complicated grief

So, maybe a little TMI but it's relevant. I have irregular periods, always have. Also lost my boyfriend end of September. Its been 2 months since I had my last period. I guess a small hope was that there would be a child even though I have never been regular. Even though I know having a kid to hold on to some part of my boyfriend is not a reason to have a child. I know, it's a stupid thought. I have been having weird grief thoughts. Like losing it every time I find one of his long hairs or not being able to get rid of the expired food in the fridge he bought. Or not being able to reset his alarm, so it goes off at 5:50 am Monday through Friday.

My mind skips around like an old recorder
Scratches at each jump between
Times when I think I’ve settled on an answer
For what might seem a simple question
If it weren’t loaded

If I sleep with this keepsake tonight
Will holding it close to my chest
End up breaking it apart more later
Just like our first to last of five months in this home
Except boxes are, already, packed to leave
And one of two of us already left completely

I’m not sure what happpened to the you I got to see one last time
It was just four or five hours
But you were “back”,
You were “alive”
And you were kind
And I had missed you so
But that’s not why the tears streamed down my face
It was bc I knew the you that you’d replace
Would be the you that killed who you really were
And all we could have been
We wanted so much more
Than “could have beens”

I’m sorry I had to make the call
When just days before, you had kissed my face
But the Black Eyes returned within only days
And just like that,
The man I loved was replaced
With a punishing parent
From a patterned past
Don’t you know there’s a reason
Only Jesus should attempt to raise the dead

Black Eyes moved toward
And swiftly fell upon me
3 digits and a screen had to intervene
But they could only save me
And that night I felt the loss of death
There was nothing left in your eyes

May Jesus raise you up like Lazarus
May the One who is outside the bounds of
Space and Time and Death
Reunite us again
When we are ready

#BPD #Splitting #codependence #Loss #ComplicatedGrief

I never thought I would have to grieve our so much. As a child I thought grief was for when someone died. As an adult I know it's so much more! I grieve for the future success in my career, for the children O can't have, for the things I cannot do, for the family I have lost, for time I have lost, for the childhood I never had. The list is much longer than that! So much longer! Chronic Illness and Abuse steals so much from a person. #abusesurvivor #CPTSD #PTSD #arthymias #Anxiety #Depression #treatmentresitantdepression #HypermobilitySyndrome #PsoriaticArthritis #spondylarthritis #methylationissues #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #StagesOfGrief

#ComplicatedGrief I am concerned that he is trying to fill a void and longing companionship. He met a woman that he is falling quickly for and wants to be exclusive and in another relationship. It’s only been 7 months to date and I am worried that he is moving too fast! Is it normal for someone who was in love and then lost so suddenly to want to move forward so quickly? It just seems kind of fast for me but he keeps saying that he doesn’t want to waste anymore time in his life bc tomorrow is not promised to us. What advice should I give or is this a normal reaction? Should the woman be concerned and demand he wait and let time heal and just be a friend to him? He genuinely looks at this woman with strong like, the chemistry is there, he is transparent, patient, loving.. he is a very good man. He said he doesn’t want to sleep around he wants to be with one woman. It just seems like 7 months is not enough time to grieve his wife whom he loved deeply or did he?

I used to love being alone, in fact I enjoyed my own company over others at times. I'm an introvert and extrovert. When I go to the store I talk to everyone. I love meeting people and hearing their story. I planned to go to a bar/restaurant that has trivia tonight. I'm not a drinker but do enjoy being around people for a limited time. Now I just want to climb into bed and cry. I heard the following on a TV show I watch "life isn't meant to be solved, sometimes it's a tragedy that you endure" (not exact) but it's tragic but somewhat true " I'm not sure I can endure it any more. #sad #Hopless #Depression #ComplicatedGrief #estranged #alienated #alone #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

My 28 year old son committed suicide on thanksgiving 2019. Our last conversation was him asking me to move to NY to help him and I was so sick and told him that I promise I will be there by the 1st of the year. He responded with " that will be too late " I never thought he meant he would not be here in life. I wish I could have that memory erased from my brain. I let go of the most wonderful young man and failed him in the worst way. I can't go a day without thinking about it #ComplicatedGrief

My mom had a mental disease that warped the way she interpreted reality. As a result, she ended up pushing literally everyone away, sometimes intentionally sometimes not.

I ended up having to move in with her after falling on hard times and it was the nightmare one would expect. But see, I convinced myself that my mom wasn't fighting hard enough to see what she was doing. I convinced myself she didn't care when in reality all she spent the past few years doing was reaching out to me, except I was too busy for her.

Too busy holding onto bullshit, too busy trying to drag myself towards my goals, too busy trying to escape my own anxiety and perpetual misery. I told myself that my mother was the one who not only showed me how weak and unprepared for adulthood I was but that she also showed me, through her actions, who I really needed to prioritize in life.

All that sounded great in theory, but just like always, my theories, my plans fall to goddamn pieces at the first opportunity.

I look back now and see a beautiful vibrant intelligent woman who loved me and was all but begging for help but didn't know how to ask and what she mustered to fell on deaf ears.

When I was very small we would watch movies and tv shows and the hero would always save his mom/the girl/his family. These protagonists were plucky and under prepared, sure, but they never gave up on those that mattered to them. They never ran away to become stronger because they were too weak--they certainly never lost it all *while* they were trying to turn it all around.

So, I failed. What I was supposed to be failed. My house failed. Our dreams failed. I mean I imagine the looks on our faces if someone went back in time to tell us how we ended up...

I don't really need to be alive anymore, but I'm young and recently turned myself from approaching whatever-is-right-under-morbid obesity to pretty healthy/fit overall so, I likely won't be dropping dead anytime soon.

Id do it myself, I would but here's the thing: God/the universe/whomever is pretty content to just bat me around like a goddamn chew toy...what do you think happens when that chew toy stops playing along? What do you think happens to all that targeted vitriol--do you think it just dissipates, shrugs it's metaphorical shoulders and looks for the next poor fucker to torment?

I don't. I think it's more out of the frying pan into the fire. I think whatever the goddamn fuck decided to corrupt the uneaten remaining portion of my soul would/will be all too happy to welcome me to eternal torment. So I'm stuck here, without my mom, wishing there were a way to wipe away every fragment of my existence, soul included

#Grief #ComplicatedGrief

#ComplicatedGrief

I'm having a hard time today. I lost a cousin last night. I just lost my whole original thought before I could post it so now I'm going to condense what I lost by accident. I've been attending wakes & funerals since the age of 4 when my parents died in a murder-suicide. I'll be 40 in the fall so maybe you can imagine how many I've been to over these years. For some reason losing my cousin just broke something in me. I fell into my old ways of despair & sadness. I couldn't stop the rumination & utter fear of Life & death. A horrible thought has been dawning on me. I'm going to have to bury all my loved ones & it scares the hell out of me. My problem is that I have an intense fear of being unable to do so until God takes me home. The loss of loved ones hasn't gotten easier. It's become almost unbearable. I've already made a promise that only God can take me off this Earth. I fear I won't be strong enough to make it to the end. I'm also confused as to whether my bpd is causing the intense tears or if I'm mostly trying to grieve normally? Or not? You know? I really really needed to share & I will be so grateful for any feedback. Tysm #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Suicide #Death #Grief #ComplicatedGrief #fightingforhope