matter

Every year I offer to help and every year someone tells me that I " would just be getting in the way". People who utter these thoughtless words never consider how much they make me feel " useless". To add insult to injury last year's Thanksgiving which I cooked solely for myself and my husband was the only time in 41 years that I felt my efforts at cooking were truly appreciated. I know that it's important for people to be appreciated for the work they do but it cuts when you offer to " lighten the load" and people say that you " just aren't doing it right". None of them seem to realize how psychologically damaging it is to hear how your " best efforts" are not good enough. It's not really supposed to be this difficult to communicate your true feelings to the people that you love but when you know how harshly they judge you it's too much to spend the holidays fighting back 😭 tears. It's like when my grandma wouldn't let me make my own bed as a kid because it didn't look good enough for her. My aunt says that she just made her do hers repeatedly until she " got it right" but here's the thing at least grandma believed that she had the ability to eventually " get it right" . There are times that I resent other women because I feel like so many of the ladies in my life just see me as someone who makes them feel " superior" . Granted not all women are like this and I have certainly met my share of condescending men but for whatever reason it's the women who treat me this way that hurt 🤕 me the most. Especially if it is someone that I am close to. Having been bullied through ostracization by girls during my developing years is probably what triggers these overly emotional reactions. Yet I cannot always shake it. No #matter how hard I try to be " thick skinned" there are certain things that always get to me. #Gratitudenotsomuch #

I woke up this morning with a pain in my chest , just the thought of having to get up overwhelmed me today , I have to go to work & put on my work face when all I wanna do is make a safe cocoon in my bed.

Work has been taking its toll on me. We’ve been working short the past few months and you’d think I’d be used to it. And all this pressure , gives me anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong , I love working with my residents , but my department , if someone doesn’t do it , I pick up slack , so yesterday I was selfish & I left them .

Because? I need to breathe too. I need to feel again. And I’m not a supervisor.

So happy Friday my beautiful people let’s try to #Breathe today because we #matter & we are #imporant even though we have #Anxiety we need to our selves first .