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Bathing in regret 22-05-24

I find it hard some nights, nights that I’m alone. Actually I’m always alone in this three bedroom house, that’s far too large for me and my three cats.

my uncle died here, two years ago. Of his own choice leaving it to me. I too died here, or was left to die here rather, about a month after his death, in the raging heat of Florida summer I fell ill, very ill. Some would speculate the planets aligned that week, the AC went out, merely a fan. But I was left alone sick for three to four days, a fever raged. Eventually becoming fever drunk I attempted to plea for help, my texts were just a garbled mess, my wife at the time left for her moms we had issues leading up to this, but she didn’t want to be home in the heat, well i suppose who could blame her? But by the same token, she was a nurse, her husband gravely sick with a fever of up to 102 when he finally succumbed to heatstroke. No one came for him another day. Time blurred after I hit the floor. I remember total helplessness and confusion for the first time in my life.

i didn’t have any sense or strength left in me to crawl into a cold shower and pray to whatever god may be listening at the time.

All I could manage according to the police report was to curl up naked in a ball tucked away in the corner foaming from the mouth. I don’t remember that, apparently I fought with trauma staff at the hospital not realizing where I was or who they were, heatstroke had taken hold on me.

I had found out what it truly feels like to die alone, scared, confused, in between blackouts and moments of sanity, quickly whisked away by the blistering heat.

i didn’t have enough sense or energy to get to the kitchen for water. And no one to offer a cold compress or comfort.

And on the fourth day of hearing nothing from her sick husband who was left with a fever in a extremely hot house, she came to the rescue, perhaps almost in performance, she’d brought several people with her. Why? I would have to guess witnesses. It’s a strong accusation to make to leave someone to die heartlessly. However once I recovered slightly during my year stay in hospital I accessed our home security system. And found she’d logged in over the course of that week, she’d have seen me stumbling, falling down.

she’d logged in a two hours before my body was found motionless in the corner.

she could have called 911 days ago, but she didn’t.

And just when you thought I was dead you played hero as I learned quickly about your past.

They say that it’s unhealthy to hold grudges, but if you separate the bonds we had.

A sick individual leaving an another individual to die like that suffering in an overheated house. Is a incredibly sick individual.

while I don’t regret the loss of this person in my life, I do miss my uncle greatly, this house and everything that happened in it wears on me.

I never sleep well enough. But I’m almost learning to enjoy the abuse of being alone of being lonely.

of looking forward to what is next in the next life.

for those wondering I was only dead about a minute the second time a minute and a half.

I don’t remember much no tunnel no light, no angels or devils. Just nothingness.

the third close call with my final shot though I do remember seeing a large crow or what I thought was a crow, I was actually speaking with him as if we were in the room together, I was told later by a nurse, many times she’s heard of people seeing animals or people they have lost, she mentioned that those people typically end up passing a week after seeing them.

that was a tense week In the hospital. Probably four months into my stay.#sad #Death #deprivation #Depression

17 reactions 6 comments

Life is too short

Life really is too short. I've been told this a million times but I finally realize that it's beyond true. Someone I knew well and did pageants with is gone. She was 18. She had just started college with a softball scholarship. I've been crying. Why her? Makes me second-guess how long we TRULY have to live. She is so beautiful #Grief #Death

1 reaction 2 comments

Does God know my pain? Really?

“And about the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani? (“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)”
- Matthew 27:46
When we think of Jesus coming down to experience humanity- we think of Him bearing sin, physical afflictions, and experiencing the unpleasantness of humanity. We usually don’t have the thought cross our mind that He experienced wild bewilderment and heartache, like we do. “Because he is God’s Son, because he is One with Him and therefor has no questions”.
Oh. But that isn’t how it went.
You know that feeling when the very thing you prayed for, worked for, and believed for us taken from you? Where you are so angry, lost, and confused that you don’t know what to think anymore? The huge weight on your chest that almost snuffs out your flickering life?
He experienced that.
He understands our humanity. Our doubts and fears. Our questions of “How could God possibly..??”.
Let’s not let the guise or religion pull the wool over our eyes. Jesus became one of us. In all things, except sin. He became that for us.
What love.
So please. Don’t let condemnation drag you down as you feel the edges of the blade that cut you- it’s ok to wonder, and not know. It’s ok to cry and feel alone. Nothing is wrong with you. Jesus knows.
-from my Little Cathedral in the Kitchen, Sunday 2023 #Depression #Anxiety #Death #Cancers #AnorexiaNervosa

27 reactions 11 comments

Can somebody help me out with greif? I lost my grandfather a few months ago and I cannot seem to be getting better.

