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Reminding myself #Anxiety #impulsivebehavior #innervoices #Selfhate

I fight the little voices inside my head every day. Most often, they point out my failures and wrongdoings. Last night was full of ridiculous and impulsive behaviors on my part and I have beat myself up all day. It occurred to me to change the wallpaper on my phone. Today, I wrote “You aren’t horrible “ on a piece of paper and now I have seen that positive (less negative at least) reminder all day. I haven’t even known I needed to read the sentiment until that wave of reassurance and the tiniest bit of self-love comes over me. Think I will change the sentiment as needed but today I just need to know I am not horrible.

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I Impulsively tried to hijack 5 cars going 55 mph when triggered yesterday.

Today, is another day, thank goodness! I have been going through a period of major life transition coupled with extreme external and internal stressors. Yesterday, after a medical appointment, I was interacting with one of my family members, when I allowed a minor annoyance, to trigger me over the edge. I totally flipped a switch inside of me, where I no longer could access all of my coping skills I had learned and practiced from therapy. I left my place, in a rage! I don’t have transportation, and I was in flight mode. I wanted to get as far away from where I was as possible. I didn’t know how to do that, and all I could think is, “I need to get out of here!” So when I got to the highway near my house, I went right out into a 55mph speed zone, stepped in front of a car, forcing it to stop, then started toward the driver door. The car did an evasive manure off the side of the road and sped off. Within the next five minutes, I had no sense of reality. I turned around and stepped in front of a truck coming the other way, who was obviously afraid to stop and almost hit me before swearving around. Thren I was in the middle between two trucks that eluded my motions towards them. This rampage of mine ladted only about five minutes, but it shook me up tremendously. I don’t know how I csn practice, practice, practice… exactly for a triggered moment like this, yet when the moment comes, be totally unable to even have the awareness to realize that I am acting out a behavior that is totally, completely, insanely, illegally, everything about it WRONG! And in thst moment, I had no clue at all that I was acting out, doing something wrong, doing something dangerous, doing something illegal, doing something that could end my life or cause snd accident and injure someone else!! NONE OF THIS EVER EVEN ENTERED MY MIND!!!!
I am so grateful I am alive! I talked to my psychologist today, and we brainstormed how to help prevent this from happening in the future. I have a long history of impulse actions of similar magnitude. I am writing this for myself to cement it in my brain, that I cannot afford this to happen anymore. I need to put my self care plan in effect BEFORE I become overwhelmed. Take a vacation day. A self care dsy. And do not engage anyone or involve myself in any approach behaviors until at least the next day and only then if I am out of overwhelm. My Dr said we can’t stop me, once I’m triggered, so I must be vigilant of warning signs and take measures to reduce overwhelm before I could possibly be triggered while in that state. #triggeredstate #Safetyplan #impulsivebehavior #losttouchwithreality #Riskybehavior


I Did Something Dangerous Because I Was Sad

While I was at work, I began to feel empty. When I left, I did feel sad over my paranoid thoughts of being alone and I had this idea to make a tik tok video by standing in the middle of the street at 4:10 in the morning. I did this on an impulse, on top of that there was a Jeep headed for my direction while I was recording. I got out the way in time. Yes, it was dumb, stupid, irresponsible, all of the above, but in a way I felt good about it. Most times, my way of making myself feel better is spending money on things, other times it is risk taking (but not with my life being in danger in some way.) My life at this point feels like uncharted territory in more ways than one. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #impulsivebehavior

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