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Spending this Diwali alone again
I'm currently smoking in my balcony.
I moved a thousand miles away from home for work. Fresh out of college and maybe a little naive, money problems didn't make that much sense to me as they do now. I had always made a point to be home for my brother's birthday and Diwali. Most of the times both of them are in the same week, so I could take a long leave and be there for both occasions. Last year I skipped Diwali because they were in two different weeks and two round tickets would have been expensive. It was my first Diwali away from home, away in a city where I have no one of my own. It was sad but ok. And this time, I couldn't go for both despite both of them being in the same week because of the financial situation at home. I already had borrowed a good sum of money from my parents to make it though this month because I got half my salary (I lost 3 weeks due to dengue). I know I'll be going for new year, but I really want to be at home for Diwali. Nearly everyone I know is either lives with their parents or are going home for Diwali. The few who aren't, they have friends here to celebrate with. The icing of the cake is my depression and anxiety which start acting up whenever they want.
Tomorrow's Diwali and I don't know what to do. I don't know if the choices I had made in the past were right, and I don't know if the choices I'm making right now are. All I can see in my future is loneliness and despair. My heart goes out to anyone else who are not able to be with their families during holidays. I want to stay strong too, but the why keeps getting blurred day by day.