So to get this over with. My grandfather died from causes. I saw him suffer for a long time. I was upset then and I was even more upset now. My bad moods come in waves. One day I'm alright while other days I'm depressed. Even more of a curse, my grandparents live across the street do you know what that means? Constant reminders! My whole life is filled with them. The reminders hurt. Heck having to run errands for my still alive grandmother makes me upset. Birthdays and other family gatherings suck! Like there's a piece missing and your like "oh yeah" and feel like garbage! I get time heals but it's not healing fast enough! I want to heal sooner! I feel like it's getting worse. I feel lonely and I'm even as far as to not want to see family as they are this one huge reminder about what's making me depressed. I need support. #Grief #Anxiety #Autism #Depression #reminders #Death #Mourn #Mourning

46 reactions 19 comments

Just came to me. I'm in no way minimizing our pain. I know firsthand the excruciating pain we feel. In 3rd world countries, ppl are dying of starvation, no clean water, and water-borne diseases caused by it. It's good to remember that. #TheMighty #MightyTogether #Perspective #Pain #physical #Death

7 reactions 3 comments

Getting my dog put down #Death #TherapyDog

I’m getting my pit bull wes put down I’m not handling it well I’d love some help itd mean the world to me so please leave a comment on my post it would mean a lot I’m going through a lot rn.

1 comment
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The beauty of dying #Relationships #FamilyAndFriends #dying #Death #Hope #Faith #Christianity #MentalHealth

I am at a palliative care unit with a lady from church. I don’t think she will see another day out. It is such a privilege to be with someone when their life journey is ending. Trivial things don’t matter and what does matter is crystal clear.

The nurses are amazing and so gentle. It’s time for this dear warrior to relax into the arms of Jesus. No more pain. No disappointment. She has run her race with dignity.

28 reactions 7 comments
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Death of a parent and BPD

just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. My mother unexpectedly passed away and I unfortunately found her. I'm not even sure how I've been able to stay as calm as I have & handle this time. #Loss #Death #mom #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #howdoyoucope

6 reactions 4 comments
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January is 10 Days In!

Hello Everyone.
Welcome to another episode of #WhatOnEarthIsHappening ! 🤣

My emotions nose dived today like as if I was flying in an air plane circus show. #emotional time periods are not the best times, but they can be #Valuable when we have #Anxiety . I started to #think about all of these things that I have experienced so far since my father had died in March 2022.

When my #Dad passed away... I lost my favorite pain in the @$$. I was his favorite too. I #Love and #MISS my Dad so much. #Death is not an easy thing to #handle . But while I was #dealing with the #Lose of my Dad, I had them lost my job right after coming down with a terrible #illness .

It was a nightmare for me how I #lost my #Job and my #daddy all in such a short time span. I haven't found another job since because I have not mentally been #prepared for #MentalHealth is something that needed to be worked on as I am still #grieving over my father and my job.

So... Here I am... #RidingTheWaves that come in and out in my mind. Sometimes I just need to #RollWithIt and do what I need to do in the best way I can,.. even if it isn't my usual best. #Trying is better than #denying and #Procrastinating .

I must start small.
If I want a #Job ... I should try a small part time job somewhere. Maybe a retail job.. but.. even #Retail can be #stressful these days. It's getting #worse now that #AnxietyDisorder is getting stronger or more intense with me. But I will do my #best to #KeepWalking onward.

Do you have any words of encouragement for me?


10 reactions 2 comments