The Miscarriage That Never Ends

I have not written a blog since my surgery; I have journaled and that has helped, but that format is very different. I tried to write blogs multiple times, my phone is filled with incomplete sentences and ideas never followed up on; but, I have not been able to write about much in this setting other than this experience. I have been absolutely unable to find any supports online, regarding this specific, rare diagnosis. I will start sharing the basics thus far, the physical stuff, the science behind what is happening, but then I will write about the cloudy areas, the gray areas and the emotional stuff nobody gets.

Three months later, I finally do not need weekly blood work. Three months later, I have three more months of getting blood work monthly to ensure no cancer has grown. Three months more and then we can … hopefully … breathe again. The last three months have been one big inhale, waiting for permission to exhale. My body went through, continues to go through, the typical afterbirth process … minus a child. I have had hair loss … I am not comfortable wearing my hair up. I have gained and lost weight, I don’t recognize this body I am existing in. I have been diagnosed with postpartum depression, I have had suicidal ideations unlike anything I have experienced before. I have had postpartum anxiety, I am fearful of even more irrational things than previously. Needless to say, every day, week and month has been some new twist and turn on this roller coaster I did not pay admission for (as Michael would say, “I want to get off of Mr. bones’ wild ride”).

So, scientifically, this all makes sense. This is normal, and expected and hormonally explainable. But, as a real living human, this is awful. This sucks, this is unexplainable torment I would not wish upon a single soul on this earth.

I took a pregnancy test today. I doubted it would show anything, but I am fearful my hormones are increasing without my knowing. I am fearful cancer is just growing quietly and violently. I have been feeling poorly, emotionally and physically (despite multiple sclerosis (MS) symptoms) and I have not gotten a period (again, my period has always been irregular so this is not indicative of literally anything). But last night I had an overwhelming feeling of nausea and illness and fatigue out of nowhere. It felt similar to when I was pregnant. These unpredictable, unexplainable physical sensations (again MS is not helpful in determining what is the cause) are confusing and overwhelming and fear inducing. So, I took a pregnancy test since my blood work is not due for days yet.

It was negative. I should not have taken that … 100% rationally I knew it would be negative, I knew…know I am nowhere near pregnant. But, emotionally, seeing that one line ripped my heart out again and sent a pit in my stomach so deep I felt I had fallen right though the floor. Why did I take a pregnancy test today? That is one example of what I feel, the continued grief and confusion, and the unending anger that unconsciously bubbles over the top when unexpected.

I have noticed, more recently, an unusual amount of anger and resentment towards every day life and I feel completely and utterly drained by it. Maybe that is why I am writing this, to help me work through letting it go; or maybe to validate that I am not an absolute “crazy” woman. Either way, I recognize that my molar pregnancy was a loss. A huge loss I am still working to even wrap my head around. Therefore, my doctor was not wrong in calling this the miscarriage that continues. Each time I have a test done I am reminded of the misery. Each time I have a thought, or hear about pregnancy, or have a mood swing, I am reminded of my loss. Each time I feel diminished, invalidated or alone, I am reminded of the fear these last three months have brought to my life.

Typical of my blog form, I am seeking a positive note to end this on, I am looking for the silver lining. I am not seeking to produce some one liner, some toxic positivity based mantra that serves to invalidate and clear all thoughts of suffering. In doing so, I am working to recognize that I have space for many emotions and I have room to carry every thought and feeling that arises. Good things do continue to happen to me, I do find joy throughout the moments I am experiencing. I have created a more mindful routine, journaling and yoga-ing more often. I have been a top-notch advocate for what I need professionally, personally, medically and emotionally, and I continue to practice healthy communication and understanding in my marriage and hopefully all of my relationships; especially the one I have with myself. I continue to raise a beast of a fur-baby, clean delicious fall themed meals and try new coffee recipes. And, importantly, I am working on managing and accepting the depression that comes from day to day.

Today is a bad day, I know that this is OK. Tomorrow will be good, or bad, and that is OK as well. The most powerful thing that has come from this chaos is my acceptance, or my return to acceptance, of the day-to-day and the small nourishing things I can do when the day-to-day is not what I hope it to be.