Smoking

Hi, my name is Mitch321. I'm here because

Tired old and feel irrelevant.

Trying to find a purpose in my life after great loss.
Lost my Fiancee in April.
My Parent's during Covid.
Currently in an Estate battle with my greedy older Sisters.

Not Suicidal.

I guess i'm just giving up.
Maybe I just let everything go.

Drinking too much.
Started Smoking after quitting for 27 years.

I just feel defeated

#MightyTogether

Really struggling again. Ruminating AGAIN on hurt, anger, and abandonment by close friend a couple years ago. I still have to see her due to mutual friends and it's very hard. I was just shut out due to a minor disagreement. I've mostly given her space, but in the last year have reached out a few times, have been civil/friendly. I think she has some BPD traits too and shutting down/out is kind of her MO. But her face and demeanor just look so much like she doesn't care, and MY BPD just can't let it go. Paranoia moves in, and I start thinking I will lose another close friend whom she is close with as well. It starts a downward spiral of self hatred, and I just don't know how to make it stop. I don't self harm and I quit drinking and smoking the last couple years. My coping skills have/are improving but the suffering is not. Sorry ...AND the suffering is not. 🙄 Very frustrated and demoralized.

The worst part is not being able to afford to hunt around for a decent doctor, especially one willing to do the necessary research to understand just how those NSAID's effected me to ensure this never happens to another person again.

The dizziness, the stomach pain, the difficulty breathing, thank the ancient forgotten gods the chest pains haven't been that bad, but still, damn this sucks. It's so much worse than my chronic pains.

And I am very positive this has exacerbated the damage smoking has done to my lungs by a hell of a lot. And gods knows groups would use this distress to further ostracize tobacco "addicts" than reduce possible physically damaging medicines.

I hate this dizziness/breathlessness. I am so god damn sorry I trusted that doctor.

After an hour of talking about vape tanks and her wanting me to quit smoking, she finally relented and we ordered an Uber to the tobacco shop. I got my cigarettes. And I'm supposed to order a vape tank online. I don't know much about vaping. I guess I gotta learn.

I've been trying to use my vape. Different ways to inhale. Different ways to exhale. Nothing seems to matter, I end up coughing so hard. I have chest pains from coughing so hard. I pulled a muscle in my butt. I miss how cigarettes never made me cough. I keep trying for her but she's not doing anything to help. This really sucks.

#Smoking