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    Death of a parent and BPD

    just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. My mother unexpectedly passed away and I unfortunately found her. I'm not even sure how I've been able to stay as calm as I have & handle this time. #Loss #Death #mom #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #howdoyoucope

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    January is 10 Days In!

    Hello Everyone.
    Welcome to another episode of #WhatOnEarthIsHappening ! 🤣

    My emotions nose dived today like as if I was flying in an air plane circus show. #emotional time periods are not the best times, but they can be #Valuable when we have #Anxiety . I started to #think about all of these things that I have experienced so far since my father had died in March 2022.

    When my #Dad passed away... I lost my favorite pain in the @$$. I was his favorite too. I #Love and #MISS my Dad so much. #Death is not an easy thing to #handle . But while I was #dealing with the #Lose of my Dad, I had them lost my job right after coming down with a terrible #illness .

    It was a nightmare for me how I #lost my #Job and my #daddy all in such a short time span. I haven't found another job since because I have not mentally been #prepared for #MentalHealth is something that needed to be worked on as I am still #grieving over my father and my job.

    So... Here I am... #RidingTheWaves that come in and out in my mind. Sometimes I just need to #RollWithIt and do what I need to do in the best way I can,.. even if it isn't my usual best. #Trying is better than #denying and #Procrastinating .

    I must start small.
    If I want a #Job ... I should try a small part time job somewhere. Maybe a retail job.. but.. even #Retail can be #stressful these days. It's getting #worse now that #AnxietyDisorder is getting stronger or more intense with me. But I will do my #best to #KeepWalking onward.

    Do you have any words of encouragement for me?

    #BipolarDisorder
    #AnxietyDisorder
    #PanicDisorder
    #Parentloss
    #Jobloss
    #PTSD
    #PMDD
    #strength

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    Competitive Sport

    By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

    It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

    I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

    If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

    There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

    My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

    It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

    My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

    It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

    In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

    #self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

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    Intrusive thoughts which infect the mind

    I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

    When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

    The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

    It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

    I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

    This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

    I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

    EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

    #Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

    10 reactions 6 comments
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    Nightmares and sleep deprivation

    When I was a child, I've always had troubles falling asleep. Because my mind was fully awake, when very young, but then mostly because of stuff I was deadly afraid of. When I managed to, I had very vivid nightmares and used to wake up a lot during the night, having troubles falling asleep again.

    Each time I got in bed, I started trying not to fall asleep, because bad things would have occured if I wasn't there awake and aware, in order to acknowledge anything that was happening in the house.

    I now fall asleep more easily, but I remember having only one nice dream; each night I have at least one nightmare, usually up to many more.

    The nightmares are generally about threats or issues I should escape safe from or disturbing stuff in general. They're very long and articulated, implying plots and including a lot of details.

    When I wake up, if my attention isn't suddenly drawn to something else, the dreams usually follow me during the day and it takes a big part of it for them and their effects to vanish away.

    If there's anyone interested in sharing some thoughts about this, I'd be happy to.

    It can be very stressful and I haven't slept well in ages. I'd like to find a key to understand this or simply tips to try and see if they could help me.

    Anyone who can relate?

    #Nightmares #SleepDeprivation #Sleep #sleeppattern #sleepissue #Insomnia #Paranoia #threats #dreams #fallingasleep #thirst #Stress #overthinking #worstcasescenarios #Fear #sleepdisorder #OCD #Anxiety #Obsession #Death #obsessivethoughts

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    Let The Bad Times Roll

    “The good times hide and so do I

    Out of my control I dig a hole

    If that's all the time that you got

    Then I'd rather not waste my life on hold

    I'm gonna let the bad times roll.”

    ~Paul Westerberg

    I love the movie Catch & Release because a) Jen Gardner, b) Jen Gardner, and c) it’s ultimately a feel good movie that touches on some heavy issues like death, depression, and how family should be defined.

    **SPOILER ALERT**

    Family is simply who and what WE choose to make for ourselves. In my experience, it is most often those least deserving of our trust who would try convince you otherwise.

    But, back to the movie…

    I discovered this song from the soundtrack and thought it would make for an apt Chronic Illness Anthem. Because as much as I’d like to trade in my body for an upgrade, I would not give up the wisdom being ill has bestowed upon me.

    Like knowing who is worthy of being called my family. And that sometimes, despite our hopes and best efforts, we just have to let the bad times roll—and not live our lives on hold.

    What are your Spoonie Anthem contenders?

    #Music #MightyMoment  #MightyMoment #musicsoothesthesoul   #MusicIsSavingMyLife #Movies  #Depression  #Death  #ChronicIllness #Spoonie #anthem

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    Life can be short, life can be fragile and fleeting, yet life is a blessing, and those whose lives are taken from us leave us memories that cannot die

    I just heard some difficult news. A dear friend who I know has been struggling fighting serious health problems just told me they have a limited time left to live. It has reminded me how precious life is, how beautiful life is, how short lives can be, how fleeting our good health can be and how unfair life can be. As loved ones become ill and their health diminishes those of us close to them can feel helpless and just wish there was something we could do to lessen their pain, to alleviate their suffering, to concoct some sort of magic potion, a panacea to bring them back to good health and lengthen their lives back to that we once thought they had left.

