This photo shows a tree which produces large flowers before any leaves start growing in the spring. Later on, the petals splay apart and the flowers begin to look awkward and haphazard before disintegrating, falling to the ground, and decomposing.

If I am like this type of tree, and my trauma was the winter season, I feel as if what seemed to be "post-traumatic growth" (i.e. the flowers) in my life is now just a sodden, decomposing mass on the ground. Was it real? Was I really moving on, growing, giving back, gaining perspective? Or was it just some kind of "false spring" that tricked me into blooming and then killed all my flowers with another frost?

Somehow having had this positive period (several years ago now) makes where I'm at now feel even worse. Having experienced what felt like positive effects of my trauma (increased empathy, better boundaries, new opportunities, etc.), having hope, and seeing potential in my future feels like a liability now instead of a gift. All I can think now is that my possessions, privilege, and life should just be given to someone else who can make better use of them than I apparently can. I feel like I am just using up resources and wasting opportunities that someone else needs and probably wants a lot more than I do.

I guess it's a symptom of depression when even positive things feel bad.

#Depression #Anxiety #MentalHealth #Trauma #PosttraumaticGrowth #metaphor #SuicidalThoughts #Hope #hopeless