toomuch

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    Can I loose any more?

    So my accident cost my my mobility, my career and my house. 8 years of fighting though excruciating pain, learning to walk again, incompetent NHS (as a patient and employee) and crippling depression only to develop PTSD. The PTSD has now very nearly cost me my marriage.
    Why keep going? What is the point? Fear of loosing everything is a symptom right? What happens when that comes true?
    I am having the worst run of flashbacks and panic attacks right now I can't figure out how to fight on when my rock and best friend has had enough? #PTSD #PanicAttacks #toomuch

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    No, I’m not Ok…

    I’ve been putting on a brave face for the last few hours, but yeah, I’m not ok. On Sunday, I was in Victorville visiting my grandma that I haven’t seen in four years. She’s been mentally ill for as long as I could remember, but I found out that she is in stage 4 renal failure and possibly severe COPD. Because of those factors, her mental capacity is gradually declining. She didn’t even know who I was. Along with her history of undiagnosed paranoia schizophrenia, it has been a lot to process. I think I might have a headache for the next few days behind this. Gradually, I’ve become both sad and angry. I’m sad because of all that is happened and I know that at some point I’m going to be overwhelmed by this. I feel more inclusive to not talk to my friends about this because I believe that this is a level of grief that I am experiencing that I don’t think they will understand. The anger is pretty much from the same place. I’m angry about my current and past relationships with people. One of my long time friends can be emotionally draining to be around and I’ve had to put up boundaries. In hindsight, I’ve realized that a number of my friends in the past have put me in uncomfortable situations and I protected them every time. The last guy that I really liked busted my abandonment wound wide open over a year ago. I do feel pretty empty inside. I felt that since I’m some form of a “ warrior “, I’m supposed to survive no matter what and that I’m not supposed to be tired. Or that since some people see me as a “healer”, my empathy towards others is needed. I’ve had enough! I want to push everyone away at this point. This loneliness that I’m feeling feels permanent and the weight of it all is just too much. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Loneliness #familyhistory #toomuch

    11 people are talking about this
    Community Voices
    Community Voices

    When it rains it pours. I am currently not stuck in a depressive episode but afraid I could go there. It’s too easy to slip, too familiar. It’s too natural to want to self-harm. Thinking of ecsaping this life forever comes too quickly.
    Health problems, death in the family, spouse health problems, marital strife, a neuroatypical teenager that is afraid and ashamed, loss of a job… all in the last 2 months.
    I was doing ok, surprisingly so, until this very moment. I’m tired. I’m at a loss. I’ve gone to very bad places in my mind in the past - I don’t want to go there again, not now. What if…
    I don’t want to start spinning, spiraling down. I want to believe that my healthier coping skills, regular self-care, healing from meds and therapy will cushion me a bit. I don’t want to want to die. Depression has stolen so much from me, now is not the time for it to take more.
    #NeedEncouragement

    7 people are talking about this
    Community Voices
    Community Voices

    BIG Trigger warning.
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    Today I am caught in a very polarized thought pattern where one part of me insists that the trauma never happened, and another genuinely wishes one of the perpetrators would have just killed me when he was done with me so I didn’t have to live this life of constantly fighting with myself and self doubt and questioning.

    I am not going to kill myself. I have my “adopted” sister’s kids to think of, the older one is only 7 and she adores me and would not understand. The younger one is autistic and doesn’t speak much but he is starting to talk to me and he’s only 5 though very bright but he’d never understand either. I won’t do that to those kids. I won’t do that to any of my loved ones because my “adopted” Dad has already lost two family members to suicide. I lost a friend the same way many years ago and I’m still not over it and I’m not selfish enough to do that to the people I love.

    I just wish I never existed. I am losing hope that it will ever get better with my CPTSD. What with having to get off perphenazine fast it is shaping up to be a very rough few months.

    4 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

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    26 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Lockdown Limbo..

    <p>Lockdown Limbo..</p>
    10 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Hopeless

    I’m feeling so hopeless, like I don’t know how I can keep going. The pain in my heart is overwhelming. I’m alone, and it’s too much to bear. I know some people feel like I do. My heart is with you because it is a terrible feeling.
    #Depression #Anxiety #hopeless #toomuch #ChronicIllness #alone

    9 people are talking about this
    Community Voices

    Too much

    <p>Too much</p>
    8 people are talking about this