Smoking

I am Officially 60 days sober today! Its been a difficult road and a long journey but I am truly proud of how far I have come. A huge thank you to my recovery coach, Lisa and Amanda who has always been on my side, encouraging me along the way. I am writing this to share some about my recovery road, and open up to others about just how far I have come. Addiction had always been a part of My life, unfortunately my mother was a very heavy drug addict, who came to me with a plate of cocaine at 14 years old, and said "do some with me, cause I have nobody else to do this with." I was smoking crack with my mother by the age of 15. There is SO MUCH sadness in my heart to explain the loss I have and carry with me, every single day, because she died from her addiction. She died from a combination of drugs.. cocaine, heroin, fentanyl, and methadone. The cops told me that they had been theee many times to revive her with narcan. She didn't want to get help, and couldn't quit on her own. I can honestly say the same about myself, in the beginning I didn't want help and I truly didn't want to get or be sober but now I embrace only sobriety and happiness in my life. Although it's so hard, and never gets easier, and it's sad to say the cravings don't go away, but I have become a much better stronger version of myself that I never even knew existed its wonderful to find joy and sobriety in places, things and situations i wouldnt be able to feel a thing in, wrapped into destruction, numb from the drugs. If you know someone with a drug addiction, try not to judge and try to understand that us drug addicts never chose addiction. We dont wake up one day and want to become a drug addict. Drug addicts have an unlimited source and strong amount of pain, that we then treat with drugs or alcohol to numb ourselves. And that becomes our only way and form of a coping mechanism. I view drug addiction, like how I view dissacociating. Dissacociating and Trauma: You are disconnected from your own body, You are standing to the side or above your body, You are watching your life, but feeling nothing. Who you are has permanently changed. The world is foggy or abstract, You are uncertain about where you start and where you end. You are uncertain about where others start or end. You experience memory loss, And have different internal personalities.

So really if your caught up in drug addiction,you lose yourself and no longer get to experience being yourself. When you embrace Sobriety and truly become Sober, you get yourself, and more back. You get to feel so deeply again, and get to reach a part of yourself that was simply buried and unreachable with drug abuse. Experience your own self in ways that you couldn't even ever imagine. You get to fully love yourself again, and that is by far the best part of Sobriety. #Sobriety #SOBER #soberlooksgoodonyou #Addiction #loveyourself #positivemotivation #everyday #peerrecoverycoach #makingchanges #improveyourself #workonyourself

In this case, taking small baby steps is better than taking large leaps and risking injuring yourself because how will you get to the finishing line? It is often the journey that matters and not the destination, so if you are able to go easy on yourself, then do that because you are not only taking care of yourself, but you are taking care of your younger four-year-old self. Taking care of children requires special delicate care, but why don’t we take care of adults in the same way? We were all young pups at some point who have grown up in the same world, but it seems that by the time we become grown adults, our feelings suddenly stop to matter? To think the young, precious infant that the parents have cuddled every night before bed has been kicked out of the house for being an inconvenience as an adult at the age of 18 is a pretty sad realisation.

While that my barrier is up and strong, it is time to hammer it down and break free from the cage I have created in volume upmy head. I will attempt at beginning talking therapies and let go of the medications because the medication does not solve the issue inside; it doesn’t remove the tumour. Medications act like a plaster to a deep wound; they may help reduce the bleeding, but they will not allow the wound to heal, and to allow it to heal would be to expose it to the air and use the necessary specialised equipment to stitch it back up, and essentially bin the plaster. I am aware that this is the right path moving forward and long- term wise, but it’s having the courage to rip off the old plaster that’s been stuck to your skin.

A quote which I also love is, “You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved” It is essentially having the will and the desire to help pick yourself up and climb that ladder because no one else can save you otherwise, and there’s no use in helping someone recover when they do not have the desire to do so. It is like forcing an addict to quit smoking; regardless of how long they spend in rehab, they will still ultimately continue resorting to their addiction because, for many, it is a coping mechanism. Recovering from mental health disorders is often an individualistic path; of course, guidance and support are often needed and appreciated, but the patient must have the mentality to want to get better and to get out. I have been told by a lovely guiding mentor that if you are able to get up and go to work, attend university or simply get out of bed, then a part of you does have a reason to stay, even if it’s very minimal, it is still there because otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.

