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Seeking Hope After Multiple Miscarriages

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This morning I woke up at 7 a.m. and was disappointed to already be starting my day. I was really hoping I would just sleep through most of it, so I could avoid dealing with the next 24 hours.

On Saturday I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy and immediately told a few people. On Monday my fertility doctor sent me in to do blood work. Everything looked good, but they wanted to monitor my HCG levels every 48 hours because of my history with miscarriages.

On Wednesday I was told my HCG level only went up seven points when it should have gone up by 70. The nurse called to say she was sorry, but this looks like another abnormal pregnancy.

When I hung up the phone, I fell to my knees. I cried as hard as I could on the floor until my husband helped me calm down. I kept thinking, why did I let myself get excited again? I had only been pregnant for a few days, and I already downloaded every pregnancy app available. I even bought maternity leggings. I desperately wanted this time to be different. I started praying and meditating every day to calm my anxiety about things going wrong. I wanted so badly to believe this time was it.

I ended up going to the hospital after she called. The last time I miscarried everything went wrong, and I ended up losing my left ovary and fallopian tube. This time around I didn’t want to take any chances. I was scared it could be ectopic, and my fallopian tube could be at risk. They did an ultrasound but couldn’t see anything and told me to come back in two days to repeat my HCG levels. But they never used the word miscarriage. They sent me home with a packet about abdominal pain during pregnancy, which seemed pretty unrelated to why I was there. I really didn’t have much pain, and I haven’t even started bleeding. But my HCG levels raised too slow for things to be normal.

This happened yesterday. Tomorrow I’ll go repeat my blood work to get more information. But today, I’m just crawling out of my skin with anxiety. If I had already started to miscarry, I would cuddle up in bed with a bottle of wine and cry until I’m numb. Maybe do that for a few days, but then I would pick myself up and prepare to try again. If I was told things were abnormal, but there’s still a chance this could happen, then I would pray and stay positive. But for now, I’m in this awful limbo where I need to wait and see what happens.

And what happens after tomorrow? How many times can I put myself through this? Yeah, it’s great that I’m ovulating, but why can’t my body hold a pregnancy? Luckily I live in a state where infertility treatments are covered by my health insurance, but if I’m able to get pregnant can they even help?

I know there are many other women out there struggling with similar experiences. I’d love to know any tips or tricks you may have for persevering and having faith. Is there a good quote, article or prayer that keeps you going? Maybe a comforting routine that helps you grieve. I’d love to hear any advice or experiences you’d like to share. Sending love and hope to all of you.

Getty image by fizkes

Originally published: October 16, 2019
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