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Ran out of cigarettes again

I don't have the energy to walk to the store for more. I'm exhausted. I've been smoking the butts in my ashtray but I don't have any left. I've been trying to quit smoking for the last few years with no progress. I've got to get better. If I quit smoking I can improve my health.


all-nighter cleaning

Oh my, so cleaned like crazy for two and a half days, first kitchen, every inch of kitchen counter was taken by intruders, then I myself and Irene took care of the dogs, then got rid of all the blankets and bags from all summer and car trip from car, then sorted many towels, and switched to clean ones, then took appliances down to basement, then cleared table numerous time, from assorted multiple kinds of sandwiches, then experimented by making one pickle jar from garden tomatoes, then washed dishes, then made beds, sorted sock and underwear containers, made a craft fabric paint container, and wonder at there being 6 or 7 ways to peel potatoes, 1 knife, 2 boiled with skin then put in ice water, 3 in large cicular bowl type thing with motion, 4 with a hand held peeler, 5 with the spinny stick thing with either one insert at the bottom, or 6 a series of spikey things, found hinking boots, picked up assorted shoes, did laundry, put away, found non existent hand towels, somehow, gathered thousands of clothing pieces of everyone's that had been on couch for months, made summer donation bag, cleaned car, put Earl Grey in trunk!, went galivanting on 19 somethings for 2 and a half hours, washed fruit collection plate, listened to lecture about how I don't cook as much any more, when made a chicken roast this week, went 5 hour drives away and back, became 23 or 21 or 27 and Rocked out, got kid to school, made bed in tent, made beds upstairs, did I say that already, watched college movie, folded clothes which covered every bed, found matching odd socks, washed bath mat, all this after singing very almost good and with knowledge of the words, looked for a man in or at Starbucks in or at the Moon, was cold, quit smoking - today, want to invite elderly over, advised man on PB and J diabetes change and no need for insulin, folded quilts, put out a nice tea towel but can't decide if Summer Vibes are over, contemplated Neil, Kid, James, Natalie and Gretchen, ate a lonely delicous cheese stuffed hot pepper, vacated loud video game, had time to clean mouth, healed small bruise, wrote too much, the end

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My first post - I’ve been on a bit of a ride

I’m not going to lie. The last few years have been pretty tough. I’m wondering whether others can relate and have any tips.
I am starting to feel like I’m running out of options and am a bit overwhelmed and a little scared. I am suffering derealisation and am having extreme trouble focusing and being consistent.
I started getting answers about my mental health a bit more than 10 years ago. A drug I took to stop smoking cigarettes precipitated a hypomanic episode which landed me in with a psychiatrist. After many sessions I left with a diagnosis of CPTSD and BPD ‘traits’. The diagnosis helped me make sense of my whole life.
I have luckily been relatively high-performing, and so I continued on with a stressful career in public relations - so many short term jobs where I valued and then devalued people before moving on. In hindsight I can see this career choice was the worst I could have made as it is triggering and completely exhausting. Why did I choose such a difficult career! (Probably prestige and no help from my alcoholic narcissistic parents).
Just before the COVID pandemic I broke up with my partner, then went through lockdowns, and then when things seemed to start becoming stable, I suddenly became the primary carer for my older brother who spent 16 months declining with lung cancer before he passed away. I was the only person in the family prepared to help like this. My caring role was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and it raised every conceivable triggering issue I have with my family and my parents.
When my brother passed I took some solo travel in the US and Europe and had a great time (though I did meet a vulnerable narcissist which was not so good). Here is a photo I took in Venice - such a pretty place!
So now I’m back in my home country, 50, unemployed, struggling to even think of work and feeling more exhausted than I’ve ever felt before.
I’d be interested in how others navigate complex life situations.
I did book a session with a psychiatrist but not much else planned.
Anyway, thanks for listening to my Ted Talk. I hope others are doing better :-) #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD

20 reactions 6 comments
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Having a good day today finally!

Pain is very minimal, I had a brief Crohn's flare up this morning but my tummy is calm now, I went to a panel today learning how to make a fursuits dummy out of duct tape but I left early cuz I had trouble focusing. I've got something to attend in an hour. I wandered around the vendors area and got a new necklace for myself, a necklace for my ex girlfriend, and a friend who was vending gave me a free pair of earrings. I'm thinking of getting a necklace for one of my friends too.