    But there is often nothing we can say that will help as much as we would like, despite our wanting to make a difference there is nothing we can do to change things and turn fate around, nothing we can offer to help alleviate their pain and suffering and nothing we can offer their family and friends to help cushion the blow.

    As I heard the news of my friend’s declining health I was deeply saddened. They are young and can appear so vibrant and healthy, so strong and spirited …but I have known the truth, known their days were numbered…however I thought they had years to live, instead they just told me it is months, even weeks or days.

    I just want to give them a big, deep, comforting, loving hug … but alas, life has them hours away. Life that is so fleeting for them has us separated by space that a hug can’t travel. It's just a virtual hug that I can offer. It’s a lot, but sadly I feel like it’s not enough.

    I can only send my love and support through words. Yet I know this can make a difference. I know from first hand experience that thoughts and prayers can travel through a phone call, cyberspace and through intention and belief…but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. It just doesn’t seem fair. It seems like there is a void that cannot be filled.

    So I will keep them in my thoughts and prayers. Those words can seem hollow and often insignificant because they are shared so often that they don’t seem to mean enough anymore… but I will think about them a lot, I will pray for them, I will send my blessings that they don’t suffer, that they are not in pain, that they can enjoy every moment left in their life, that their joy and spirit will give them strength to live their remaining life to its fullest as much as they can.

    I will deeply mourn the loss of this friend, I will mourn the loss of a young life cut short, I will mourn someone I will not be able to hug… but I also know that they would want me to celebrate their life, celebrate the joy and exuberance they lived that life with, celebrate all the ways they touched others and made a difference in our lives. I will celebrate them, celebrate life … even if it can be short. I will celebrate their spirit and the memories that cannot be taken away. That part of their life is left with us all …forever!

    #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #Disability #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #Selflove #Selfcare #PTSD #COVID19 #Migraine #Headache #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #Bipolar1Disorder #BipolarDepression #Addiction #AddictionRecovery #HIVAIDS #longtermsurvivor #RareDisease #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #ADHD #Fibromyalgia #Cancer #IfYouFeelHopeless #Hope #relief #Joy #happy #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MightyMinute #mentalhealthwarrior #Grief #LossOfAParent #LossOfAChild #ChildLoss #Death #Mourning #sad #worry #Fear

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    Horrendous nights and the fragility of life…

    I just returned from my friends house late last night. Her friend Pete was an alcoholic, and a diabetic. I don’t know medically what happened.? He was 74, he died a month shy of his 75th B’day. Perhaps he had a heart attack? Perhaps he had his meds and was drinking (as he did every night) and the two things together killed him? It was just a very bizarre situation.
    My friend went to take a friend to work. She came home and found thd room mate Pete, passed out on a small book case in the living room. She thought he was drunk, and passed out! If was a normal occurrence for her to see him like that. She tried to revive him. She couldn’t get him up after shaking him etc…She tried to get him up! The paramedics came. They worked on him 40 to 45 minutes trying to revive him. Pete died! I came home after someone came from the funeral home came to take Pete. Originally, the coroner or medical examiner was to come. I guess the officers and paramedics decided he died of natural causes? So now I’m worried, concerned for my friend, who’s a senior and has no way of paying her own rent..For 9 years she’s been living with Pete, in a platonic relationship. I think they had a codependency going because of their age and medical stuff.? I don’t know what to do for my friend. I will have to research. She’s still working, now she has his two dogs, a cat, and a love bird…The situation is also bad because they were horders. I tried for several years to help set her up in a rental, her own place. She kept saying she was going to go, yet she didn’t! This man was an alcoholic.It’s just a mess..#Insomnia #Addiction #Death

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    Code Blue #Depression #Anxiety #Emergency #Death #Surgery #Hope #PTSD #MentalHealth

    It’s been a momentous day. I was scheduled for the second surgery this morning when my blood pressure suddenly dropped, my eyes apparently rolled back into my head but before I lost consciousness I heard a nurse yell code blue and yelling she needed help. I am not if it was fortunate or unfortunate but My Wife and Daughter were in the room. They told me a few minutes ago there were in excess of 12 people in the room and they were all focused on their one task.

    I came conscious a few times but not enough to fully comprehend what was happening. I knew it was very serious because I heard them say I had lost many litres of blood and they were charging cardiac paddles.

    After an hour apparently I was stable enough to go to theatre for the second surgery. The very good news is there was only a small piece of leg tissue that has died and had to be cut off.

    I have wounds from knee to ankle that they have not been closed yet. A plastic surgeon does that in 3 days to ensure they don’t close any infection in. Then surgery 4 and 5 to do the other side of the leg.

    My family doesn’t know that I was aware about the code blue. I won’t tell them. It must have been terrifying for them. I wasn’t bothered. I didn’t want to die like that, it would have been awful for them but dying doesn’t bother me. I am in no pain because of IV pain medication. I am so grateful for doctors who were not only very skilled but so caring.

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