livingwithborderline

i lost control. i got mad. i threw things. i yelled. i swore. but i didn’t stay there. i felt jt. got it out. and i moved on. i’m proud of that.
#Mania #Bipolar2Disorder #livingwithborderline

I’m new to this community but excited. Living with BPD can be so lonely. You want people here but you’re afraid to let them in. It’s confusing and stressful. I recently shared my diagnosis with someone who I’m close with and now I feel regretful, like I shouldn’t have put the burden of this information on them. I just want normal relationships/friendships without BPD interfering.

This is a mess - a whirlwind of thoughts following the question "do you even know what you need from me?". Of course, trying to say these things out loud leaves a lump in my throat that I just cant seem to swallow, and an ache in the hollow parts of my chest that I only grant my FP access to. It doesnt need to make sense to anyone but me. I know what I need is just too much.
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I need to feel heard. I need to feel needed. I need extra hugs when it hurts to breathe - I need to be able to voice when this is happening, but more so, I need to not be scared of asking for help. I need help. I need to know that I'm not alone. I need to know that you wont leave.. no matter how many times I ask if you're going to. I need to know that needing you is okay. I need to know that I'm enough.. I need to know that I'm not too much. I need space.. and time.. and quiet.. I need your friendship. I need your loud, your clingy and your adventurous nature. I need you to understand that most of the time.. I'm not alright. I need you to know that anytime is a good time to hold me - just dont be surprised if it makes me cry. I need your love the most when you see me as unlovable. I need you to know that every opportunity passed to touch eachother is noticed and logged away as a sign that you think I'm disgusting. I need you to know that my brain plays out conversations that we may never have and then makes me believe it. I need you to know that every text left on read destroys me. I need you to know that every time you raise your voice at me.. I shut down. I need you to know that all the hateful things you say outweigh the good because I already feel that way about myself. I need you to know that I push you away because in my mind.. you're already gone. I need you to know that I'd give anything to forget. That some nights my mind wakes me up by screaming at me how useless I am. I need you to know that looking at your stuff packed and by the door is more painful than anything you say. I need you to know that i believe you.. all of you... and its confusing. I need you to know that I'm not weak - spending a day in my head makes me stronger than you will ever understand. I need you to know that sometimes the way you love me is the only thing keeping me together. I need you to know that every time we are intimate, I panic out of fear of not performing well enough.. or being too loud.. or being too much. Too much. Always too much. I need you to know that I have nightmares every night, I only ever mention the terrible ones. I need you to know that I'm drowning. I need you to know that I'm not capable of asking for help. I need you to know that I love you.. and I know that all that I am... is just too fucking much. #BPD #Borderline #toomuch #livingwithborderline