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Frustrations #Depression #Anxiety #Insecure #Shame #abusesurvivor #Selfhate

I can be sarcastic and joke a lot. Well last week I innocently made a joke towards a co-worker. The coworker later said she was offended, mainly because we had a visitor/observer that day. It doesn't even matter what the joke was about. Because she said her peace and my boss has said I'm not in trouble in any way. I just need to be more professional, especially when ourltsiders are present. I said I would do better.

The real problem is the lack of compassion I have for myself. I feel guilty, and ashamed, that I can't do or say anything right. I've been in therapy for many years. I realize these thoughts are not rational. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself. "All I can do is my best" "Everyone agrees it was an innocent mistake" "No one is mad at me" Did I mention I'm not in trouble.

Im having reoccurring moments of fighting tears. The only person punishing me is me. I've been redirecting my train of thought, using distraction, good night sleep, worked on hobbies, yet as I write this I keep thinking I'm horrible & all I want to do is curl up & cry. I see my therapist Tuesday. I'm saying all the she would say. I also feel a little angry that I can't just " let it go", I'm wishing I wasn't so hard on myself. Which brings me back to "well if I wasn't such a screw up then I wouldn't be having such a hard time." Or "I wouldn't make such a stupid mistake ". I'm angry that something so minor is so hard for me. I will be OK, right now how I feel sucks. I've included a picture of emotional support animal, Nicco.

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Just moved #CFS #Costochondritis #Fibomyalgia #ChronicDepression #Anxiety #CPTSD

I'm about done lately. All the month I moved I had the CFS, Costochondritis and Fibromyalgia flaring to the point I went to the ER. They did nothing since it wasn't deemed an emergency. I don't have a PCP because they've treated me badly and basically told me it's in my head. My parents are making things worse and treating me like an idiot (I do not live with them). They told me I have to be nice to them because they're my parents. They're not nice to me. I rely on them for money or I'd be homeless. They don't understand chronic illness or mental health at all and make things worse. They are cruel.
The whole month of the move I was flaring and in extreme amounts of pain. I had one friend and two days her other friend helping and I couldn't keep pushing myself. I'm getting a cleaning fee and my apartment complex is trying to add on other fees. My parents are going to be pissed. I want to cry. I want to die. I'm talking with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and my counselor Friday. I just don't know if I can make it that long. My cat is my anchor right now.
Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.
#Advice #Autism #SuicidalIdeation #Selfharm #Selfhate #Selfblame #Arthritis #Spoonie #ChronicFatigueSyndrome #ChronicIllness #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue

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I don’t know why I continue putting myself through this bs…. I truly love this man but don’t think the feeling is mutual…Why is he still with me??!? #Depression #FeelingAlone #Lovelost #Selfhate

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Does it bother you to not be understood?

I find it very suffocating to not feel understood.

Why is it so difficult to understand someone who is literally speaking their heart out. I can go on explaining myself for days yet I fail to convey my message.

What am I doing wrong? Why does nobody understand me? Why does it bother me so much? How can I cope?

I want to feel whole on my own. I don't want to depend on anyone for validation of my feelings. Please advice.

#Anxiety #Selfhate #SelfDoubt #Loneliness

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Reminding myself #Anxiety #impulsivebehavior #innervoices #Selfhate

I fight the little voices inside my head every day. Most often, they point out my failures and wrongdoings. Last night was full of ridiculous and impulsive behaviors on my part and I have beat myself up all day. It occurred to me to change the wallpaper on my phone. Today, I wrote “You aren’t horrible “ on a piece of paper and now I have seen that positive (less negative at least) reminder all day. I haven’t even known I needed to read the sentiment until that wave of reassurance and the tiniest bit of self-love comes over me. Think I will change the sentiment as needed but today I just need to know I am not horrible.

2 reactions 19 comments
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Dear me, I'm sorry

(Writter is not me, but it could very well be)

Dear me, I'm sorry I didn't love you like you deserved to be loved, and still don't. I'm sorry I give too much of yourself to others and leave nothing for yourself, until one day there may be nothing left to give.

How is it possible that someone so wounded by others can still care so much for others. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. How much shame do I carry by now? So many kinds of shame...

Dear me, I'm sorry.

#Selftalk #Selfcare #ChildhoodAbuse #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #Depression #Selfhate

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I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine

I'm so tired of protending I'm fine when I'm not ,I'm so tired of feeling what I feel and being the way I am it's just so hard to act ok every single day #Selfharm #deppreshion #anxiaty #Selfhate #lonelyness


Depression. Guilt. Angry. Scared. Cancer.

I feel horrible. I haven’t visited my gram who’s dying of cancer. Reason is I’m too depressed to get out of bed before noon. But I just want to be with her. I lie awake at night thinking about her sleeping at the nursing home. How lonely she feels, angry and depressed. When I leave her I feel so guilty. I feel even more guilty that I don’t see her more than once a week. When I think about these things about myself, I spiral into dark thoughts. How I’m a worthless asshole, piece of shit, who doesn’t even visit his gram. How I disappointed her. How I’ve let her down. I think that I should be punished for not visiting her. She’s suffering so much so I have to suffer too. I’ve thought about really bad thoughts when I think of her and I’m not there. I just am a burden and a disappointment. I won’t hurt myself, I just have these thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares where she dies. My heart just aches. I’m scared of her dying. But I also want her to not be in pain anymore. Her cancer is spreading. When she dies I don’t know what I’ll do.. mental breakdown. #Grief #Depression #lonely #ihatemyself #MentalHealth #Cancer #Anxiety #Badthoughts #Selfhate #lonely #alone


(not) my happy place

What do you do when your "happy place" breaks your heart? Let me set up a scene to help you see into my mind for a sec.
To pull myself out of the pit, my brain creates a made up scenario that tosses my consciousness into whatever show/movie/game I happen to be hyperfixated on that week. When I'm deep in, I'm at peace. I forget that I'm falling off the cliff.
But it only lasts so long.
Reality really is a bitch. I crash back into the real world and it's more painful than when I "left". I feel so incredibly stupid for doing it and miserable with the fact I'll never have any of that for real.
So... I guess... Is it really a happy place or a place for me to be a masochist with depression?
#Depression #Selfhate #Whyamilikethis ?