It's horribly hot today. I'm outside smoking right now and sweating a lot. But it's better than snow lol. I got a pumpkin muffin from one of the vendors. It was delicious!

I'm gonna take more pictures of furries today. I'm hoping to make new friends today. I've met a lot of people who I've talked to online for a year now and got lots of hugs. People have been gifting me cute trinkets all day. I got rainbow shoe laces! I'm very happy today.

Pain is starting to be problematic but I can still manage. Maybe 2 hours and I'll be done walking around much.

#CheerMeOn #CheckInWithMe

8 reactions 3 comments
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Feeling kinda blah

Tummy is calm now thank goodness and back doesn't hurt anymore and hips are still stiff but not as much pain but I'm starting to get a migraine. I'm resting and then I'll go to my discussion group in just over an hour . I went to a pagan discussion today and it was really good. I'm hoping to have a good turnout for mine.

Pic is of all the furries from the parade. I was hidden behind them smoking a cigarette.

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Good morning! It's day 1 of con and I am so excited!

I didn't sleep last night. I was just so nervous and excited for the day ahead. I had breakfast at maybe 630am. Right now it's 8am and I'm chain smoking and drinking some coffee. I'm not sure what time we're leaving for the con but I think it's soon. I've got a few things on my calendar for today. Registration so I can get my swag and badge is top of the list. I'm so ready!


4 reactions 4 comments

Need advice on changing psychiatrists

For those of you who have had changes in providers, I’m looking for advice for 2 reasons. The first is the most important part which is that I need to find a new psychiatrist and need advice on how to address that with my current psychiatrist. Do I owe her an explanation of some sort (in which case I guess I’m asking how to explain without being rude) or can I just cancel my next appointment with her and not reschedule? I’ve never been in this situation because I’ve only ever had one psychiatrist before and never had issues with that one (but he’s pediatric and I can’t go back 😫). The other part I need advice on is actually in regards to smoking (medical Mary Jane), so for anyone who does, have you had issues with your psychiatrist playing the blame game? If so, how did you handle it? One of the big reasons I’m switching is because that’s what she’s been doing despite the fact that I told her the symptoms and issues I’ve been struggling with have been present for far longer than I’ve been smoking but I know that this may be a common issue and I’d like to find a good way to handle it rather than feel like I need to switch providers again. Any input is helpful and greatly appreciated! #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Smoking #Depression #MightyTogether #CheckInWithMe

7 reactions 12 comments
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Today has just been a horrible day

First the appointment was rescheduled which ok that's shitty... But then I burned the roof of my mouth and gums. I mean big blister, it popped and peeled off. Hurt like hell but not really hurts now. It's just kinda tingly.

I found a little bag of cigarette butts that had a few drags left so I brought it to my apartment and I've been smoking them. I'll go back outside to check the ashtray once more before bed time. It's the only thing that went well today.

I'm gonna break down some cardboard boxes tonight and take them to the dumpster tomorrow. There's gotta be about 30 of them at least.


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Appointment with psych nurse today went well

I got my invega trinza injection today. My arm is very sore. I think the mild depression and anxiety was because my meds finished their 3 months cycle and I was due for another one. I'm feeling better today. Low anxiety. But I was bad... I bought a pack of cigarettes. I've smoked 2 cigarettes so far today. I'm gonna try to make it last.

#Smoking #CheckInWithMe

18 reactions 21 comments
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Feeling kinda blah

Today started crummy but I've tried to be productive. I bagged up 2 bags of trash and took them to the dumpster. It's not much but I've been putting it off for 2 weeks. My back really hurts so I just took 2 tramadol and I'm laying on my couch


I put on a nic patch this morning but my cravings are bad. I had a little meltdown earlier today when I went outside to look in the ashtray for butts. It was full of water. It's been raining off and on all day. I'd sell my lungs for a cigarette right now.

I'm hungry but don't have anything that I want to eat. I'm really craving a shawarma. It's one of my favorites. But I'll probably eat a hot dog or chicken sandwich for dinner. It's what I got in the fridge. I need to go to the grocery store but I don't have transportation.#MentalHealth My mood has been kinda off for a few weeks now. I took an olanzapine last night but I don't know if it's helping. I'm exhausted and grumpy and achy. It's just a bad day, I guess.I wish my friend that I reconnected with last night would come over. I miss him. Nobody is available for chatting. I'm so and anxious.

I just sneezed. I've been very sneezy for the last few days. #stressincontinence sucks.


10 reactions 4 comments