Selfhate

I'm about done lately. All the month I moved I had the CFS, Costochondritis and Fibromyalgia flaring to the point I went to the ER. They did nothing since it wasn't deemed an emergency. I don't have a PCP because they've treated me badly and basically told me it's in my head. My parents are making things worse and treating me like an idiot (I do not live with them). They told me I have to be nice to them because they're my parents. They're not nice to me. I rely on them for money or I'd be homeless. They don't understand chronic illness or mental health at all and make things worse. They are cruel.
The whole month of the move I was flaring and in extreme amounts of pain. I had one friend and two days her other friend helping and I couldn't keep pushing myself. I'm getting a cleaning fee and my apartment complex is trying to add on other fees. My parents are going to be pissed. I want to cry. I want to die. I'm talking with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and my counselor Friday. I just don't know if I can make it that long. My cat is my anchor right now.
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
#Advice #Autism #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Selfhate #Selfblame #Arthritis #Spoonie #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue

I don’t know why I continue putting myself through this bs…. I truly love this man but don’t think the feeling is mutual…Why is he still with me??!? #Depression #FeelingAlone #Lovelost #Selfhate

I find it very suffocating to not feel understood.

Why is it so difficult to understand someone who is literally speaking their heart out. I can go on explaining myself for days yet I fail to convey my message.

What am I doing wrong? Why does nobody understand me? Why does it bother me so much? How can I cope?

I want to feel whole on my own. I don't want to depend on anyone for validation of my feelings. Please advice.

#Anxiety #Selfhate #SelfDoubt #Loneliness

I'm so tired of protending I'm fine when I'm not ,I'm so tired of feeling what I feel and being the way I am it's just so hard to act ok every single day #Selfharm #deppreshion #anxiaty #Selfhate #lonelyness

I feel horrible. I haven’t visited my gram who’s dying of cancer. Reason is I’m too depressed to get out of bed before noon. But I just want to be with her. I lie awake at night thinking about her sleeping at the nursing home. How lonely she feels, angry and depressed. When I leave her I feel so guilty. I feel even more guilty that I don’t see her more than once a week. When I think about these things about myself, I spiral into dark thoughts. How I’m a worthless asshole, piece of shit, who doesn’t even visit his gram. How I disappointed her. How I’ve let her down. I think that I should be punished for not visiting her. She’s suffering so much so I have to suffer too. I’ve thought about really bad thoughts when I think of her and I’m not there. I just am a burden and a disappointment. I won’t hurt myself, I just have these thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares where she dies. My heart just aches. I’m scared of her dying. But I also want her to not be in pain anymore. Her cancer is spreading. When she dies I don’t know what I’ll do.. mental breakdown. #Grief #Depression #lonely #ihatemyself #MentalHealth #Cancer #Anxiety #Badthoughts #Selfhate #lonely #alone

What do you do when your "happy place" breaks your heart? Let me set up a scene to help you see into my mind for a sec.
To pull myself out of the pit, my brain creates a made up scenario that tosses my consciousness into whatever show/movie/game I happen to be hyperfixated on that week. When I'm deep in, I'm at peace. I forget that I'm falling off the cliff.
But it only lasts so long.
Reality really is a bitch. I crash back into the real world and it's more painful than when I "left". I feel so incredibly stupid for doing it and miserable with the fact I'll never have any of that for real.
So... I guess... Is it really a happy place or a place for me to be a masochist with depression?
#Depression #Selfhate #Whyamilikethis ?

I’ve pushed everyone away. Not because I want to…I just felt I’d do them a favour and make it easy to leave me behind. I can’t stand the feeling of not being okay it causing everyone around me to roll their eyes and sigh in frustration. It’s easier this way you know? For them at least. And it’s not like I have a lot of people in my life anyway… lol. There’s a wonderful man whom I adore that has come into my life… I’m counting down the seconds until he leaves and am contemplating Sabatoging the relationship in an effort to save him from the headache that is me and all of my mental instability. A lot of people would never guess I’m so screwed up, or that I hate every day I have to exist. I try for them mostly. Because it’s exhausting having to validate and carry my mood everywhere they go.

Anyway. I’m in an all time low place. It’s scary…