I have also begun to draw my emotions, which was a new experiment, and I noticed that most drawings have included me being submerged in the water. I am aware now that most people struggling with depression also feel that they are drowning because it indicates a sense of helplessness and a loss of control. I am hoping that whatever you and I feel, it does not feel like we’re drowning anymore. The difficult part of depression is that there’s no cure, similar to cancer. It creeps up at unexpected times; even when you think you are fully cured, you are never truly cured, hence why doctors dislike the use of being ‘cured’ and say that you are in a state of ‘remission’ once ending cancer treatment to prevent false hope.

So, while we are in that ‘remission’ phase, we could maybe enjoy it as much as we can? Taking it in baby steps, of course. A plant will not survive without its water and its sunshine, so start placing it in a position where it will be happy and don’t forget to water it either, or it will start to wither away. Plants, animals, and humans are all the same species, and we should all be treated with the same kindness. We are all trying our best to stay alive.

I may or may not have come to the end of spilling out my thoughts, but I truly hope that whoever is reading this was able to connect and understand the complexity of mental health. It is not easy to place it in words, but visualising it often creates a clearer image for individuals struggling and understanding depression :)

#Depression #EatingDisorder #Loneliness

I haven't had a cigarette since September 2nd. Yeah I'm vaping but I got myself down to 6mg juice. And I just meditated for 3 hours and didn't vape.

I didn't have a migraine today.

I'm slowly getting comfortable with aspects of sexuality after 6 years of sexual repulsion after a traumatic rape. Well...kinda. but now I want to invest in googly eyes.

I had to order a replacement lid for my big water bottle. The gasket got moldy. And pauley attempted to bleach the silicone parts of the old lid and they started melting. The bottle is black and the new lid is baby blue. I just finished drinking 40oz of a mix of piña colada juice and cucumber limeade juice mix. It was so refreshing.

I can see some of the tendons on top of my right foot. I've got moderate bilateral lymphedema. The lasix has been really helping. Except now I'm peeing every 45 minutes. Oh well.

#Smoking #Migraine #sexualaversion #hydration #Lymphedema

There’s a chapter in my book detailing my love affair with cigarettes (yes, that’s a shameless book plug but trust I have a point) and if I’m being honest, it is a battle that comes up quite often.

And it comes up most often in times of stress and if there is one thing I have been experiencing in the recent present…it’s stress.

I mean- but aren’t we all.

Anyway.

Raising kids is hard and I think raising teens might be harder. Navigating this world that gives us access to all the things presents its own unique challenges and throw in the fact that we are technology-parent-pioneers…

…well let’s just say mistakes are made and tears are shed.

My go to for a quick stress release has always been cigarettes and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t effective so trust when I say no judgement, smokers.

However, in my experience, relief in the short term doesn’t always provide relief in the long term.

There’s-like-research and stuff that says smoking causes all kinds of problems like lung disease and cancers and just a host of things that if I had a choice- I wouldn’t choose and I guess the truth is I do have a choice.

Not to mention, those teens I’m raising, they’re watching.

They’re noticing.

They are taking stock at how their mother handles stress and if she chooses unhealthy coping mechanisms well then it kind of passively permits them to do the same.

Short story long- a few months ago I picked cigarettes back up because the stress of it all begged for release and when my kids started questioning why there was a smell of smoke (because you can’t hide that stench no matter the effort) I decided that they deserved a better role model and that prompted me to want to make a different choice.

My feed has been full of other accounts sharing the magic of running and the way it can help the mind and let me tell you that I am open to a lot of things but running has always been an “are you insane” proposition but per usual the influencers were effective at influencing.

I decided to start running. Well, if we’re being honest, it is more of a slow jog.

But now I’m signed up for my first 5K and I have been reconnecting with a friend who runs who also happens to offer beautiful support in the hard and my kids have been joining me on occasion and I *think* the long term benefits of running are just better than the consequences of smoking.

Ok. I know they are.

