death

My granny passed away today.

Life really is too short. I've been told this a million times but I finally realize that it's beyond true. Someone I knew well and did pageants with is gone. She was 18. She had just started college with a softball scholarship. I've been crying. Why her? Makes me second-guess how long we TRULY have to live. She is so beautiful #Grief #Death

“And about the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani? (“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)”
- Matthew 27:46
When we think of Jesus coming down to experience humanity- we think of Him bearing sin, physical afflictions, and experiencing the unpleasantness of humanity. We usually don’t have the thought cross our mind that He experienced wild bewilderment and heartache, like we do. “Because he is God’s Son, because he is One with Him and therefor has no questions”.
Oh. But that isn’t how it went.
You know that feeling when the very thing you prayed for, worked for, and believed for us taken from you? Where you are so angry, lost, and confused that you don’t know what to think anymore? The huge weight on your chest that almost snuffs out your flickering life?
He experienced that.
He understands our humanity. Our doubts and fears. Our questions of “How could God possibly..??”.
Let’s not let the guise or religion pull the wool over our eyes. Jesus became one of us. In all things, except sin. He became that for us.
What love.
So please. Don’t let condemnation drag you down as you feel the edges of the blade that cut you- it’s ok to wonder, and not know. It’s ok to cry and feel alone. Nothing is wrong with you. Jesus knows.
-from my Little Cathedral in the Kitchen, Sunday 2023 #Depression #Anxiety #Death #Cancers #AnorexiaNervosa

So to get this over with. My grandfather died from causes. I saw him suffer for a long time. I was upset then and I was even more upset now. My bad moods come in waves. One day I'm alright while other days I'm depressed. Even more of a curse, my grandparents live across the street do you know what that means? Constant reminders! My whole life is filled with them. The reminders hurt. Heck having to run errands for my still alive grandmother makes me upset. Birthdays and other family gatherings suck! Like there's a piece missing and your like "oh yeah" and feel like garbage! I get time heals but it's not healing fast enough! I want to heal sooner! I feel like it's getting worse. I feel lonely and I'm even as far as to not want to see family as they are this one huge reminder about what's making me depressed. I need support. #Grief #Anxiety #Autism #Depression #reminders #Death #Mourn #Mourning

I’m getting my pit bull wes put down I’m not handling it well I’d love some help itd mean the world to me so please leave a comment on my post it would mean a lot I’m going through a lot rn.

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone