I will…and I suffer #acutedepression #dysthemia
Don't know why and how...nothing i mean nothingseems to go right for me. And the misery,troubles that i'm subject to seems to be happening merely because I'm alive and i just about bring to bear my presence in this world. Over the years, right from my childhood in fact I cannot but help
recognizing a pattern - a method (not just me but even my ailing and aging mother) drawing ire & jinx and jinx which is so intense and deep leading to acute despair. I have been a failure notwithstanding the many risks i took, not being easily discouraged, who sought to move forward ...but today with 2/3 of life gone and completely prostrate, I cannot but see how life itself has been nothing more than a sadistic conspiracy. Like my very corporeal presence in the world without even doing anything, talking or acting i
precipitate causality, being subjected to overwhelming crisis, anxieties, pain, & anguish. It seems crisis and calamities are rather entwined into my very being... something like an inherited genetic flaw in my stars, a karmic curse that plagues me &
my mother every moment of our breath and action. And all this when i'm alone, no spouse, kids, barely have a social life and mostly confined indoors. And even when i go out for a drive or coffee i'm on my own.
I'm so scared of socializing lest i draw the fury of my accursed fate to play out its sadistic machinations on me. It seems i'm sinning by merely bringing my presence to reckon and then be subjected to further humiliation, disgust and agony. I just don't want to get up in the morning...wish i would just die...bringing such torturous misery to an end…#Misery #misfortune #corporeal #suicidalldeation #Depression