death

I have so many feelings today. My life is equal parts peace and chaos right now.

I am currently one of five caretakers to a dying elder. She’s my friend, adopted mom in Ohio, since my own is in Texas. Technically, she’s my daughter in laws grandmother but my heart doesn’t care or know the difference. She’s family, and I love her.

She was diagnosed with cancer in August of last year. She started hospice last week. Small cell lung cancer which has metastasized to her brain, bones, etc. We thought we were going to lose her last week after she contracted a stomach bug, but she made her way back.

I don’t know if this is her “rally” or if she’s just bouncing back for a rally later down the line. All I know is we don’t have much more time. I just want her to make it to her birthday weekend in ten days, so she can see her sister who’s flying in and be with all her family in the nice weather. That’s my final wish for her.

I’ve never actively been involved in a human’s dying process, but as a widow, I am a close personal friend of death and grief. I’ve had so much practice it’s almost funny. Almost.

I’ve been reading a book by Suzanne O’Brien (former oncology, hospice nurse turned author and creator of Doulagivers Institute) called The Good Death. Hoping it will help support me and help me navigate uncharted territory while offering support to both her and her family. It’s been helpful and eye opening. Practical and comforting.

In the meantime, a friend of mine posted about watching a show (based on a true story) called “Dying for Sex” on Hulu. I actually had it on my playlist to watch. When she posed the questions about sharing what we thought after watching it, that prompted me to bump it up on my watch list.

Last night after a twelve-hour sitting, (while working my regular day job, remotely) I was struggling with winding down. I decided it was a good time to watch the show. Of course I binged it until the wee hours, because it’s that good. Seriously.

This is what I wrote her as my “feedback” about the show.

“I don't know if I even have proper adjectives available to explain the profoundness of this show. The million taboo and raging topics it slashed through or the generations of emotions I am still going through but, Wow! As I am in the middle of taking care of my “Ohio” momma & friend who is currently in hospice with bone cancer, just Wow! I'm healing and being broken and angry and sad and joyful and contracted and expanded all at once. It wasn't a show. It was my life....so many of our lives... crashing together against the stars.” - I will never be the same.

Watch it., so you'll never be the same either. #Cancer #Caregiver #Death #Therapy #Grief

Tomorrow marks three weeks since I lost Radio, my younger cat. And I thought I succeeded in finding a new kitten. His name is Joey and he is a bundle of joy, energy and love. I care for him and enjoy snuggles at night however I think I moved to quickly and felt pressured into adopting a new kitten this past weekend. I don’t necessarily regret my choice but am still dealing with a lot of grief over Radio’s sudden and unexpected death.

#Death #CheckInWithMe #MajorDepressiveDisorder

I find it hard some nights, nights that I’m alone. Actually I’m always alone in this three bedroom house, that’s far too large for me and my three cats.

my uncle died here, two years ago. Of his own choice leaving it to me. I too died here, or was left to die here rather, about a month after his death, in the raging heat of Florida summer I fell ill, very ill. Some would speculate the planets aligned that week, the AC went out, merely a fan. But I was left alone sick for three to four days, a fever raged. Eventually becoming fever drunk I attempted to plea for help, my texts were just a garbled mess, my wife at the time left for her moms we had issues leading up to this, but she didn’t want to be home in the heat, well i suppose who could blame her? But by the same token, she was a nurse, her husband gravely sick with a fever of 101.0.0.5 up to 102 when he finally succumbed to heatstroke. No one came for him another day. Time blurred after I hit the floor. I remember total helplessness and confusion for the first time in my life.

i didn’t have any sense or strength left in me to crawl into a cold shower and pray to whatever god may be listening at the time.

All I could manage according to the police report was to curl up naked in a ball tucked away in the corner foaming from the mouth. I don’t remember that, apparently I fought with trauma staff at the hospital not realizing where I was or who they were, heatstroke had taken hold on me.

I had found out what it truly feels like to die alone, scared, confused, in between blackouts and moments of sanity, quickly whisked away by the blistering heat.

i didn’t have enough sense or energy to get to the kitchen for water. And no one to offer a cold compress or comfort.

And on the fourth day of hearing nothing from her sick husband who was left with a fever in a extremely hot house, she came to the rescue, perhaps almost in performance, she’d brought several people with her. Why? I would have to guess witnesses. It’s a strong accusation to make to leave someone to die heartlessly. However once I recovered slightly during my year stay in hospital I accessed our home security system. And found she’d logged in over the course of that week, she’d have seen me stumbling, falling down.

she’d logged in a two hours before my body was found motionless in the corner.

she could have called 911 days ago, but she didn’t.

And just when you thought I was dead you played hero as I learned quickly about your past.

They say that it’s unhealthy to hold grudges, but if you separate the bonds we had.

A sick individual leaving an another individual to die like that suffering in an overheated house. Is a incredibly sick individual.

while I don’t regret the loss of this person in my life, I do miss my uncle greatly, this house and everything that happened in it wears on me.

I never sleep well enough. But I’m almost learning to enjoy the abuse of being alone of being lonely.

of looking forward to what is next in the next life.

for those wondering I was only dead about a minute the second time a minute and a half.

I don’t remember much no tunnel no light, no angels or devils. Just nothingness.

the third close call with my final shot though I do remember seeing a large crow or what I thought was a crow, I was actually speaking with him as if we were in the room together, I was told later by a nurse, many times she’s heard of people seeing animals or people they have lost, she mentioned that those people typically end up passing a week after seeing them.

that was a tense week In the hospital. Probably four months into my stay.#sad #Death #deprivation #Depression