Anyway. I am sharing this to tell you how easy it is to choose a quick release.

A bad habit.

An unhealthy coping mechanism.

It’s easy because instant gratification.

But y’all, we’ll pay for that quick release in the long run (oh would ya look at that pun) Yes, it is harder to choose movement over cigarettes but it does feel better.

I am finding joy in something that never would I ever have thought could be joyful and I just want to tell you that the draw to substances (like nicotine) is powerful but so are we.

It is all hard friends. But- even if it doesn’t feel like it- we get to choose our hard.

Keep going. I promise you’ll be glad you did.
#MentalHealth #Recovery

I love dogs. Always have.
I hate leaving our dogs when we go on vacation, and this morning is no different as I say goodbye to our sad and sleepy Golden.
Walking through the airport on one of the busiest travel days of the year, I envy people bringing their dogs, ribbons and festive scarves around their harnesses and leashes.
My disabled adult son, however, is totally terrified.
The simplest way to explain his reaction is that when a dog barks, Charlie’s anxiety skyrockets and he physically recoils spiraling quickly into a full blown panic attack.
Will the dog bark?
Will the dog bark again?
Where is it?
Which way is it going?
Am I safe?
It can take Charlie hours to recover emotionally and physically from an attack triggered by a barking dog. And, unfortunately, today we see 6 dogs en route to our gate, only one a service animal. They are all quiet, well-behaved and honestly add to the happy excitement of families gathering for the Christmas holiday.
But then we hear the 7th dog, a shaggy, little pup sticking its head out of a carrier. The AirPod-wearing owner is seemingly oblivious, even as many passengers turn to see what’s happening. My husband and I glance at each other, and then at Charlie who sees the dog but is working hard to maintain calm.
Unfortunately the pup keeps barking non-stop, yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip all the way down the very long echo chamber concourse. There is no escape.
The damage is done, and we frantically search for an airport lounge or quiet zone for Charlie to calm.
But let’s pause here for a moment as I am pretty certain I can hear readers thinking: give him anxiety meds, have him wear headphones, don’t travel with him.
Let me clarify that Charlie has tried all three options and many, many more at different times of his life. What I can share is that medication makes him inconsistently woozy, headphones hurt his ears and head and leaving our son behind on a family vacay is heartbreaking.
Especially because Charlie French loves to travel.
He is an adventurer. He is a 33-year old man who works very hard for primarily three financial rewards: vhs tapes, gifts for the siblings he loves and flying Business Class.
No matter how bad of a trip we have experienced, Charlie eventually wants to try to go out in the world again.
Arriving at our gate we encounter a family with 4 small dogs waiting to board. A 5th pup comes inside from the decking at the end of the concourse where I see an outdoor seating area, and surprisingly, a giant pee pad.
Pretty nice.
I glance at Charlie struggling to find equilibrium staring at all the little dogs and their entourage of humans.
Why isn’t there a space for Charlie? And other individuals with sensory challenges or auditory processing needs? How can public spaces support these humans?
Accessing public areas seems like something everyone in society should be able to achieve fairly easily. Right?
There are children’s areas in airports Lounges have games and spaces for teens. There are notifications about food allergies at restaurants and food courts. There are family restrooms and baby changing rooms. There are smoking areas. There are carts assisting travelers with mobility issues. And, there are pee pads.
I won’t presume to speak for the disability community on how to problem solve this issue (#nothingforuswithoutus), but I can share Charlie’s perspective: I don’t want to hear barking dogs. I want it to be quiet.
Well, we pre-board (hooray for accommodations), take our seats in disappointing First Class (if it isn’t Business, Charlie is always a bit bummed), and wouldn’t you know it: 2 pups and their owners are just behind us.
Not sure how this trip will turn out, but I am proud of my brave son who continues to go out in a challenging society to chase his desires despite the hurdles he faces.
Here’s hoping the air bnb doesn’t have any barking dogs nearby!

This is my mother Joann
on linen that I dyed in tea water until it was the right shade of brown.Picture of her taken in 1921.
I named my second daughter after her. I miss them both.
This is embroidery which I designed. Still stitching, not smoking!