Some days I wake up and I feel great. Some days I can’t even conquer my shoes. This is the chronic pain situation. Some days are amazing. Some days I feel like I’m bathing in bleach and ammonia. Some days the lower level of my house feels like a different county some days I can get to the gym. My life is weird that way. Can anyone relate?
Remember when doctors were empathetic and pills were abundant?
When did opiate crisis mean that everyone suffers?
#Pain
#Anoxal neuropathy
#relief
#vicodin
#PeripheralNeuropathy
So, a few weeks ago on a Saturday, I opened an email from the Department of Corrections State of Indiana for the past 20 years like I always do however to my surprise this email was different and was about to turn my world upside-down once again!
Twenty years ago, this October 21, 2004, my brother Jesse was murdered by his estranged wife (the monster). The monster shot him to death in his new apartment 💔 😢. The state of Indiana Prosecutor's office made a plea deal with my family knowledge. The plea was for 50 years in prison, only to serve 45 years. The monster had to serve half of 45 years and be on parole for five years. In Indiana, murders only have to serve half of the sentence time despite murdering productive citizens.
The email I received was informing that the monster's release date has drastically changed and is now being released November 5, 2024. This immediately caused me to spiral emotionally and mentally I could barely breathe. I immediately informed our Mom about the drastic change to the monster's release date. I immediately searched for the contact information for the state of Indiana Prosecutor's office and called to schedule a phone conference with a prosecutor.
I had my phone conference with a new prosecutor. Unfortunately, it wasn't the one who dealt with my brother's murder case. Apparently, everyone who worked during that time has retired, so I will never have my questions answered. The prosecutor was kind enough to speak with me and our Dad for over an hour. He tried to answer some legal questions we had. However, we are left with more questions than answers.
After that phone conversation, I received another letter from the Department of Corrections stating that the monster is requesting to be placed in a transition program instead of serving the rest of the sentence in prison. Unlike 20 years ago, the Department of Corrections in Indiana has provided my family the opportunity to send in statement letters to the court and the prosecutor's office in hopes of keeping the monster in prison longer.
Now, we are waiting to hear the decision from the courts in Indiana.
I do believe in "rehabilitation" for those in jail and prison. What I don't believe in is "good behavior." Reducing a monster sentence who murdered people should never happen! Except, in those circumstances of self-defense! (These are my personal opinions. Not open for a debate) Yes, I believe in this even if the monster was my family member. There are other ways of dealing with things in life besides murder.
My views on capital punishment changed dramatically after my brother was murdered. Before that day, I believed in.the death penalty and vengeance. However, after I received that phone call, I no longer believe in judicial death penalty for all. I actually spoke the words of forgiveness towards the monster who murdered my brother.
However, unlike what society says, "Time doesn't help with pain, sorrow, heartache 💔, and so on!" I have night terrors every night, I struggle mentally, emotionally, and physically, and the images of my brother's last day plays in my mind like a movie 24/7/365!
I'm struggling and don't know how to deal right now! Help me please 🙏🏽 😢 😭 💔
#Depression #anger #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Pain #Heartache #suffering
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I've been struggling with intense feelings of anxiety and anger almost all the time. These emotions are overwhelming, and I've been having suicidal thoughts. The fear of pain is the only thing that stops me from acting on these thoughts. Despite visiting numerous psychiatrists, I have never received a diagnosis. I feel lost and desperately need help to understand and cope with what I'm experiencing. #sad #Depression #Anxiety #Pain
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Hello family!!!
This Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage Month, embrace every dimension of us.
I always try to think about each one of us as a human, before race, or culture, or health issues, or all the other aspects of ourselves. It is not easy many times, of course, because we have a history, our journey, everything we have learned, all we see in media, etc, and that makes us assume something about a person.
I have been an honorary lesbian, an honorary woman, an honorary black woman, an honorary straight person, an honorary trans latine, etc etc, etc
What I've meant with this, is that at many events, conversation tables, literally I've been told I am an honorary guest, that for me, it means been accepted in the family, in the group, in the chat.
It is an honor when a person or a group opens their heart or doubts, or questions to me. For many, it is difficult to start a chat, approach someone, or simply and complicated been ourselves in front of others. So, when I feel accepted, or I see smiles reflecting back to me, or a touch, a hug, a business card, or a WELCOME to this event, especially when the focus is on a particular community, the moment is magical.
I've been at many zooms, or gatherings where I am sometimes the only man, or the only Latino, or the only gay person, etc, etc...and it can be scary, it can be amazing, or complicated, because YES, it's ME/YOU, our body with all the mixing what makes me Jesus Guillen, but also, the way society works, we are REPRESENTING all our parts in front of others who are different ( and of course, this difference at the end means we are EQUAL, but also accepting what makes us unique).
