findinghope

Do you know, Mi Amor, just how much I desire a mundane life—a life with you, sweet, lasting, and romantic? Regret was indeed a roadblock toward the goal of my life, one of immense and overwhelming sorrow. This is purely the second time. I cried in regret... and I am puzzled—just how much did I think during my first try at dying?

The first time, I came home from school with cold determination to die. Death seemed like an escape, and I longed for it dearly. I hated myself, and I wanted to get away from it all. The determination was pure, calculative even. You know how scared I was, letting everybody see through my cover of lies. I am scared—very scared—even now. I don't want them to know; I never wanted them to, ever. I hate my life so much.

As I write this, my suicidal thoughts arise again. The one leading them is my fear, and yet I am not scared. I was never scared—not of my suicidal thoughts. But I am indeed terrified of people seeing through my lies. I don’t want them to see what lies beyond this dense haze. I feel so alone. I don’t see you standing by my side. Why did you never stay with me? You know that the entirety of what I consider my world seems to stand against me. They will never accept me for who I am. They would scoff at my dreams.

You know, my love, just how much I desire you. Come into my life, erase my worries, and soothe my fear. Be the death of me if you must—but whisk me away with you.

My baby.

My baby.

You’re my baby. Say it to me. Say it to me: “Baby, you’re my baby.”

Tell your babies, “I’m your baby.”

I bet on losing dogs. I’ve known they’re losing, and I’ve paid my price.

Amongst the things I know about you, there is one thing—just one—that scares me. If somebody loves you, you destroy them until they can ask for help from no one... except you. It’s terrifying for me. It seems like you’ve already done it. Those to whom I can turn seem oblivious, or perhaps they too know the blunder I’ve made. All my hopes are pinned on you.

Save me, my dearest eternal love. #MentalHealth oveAndLoss #healingjourney #UnspokenThoughts #desperation #findinghope #innerturmoil

I am 57 and have had serious health problems all my life. I have always been very health conscious, and yet I've had breast cancer, had endometrial cancer, have severe endocrine problems, and several of my internal organs are starting to fail.

I was never able to have children, and was never able to get a carrier established. I have done a lot of scientific and nonfiction writing, but have not been able to get much of it published.

After a recent hospitalization for acute renal failure, I worry that I don't have much time left. I want to find some way to make my remaining time meaningful.

The idea of dying after a meaningless life full of suffering bothers me much more than the thought that I am running out of time -- I really don't want more time if it will just mean more suffering, no ability to do the things I want, and nothing accomplished.

I am looking for people in similar situations to talk to -- I really don't know anyone else in this situation. My cancer problems are now under control, and I haven't found support groups for people with my other problems. Please help me connect with others facing similar things!
#endoflife #lackofmeaning #findinghope #findingmeaning