one who not only showed me how weak and unprepared for adulthood I was but that she also showed me, through her actions, who I really needed to prioritize in life.

All that sounded great in theory, but just like always, my theories, my plans fall to goddamn pieces at the first opportunity.

I look back now and see a beautiful vibrant intelligent woman who loved me and was all but begging for help but didn't know how to ask and what she mustered to fell on deaf ears.

When I was very small we would watch movies and tv shows and the hero would always save his mom/the girl/his family. These protagonists were plucky and under prepared, sure, but they never gave up on those that mattered to them. They never ran away to become stronger because they were too weak--they certainly never lost it all *while* they were trying to turn it all around.

So, I failed. What I was supposed to be failed. My house failed. Our dreams failed. I mean I imagine the looks on our faces if someone went back in time to tell us how we ended up...

I don't really need to be alive anymore, but I'm young and recently turned myself from approaching whatever-is-right-under-morbid obesity to pretty healthy/fit overall so, I likely won't be dropping dead anytime soon.

Id do it myself, I would but here's the thing: God/the universe/whomever is pretty content to just bat me around like a goddamn chew toy...what do you think happens when that chew toy stops playing along? What do you think happens to all that targeted vitriol--do you think it just dissipates, shrugs it's metaphorical shoulders and looks for the next poor fucker to torment?

I don't. I think it's more out of the frying pan into the fire. I think whatever the goddamn fuck decided to corrupt the uneaten remaining portion of my soul would/will be all too happy to welcome me to eternal torment. So I'm stuck here, without my mom, wishing there were a way to wipe away every fragment of my existence, soul included

#Grief #ComplicatedGrief

6 people are talking about this
Community Voices

Where do I go from here? I've had so many losses the last 4 years and I just lost my therapist. I having a tough time.

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Community Voices

BPD & Grief & Death

I'm having a hard time today. I lost a cousin last night. I just lost my whole original thought before I could post it so now I'm going to condense what I lost by accident. I've been attending wakes & funerals since the age of 4 when my parents died in a murder-suicide. I'll be 40 in the fall so maybe you can imagine how many I've been to over these years. For some reason losing my cousin just broke something in me. I fell into my old ways of despair & sadness. I couldn't stop the rumination & utter fear of Life & death. A horrible thought has been dawning on me. I'm going to have to bury all my loved ones & it scares the hell out of me. My problem is that I have an intense fear of being unable to do so until God takes me home. The loss of loved ones hasn't gotten easier. It's become almost unbearable. I've already made a promise that only God can take me off this Earth. I fear I won't be strong enough to make it to the end. I'm also confused as to whether my bpd is causing the intense tears or if I'm mostly trying to grieve normally? Or not? You know? I really really needed to share & I will be so grateful for any feedback. Tysm #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Suicide #Death #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #fightingforhope

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Community Voices

Do you believe grief is a health condition that should be diagnosed by a mental health professional?

<p>Do you believe grief is a health condition that should be diagnosed by a <a href=" health" class="tm-embed-link  tm-autolink health-map" data-id="5b23ce5800553f33fe98c3a3" data-name="mental health" title="mental health" target="_blank">mental health</a> professional?</p>
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Community Voices

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Community Voices

How long did you experience a strong grief response after a death?

<p>How long did you experience a strong grief response after a death?</p>
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