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I will…and I suffer #acutedepression #dysthemia

Don't know why and how...nothing i mean nothingseems to go right for me. And the misery,troubles that i'm subject to seems to be happening merely because I'm alive and i just about bring to bear my presence in this world. Over the years, right from my childhood in fact I cannot but help
recognizing a pattern - a method (not just me but even my ailing and aging mother) drawing ire & jinx and jinx which is so intense and deep leading to acute despair. I have been a failure notwithstanding the many risks i took, not being easily discouraged, who sought to move forward ...but today with 2/3 of life gone and completely prostrate, I cannot but see how life itself has been nothing more than a sadistic conspiracy. Like my very corporeal presence in the world without even doing anything­, talking or acting i
precipitate causality, being subjected to overwhelming crisis, anxieties, pain, & anguish. It seems crisis and calamities are rather entwined into my very being... something like an inherited genetic flaw in my stars, a karmic curse that plagues me &
my mother every moment of our breath and action. And all this when i'm alone, no spouse, kids, barely have a social life and mostly confined indoors. And even when i go out for a drive or coffee i'm on my own.
I'm so scared of socializing lest i draw the fury of my accursed fate to play out its sadistic machinations on me. It seems i'm sinning by merely bringing my presence to reckon and then be subjected to further humiliation, disgust and agony. I just don't want to get up in the morning...wish i would just die...bringing such torturous misery to an end…#Misery #misfortune #corporeal #suicidalldeation #Depression

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distraught, agitated and glum

Had a painful divorce... which i didn’t want. My barely functional and very sick wife unable to see me suffer and grieve severed our relationship. Pleading and repeated assurances, promises and apologies for unintended guilt of omissions and commissions over two years all came to naught.

You can imagine... it has actually only compounded my grief and misery. we were once seen as an ideal couple and did so many wonderful things together and were so deeply in love. was so invested in her and our relationship that to see anything other and worthwhile in me is an impossibility and... 😢 i now live with a terrible sense of guilt and shame

In my early fifties, no kids and no siblings. Feel terribly wounded by my extended family who took me for a laughing stock much of my life and merciless in judging and ergo I practically have no connections with them. Most friends too hearing and knowing my sad story and guess many holding me responsible for my misery richly deserving, keep a distance and indeed i’m myself loath to talk much...a sense of indifference, fear, vulnerability overpowers me. I have an aging 83 old mother for company who is senile and barely cognizant of my emotional turmoil and grief. Further a restlessness, uneasiness engulfs me and find it difficult to concentrate on any task. Counseling and medicines just barely keep me functional... With all the energy and motivation i can draw from deep inside, i crawl... My wife’s pain, her cries and suffering I still feel and experience, gutting me... Feel terribly alone, shameful, humiliated and want to end it all...😢
#acutedepression #shamed #Loss #Loneliness #SuicidalThoughts #failure #Humiliation

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overpowering Inertia and fear

Want to do something... to move on from the horrendous trauma and hurt i have faced over the last few years. I see that to remain social, ‘normal’, one has to be seen to be proactive, positive and confident. Particularly in the time and age we live, one is judged by such attributes... and more - chutzpah, glibness, suaveness and the successes and supreme accomplishments you can rake in....Sine qua non as these are. I rarely had success in such terms and for most part i was not really into such trajectories. At times consumed by such anxieties somehow i made my peace with what i did and what i had... however little or seemingly insignificant. After all it’s the meanings you make of situations that matters and not flawed societal yardsticks.

But life gave me little latitude and was severe on me when now i remain hollowed out with complete death of my spirit and soul. Society can gloat .

Not just past experience but daily routines i confront here and now itself becomes one of gambits and zero sum game situations where stacks emerge so much against my being, my sanity, my sense of well being, my will and my abilities. In the past where notwithstanding my ill fated destiny i nevertheless tried tackled life and the situations - mostly serving me only Hobson’s choice - with some gusto and verve. I was just being positive and being in the moment, heeding and acknowledging in effect a refrain of ‘being life positive and joyful living’ served by many a worthies.

Today i’m totally eviscerated. Beaten, broken and badgered.

Under circumstances try what I might, attempt and even do... the greater possibility of defeat, loss, rejection, exclusion, being the leitmotif underwriting my existence, is so real, frightening and potent. I remain mired in despondency, fear and shame. In fact given the context of my life history i don’t think this is a mere delusion but a realization. Death is certainly the credible of relieving option if not redemption.😔 #FailureToThrive #failedlife #SuicidalThoughts #Loneliness #acutedepression #hurt #Fear