All I'm trying to say is: LET's CELEBRATE THIS MONTH OUR Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage, friends, allies, collaborators, and simply HUMANITY. As a Mexican, many might not know, that our indigenous background has also possibilities of Asian background. Even what has been known and found, it's that even our indigenous past music was more related to the notes used in Asian music than occidental melodies and sounds. Of course, that's another long conversation because most of it was destroyed, hum, the priests said it was music from the devil.
MORE THAN EVER WE NEED TO BE #Together
But, yes, at this moment, sending love, thanks, and healing energy to all my Asian American & Pacific Islander friends, allies, and in general THE COMMUNITY.
ALWAYS FIGHT FOR EACH OTHER, and for having a representation of the most possible colors of the rainbow at any event, group, and social media.
Anyone who wants to collaborate in a Zoom or an event, I am here. #Pain #Anxiety #Aging #LGBTQI #Isolation #Loneliness #Understanding ALL!
Affectionate me.
#equality #Inclusion #MentalHealth #Race #ethnicgroup #antistigma #againstageism #Hope
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I feel so exhausted and in pain. Again! I shouldn't really be surprised, because this a fact of life for me. But for the past six months it's been different and I can't figure it out. Is it the cerebral palsy? Could be. Is it my severe depression? Could be. Is it my anxiety? Could be. Is it the side effects from getting off of Cymbalta and Adderall? Could be. Is it an unbelievable amount of stress about being in Kansas? Could be. Is it all five mixed together? Could be. I don't know!
Yesterday, I went to my doctor's and had a conversation about all this. She said that she didn't know, either. Depression can cause exhaustion and pain, stress can too. She wants me to see a neurologist to get my Keppra (seizure med) levels, because if the levels are too high that can make me exhausted, too! She just doesn't know. (At least she was honest about it!).
The only thing I can think of to do is change my life - be more myself. How do I do that? Well, I could be more honest with myself and others, do the things I love to do and use what I have. It's the only plan I can come up with, so I'll start there. I'll simply have to work through my depression, exhaustion and pain to get things done - unless my intuition kicks in and wants me to do something else. I'm a big believer in following intuition - I just want to be more successful at it!
My doctor and I talked about something else that I'd love to tell you about, but that can keep for another time!
1 reaction By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.
Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.
My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.
Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.
Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.
find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.
You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.
take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house
therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.
And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.
I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.
Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?
I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.
im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.
#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty
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Lifetime with pain
Pin-pricked in pieces
battled set burning,
it’s raging increases.
It’s chronic,
it’s rare.
Flared Inflammation.
Body that failed…
Complete consummation-
It hindered my soul,
Downtrodden and low.
Withstanding the suffering,
It’s tussling wide loads.
Desperate cold nights
Him calling my name,
preserved me on weary
ignited the flame.
Jesus drew close,
For Him I am sure.
Through all of life sufferings
set me to endure.
The poking, the prodding,
the pain with no cure,
for Him in my body and soul-
I’m made pure.
Heavenly Father,
As you searched and centered my innermost core; my faith ignited your reflection.
Spoken into life to forever burn your kingdom light that kindles throughout my heart.
Resounding faith formed like these words…seen by the ones called, preserved, and understood-
His wisdom given in the Holy flame for present and future time.
That I burn-
When monitored you equipped me in palpable hope through Your sovereignty.
Let it resound its course of your reign!
Carry me through the locked chambers of suffering; for the harder the suffering, the higher your plan.
I yield my body and surrender for I know it is all for Your glory.
Father,
Your eternal word created the fire’s dance when shadows appeared consuming.
You poured your Holy anointing on my answered prayers to keep me burning through the endless nights of chronic pain.
That I burn-
Resuscitated from the smoke and suffocation when darkness lurked to extinguish me.
You received me on Holy ground like Moses and the burning bush.
I thank you for the immeasurable strength to walk upright in this purpose.
That I burn-
My light persevered!
Glory to God!
Sampled, probed, poked, and tested true!
Your name is magnified as my spirit burns in rhythm set to your timing.
In these recent few weeks I am recovering from my 2nd hip surgery (10 weeks post-op),
I have received 2 additional diagnoses.
I’ve had both Leg EMGs, left leg biopsies.
I also had an echocardiogram, heart monitor, pain pump maintenance, bloodwork, etc…
I have relentless burning in physical pain, but also my spirit is burning for the true message of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ!
That I burn-
and to God be the Glory!
Stay strong Mighty Warriors and burn on!
I pray for your strength to endure!
#MitochondrialDisease #sjogrens #PosturalOrthostaticTachycardiaSyndrome
#IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #HypothyroidismUnderactiveThyroidDisease #HashimotosThyroiditis #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #RareDisease #PeripheralNeuropathy #Pain pump patient
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