Frustrations #Depression #Anxiety #Insecure #Shame #abusesurvivor #Selfhate
I can be sarcastic and joke a lot. Well last week I innocently made a joke towards a co-worker. The coworker later said she was offended, mainly because we had a visitor/observer that day. It doesn't even matter what the joke was about. Because she said her peace and my boss has said I'm not in trouble in any way. I just need to be more professional, especially when ourltsiders are present. I said I would do better.
The real problem is the lack of compassion I have for myself. I feel guilty, and ashamed, that I can't do or say anything right. I've been in therapy for many years. I realize these thoughts are not rational. So I'm trying to be gentle with myself. "All I can do is my best" "Everyone agrees it was an innocent mistake" "No one is mad at me" Did I mention I'm not in trouble.
Im having reoccurring moments of fighting tears. The only person punishing me is me. I've been redirecting my train of thought, using distraction, good night sleep, worked on hobbies, yet as I write this I keep thinking I'm horrible & all I want to do is curl up & cry. I see my therapist Tuesday. I'm saying all the she would say. I also feel a little angry that I can't just " let it go", I'm wishing I wasn't so hard on myself. Which brings me back to "well if I wasn't such a screw up then I wouldn't be having such a hard time." Or "I wouldn't make such a stupid mistake ". I'm angry that something so minor is so hard for me. I will be OK, right now how I feel sucks. I've included a picture of emotional support animal, Nicco.