Depression, Guilt, Numb
My depression is so heavy.. I can’t get my ass out of the bed before noon. Every step feels like I’m full of cement. I just daze through the day, dissociating. I feel nothing but angry at myself and guilty. I hate myself. I can’t do anything right. Everything I say is stupid and wrong so I don’t say anything at all. I’m a failure because I’ve let my family down. I’ve been chronically depressed for 12 years. I have 2 therapists, but I can’t be seen as much as I need to. I’ve been on 13 antidepressants and they don’t really help. I have one friend. All I do is sleep because I’m exhausted from not sleeping. I oversleep and wake up feeling like shit anyway. Yesterday I slept from 10pm to 4pm. I sleep because i don’t have to face the day and pretend I’m happy. I have no interest in anything anymore. I impulsive shop and eat fast food because I don’t have energy to learn how to cook. I’m numb. Empty. What’s wrong with me? #Depression #Anxiety #Selfhate #lonely #Antidepressant #MentalHealth #ChronicDepression #PTSD #angry #oversleep #Sleep #Insomnia #Nightmares
Depression. Guilt. Angry. Scared. Cancer.
I feel horrible. I haven’t visited my gram who’s dying of cancer. Reason is I’m too depressed to get out of bed before noon. But I just want to be with her. I lie awake at night thinking about her sleeping at the nursing home. How lonely she feels, angry and depressed. When I leave her I feel so guilty. I feel even more guilty that I don’t see her more than once a week. When I think about these things about myself, I spiral into dark thoughts. How I’m a worthless asshole, piece of shit, who doesn’t even visit his gram. How I disappointed her. How I’ve let her down. I think that I should be punished for not visiting her. She’s suffering so much so I have to suffer too. I’ve thought about really bad thoughts when I think of her and I’m not there. I just am a burden and a disappointment. I won’t hurt myself, I just have these thoughts and feelings. I have nightmares where she dies. My heart just aches. I’m scared of her dying. But I also want her to not be in pain anymore. Her cancer is spreading. When she dies I don’t know what I’ll do.. mental breakdown. #Grief #Depression #lonely #ihatemyself #MentalHealth #Cancer #Anxiety #Badthoughts #Selfhate #lonely #alone
(not) my happy place
What do you do when your "happy place" breaks your heart? Let me set up a scene to help you see into my mind for a sec.
To pull myself out of the pit, my brain creates a made up scenario that tosses my consciousness into whatever show/movie/game I happen to be hyperfixated on that week. When I'm deep in, I'm at peace. I forget that I'm falling off the cliff.
But it only lasts so long.
Reality really is a bitch. I crash back into the real world and it's more painful than when I "left". I feel so incredibly stupid for doing it and miserable with the fact I'll never have any of that for real.
So... I guess... Is it really a happy place or a place for me to be a masochist with depression?
#Depression #Selfhate #Whyamilikethis ?
I’m tired of myself. #Selfhate
I’ve pushed everyone away. Not because I want to…I just felt I’d do them a favour and make it easy to leave me behind. I can’t stand the feeling of not being okay it causing everyone around me to roll their eyes and sigh in frustration. It’s easier this way you know? For them at least. And it’s not like I have a lot of people in my life anyway… lol. There’s a wonderful man whom I adore that has come into my life… I’m counting down the seconds until he leaves and am contemplating Sabatoging the relationship in an effort to save him from the headache that is me and all of my mental instability. A lot of people would never guess I’m so screwed up, or that I hate every day I have to exist. I try for them mostly. Because it’s exhausting having to validate and carry my mood everywhere they go.
Anyway. I’m in an all time low place. It’s scary…
Low, low, low...
I am feeling very low. And when I feel like this, I tend to really hate everyone, of course myself but especially my partner. We've been together for almost twelve years ( our anniversary is next week) and I feel very resentful towards him because in all those years he hasn't figured out how to not make me feel even worse than I already feel. I feel like he doesn't really care to learn about my condition. He just gives me the typical " you just have to think positive" or some shit like that. I am feeling very bitter, and I am constantly thinking that maybe I will be better without him but how can I trust myself? I can't trust my feelings and emotions, that's one of the worst part of BPD for me. #Depression #Selfhate
What is the one thing, or greatest thing, you wished Emergency Responders knew when they arrived at your living quarters to help you? What are the most important statements and approaches you would suggest Emergency Responders use when assisting and caring for you when you are in a dark place and need help?
#SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #Selfhate #Trauma #Abuse #badlove #sensitivity
Where is the finish line?
There's always a sentence, a song, a movie, anything... that makes me scared of dying. Even the times that voice tells me I shouldn't be alive, I am terrified of a day I won't be able to control it. I ask myself if I trust myself enough that day or I should try to be around people to distract my mind (and be watched... Just in case). I'm so terrified I'm going to die before I have the chance to live.
And then I think that my chance is now but every time I think I have enough energy to do it, it slips through my hands. Even the times I did have energy I didn't really live. So I blame myself for the lost time.
I feel like my whole life slips through my hands and it's all's my fault. I feel so guilty and unappreciative and it makes me hate myself even more.