How I Manage My Triggers When Parenting

My wife sent me a parenting video — this one feels more familiar than the rest. The clip shows a toddler perseverating and crying from her back row car seat. Destini Ann, the mom, has pulled over to help her 3-year-old daughter, Phee, regulate her emotions. According to the Instagram post’s caption, whining and crying are triggering for Destini Ann. But you wouldn’t know by the deescalating skills she uses with her toddler. Practice has paid off.

Free of her car seat buckle, with pink bows atop her twists, Phee climbs to the vehicle’s front seat. She’s met with empathy, patience and chocolate chip muffins. Seconds later, after a misunderstanding another tantrum ensues. What’s next are tears, empathy and a master class in redirection.

I watch the video a few times. I’m hooked and wondering how different my own childhood would have been had I, during those years of growing pains and skinned knees, been met with firm, but gentle, correction and loving words. While I am thankful for every bedtime prayer and meal on my table, some things should have never ever happened.

My early years were full of several types of abuse. Nothing matched the verbal variety of attacks. I endured insults on my body, my intellect and my inability to be perfect. Raised by a village, it wasn’t all bad, but when it rained, I drowned. I internalized that failure, assertiveness and honesty were dangerous. I became skilled at swallowing my words, suppressing my emotions and stopping mid-cry so my punishment wouldn’t become more severe. If you can’t feel safe around the people who raise you, who can you feel safe with?

I was made to feel small and eventually grow into a highly anxious and sensitive person. Someone afraid of their own shadow, because standing out wasn’t safe.

Fortunately, I’ve come a mighty long way with managing my anxiety and PTSD, unlearning shame and setting healthy boundaries. My healing journey is important to me, especially as a Black man, because it’s allowed me to be close to the people I love. I value family above everything. So, my wife and I have worked to identify our own triggers. And, as someone who’s struggled with abandonment issues, one of my biggest triggers is being ignored.

It took a while for me to learn this, but I eventually realized our daughter is in another world when she’s learning a new song. She’ll sit, stare at nothing in particular and be completely oblivious to anything happening around her. I’ve called her name on many occasions to share that it’s time to eat, have her diaper changed, or go outside, and still, no response. In hindsight, she was caught up in a praise and worship song, or enthralled in a new nursery rhyme, but all I saw was disrespect. I’d feel upset and frustrated. My face, hot and my neck, tight.

Yes, a child can take you there.

According to clinical psychologist and parenting coach, Lara Markham, “A trigger is anything you experience in the present moment that activates a feeling from the past…we then act in a way that’s not in keeping with the present.”

Some examples include your child: screaming, spilling food or liquids on clothes/floors, whining, pushing, scratching, backtalking or crying. Some parents might get angry when they see their child struggling to learn something new: What if they never learn X skill? Oh no! Truly, it doesn’t take much for our catastrophizing to set in. And, whatever sets us off, can cause us to spiral, isolate, and/or overreact.

But, the story doesn’t have to end there. We can own our emotions, get real with our limitations and unpack the stories we tell ourselves about how we parent and about how our children behave.

Here are three ways to manage triggers as a parent:

1. Name your triggers. The best time to do this is outside of a crisis or tantrum. For me, I’m learning to reflect back on how I comforted (or didn’t comfort) my daughter. I ask myself, “How did I make her feel safe, seen, and heard?” and “What did I do that clearly didn’t help the situation?”
2. Be empathetic. A few weeks ago, our daughter was sick, and I became more and more frustrated when trying to clean out her nose, because she wouldn’t stay still. Saline solution and mucus were everywhere, and, in my pettiness, I was convinced she just wanted to be miserable. At some point I realized that I wouldn’t want someone trying to suction my nose, especially if I already couldn’t breathe well. So, why would she? When I think of my child as someone who has agency, freedom and the ability to make decisions, I’m able to better manage my emotions and comfort her with empathy.
3. Work on healing. I’ve learned that so much guilt can accompany parenting. It’s hard to accept that I won’t be a perfect parent, that I’ll cause our daughter to feel sad or rejected. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. And, I’m learning that grace is a big part of this. For me, grace is the space for someone to be a work in progress. This is true for days I’m a hot mess, days I’m tired from work, days when I’m stressed about finances and days when I really don’t want to read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” again.

Let this be a reminder that you’re doing the best you can, and there’s room to do it more kindly, lovingly and patiently. It’ll take time, practice, accountability and making mistakes. I’m thankful to be rewriting my family’s story of how we treat each other. Generational trauma doesn’t have to be our namesake. It won’t be.

Destini Ann said, “I knew very early on that the whining and crying were triggers for me. (We don’t need to visit the why’s rooted in my own trauma right now … just know it SENDS ME). But guess what … it’s OK that it triggers me. When I realized it, I didn’t aim to eliminate the trigger … I just found tools to help me manage it.”