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Intrusive thoughts which infect the mind

I have a intrusive thoughts which infect my mind and make it difficult to concentrate. They start the minute I wake up and do not cease until I go back to sleep. I have many hobbies and try to keep my mind occupied but the evil thoughts replay over and over.

When I was physically assaulted over ten years ago I never thought that I would continue to experience flashbacks and trauma from the incident. I have been in fights before and thought it would become another distant memory of something unfortunate. My experience has been completely different and I am stuck in a never ending loop of sorrow and pity.

The attack causes me major mental health issues that I can't move on from. I am stuck in a negative cycle of pain and suffering. The image of the attack repeats in my mind. I see the faceless images of multiple attackers and the fear of reliving the incident is ever present. I am afraid of what's in store for me as I battle to focus on what's important.

It is difficult to describe the incident as it involves anger, betrayal and resentment. The only thing I know for sure is that it leaves me empty and insecure. These people purposefully sought to hurt me and they were successful.

I hate to say it but my mental health has deteriorated to the point where I am miserable. I hate my life and I am aware of the holes I keep digging are damaging me further. I blame my mother and father for a lot of my problems whether it is their fault or not. They did their best but had unrealistic expectations and when I was unable to achieve the impossible goals they had set for me I spiralled in to a deep depression.

This depression has followed me for years and the more I let it control my life - the more pain it causes me. I have never dealt with any of the negative emotions that fill my mind. I bottled everything up and pretended I was fine. I am at the point where I don't see anything improving and I want to hurt the few people I have left.

I really wish I could end on something positive but my life has become a merry go round of pain, sorrow and regret. I hate myself in more ways than one and I need help but the road to recovery is fraught with feelings of guilt and resentment.

EDIT: I am fully aware that my posts are very much a pity party. I am hurting inside and just desperately want to feel better.

#Depression #Misery #Sadness #hurt #Pain #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #feelings #unhappy #Relationships #Friendship #Love #Trauma #PTSD #challenges #Life #Death #advertisy #friend #peace #Emotion #flasback #Lettinggo #scar #regret #compassion #Thoughts #Mindfulness #Anxiety #reserved #Respect #peace

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The great fear of even a tiny sliver of hope…

A kin of mine empathizing with my loss, failure, shame and implicitly recognizing the legitimacy of my grief and depression and also possibly figuring there indeed could be something of worth in my professional experience, is trying to help
me out. But why am i not enthused? Indeed i'm scared...if my past is anythingto go by having been so comprehensively undone - repeated and vicious jinxes, calamitous setbacks and humiliating
failures, I'm so devoid of hope, faith & trust
in all its entirety. More so anything involving bringing my 'being' into equation...particularly interacting with others, reaching out, engaging both at personal and professional level all went south and the outcome left a stench of such putridity that continues to leave me with a sense of revulsion and self loathing. Indeed most of my friends and kins too in similar disgust, probably seeing my misery as my just desserts have abandoned me to nurse my grief, shame and loss in complete loneliness. Even as my cousin finger holds me to face up to something new, I’m gripped by fear…am i nuts or what given the one big learning from my sorry life is that it doesn’t take much for the powers that be to bedevil me? And by powers I mean even a two year old and the otherwise most wretched can easily cast their worst on me. Let me not even bring the almighty here. Those who have followed my earlier posts would know how much of despair, anguish and lament I’m filled with and the insurmountable difficultly I have coming to terms with my new normal. Can i take another lashing on my deeply lacerated mind and soul?😟
#wishmeluck #despair #Anxiety #Fear #Shame #Misery

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I will…and I suffer #acutedepression #dysthemia

Don't know why and how...nothing i mean nothingseems to go right for me. And the misery,troubles that i'm subject to seems to be happening merely because I'm alive and i just about bring to bear my presence in this world. Over the years, right from my childhood in fact I cannot but help
recognizing a pattern - a method (not just me but even my ailing and aging mother) drawing ire & jinx and jinx which is so intense and deep leading to acute despair. I have been a failure notwithstanding the many risks i took, not being easily discouraged, who sought to move forward ...but today with 2/3 of life gone and completely prostrate, I cannot but see how life itself has been nothing more than a sadistic conspiracy. Like my very corporeal presence in the world without even doing anything­, talking or acting i
precipitate causality, being subjected to overwhelming crisis, anxieties, pain, & anguish. It seems crisis and calamities are rather entwined into my very being... something like an inherited genetic flaw in my stars, a karmic curse that plagues me &
my mother every moment of our breath and action. And all this when i'm alone, no spouse, kids, barely have a social life and mostly confined indoors. And even when i go out for a drive or coffee i'm on my own.
I'm so scared of socializing lest i draw the fury of my accursed fate to play out its sadistic machinations on me. It seems i'm sinning by merely bringing my presence to reckon and then be subjected to further humiliation, disgust and agony. I just don't want to get up in the morning...wish i would just die...bringing such torturous misery to an end…#Misery #misfortune #corporeal #suicidalldeation #Depression


Feelings of envy and depression

For the last three weeks, I’ve been dealing with yet another work injury, but this time it’s upper body; entirely pulled my latisimis dorsi muscle. I’m so freaking done. I know that this is my life and I have to deal with the aspect that my body will not allow me to be as physically inclined as others are. I legit cannot afford a lower paying full time job as a cashier somewhere. I’m trying to move out (finally) with my boyfriend of almost 5 years and I’m no going to throw that away. I thought about getting disability, but then again I can’t because of the abundance of lawyers I’d need. It’s just every time something starts to go right in my life, something else comes back around to make everything worse again. My medical condition is the one thing keeping me back from destroying my depression. I envy those who can do whatever; I know I’m not as bad as some other people are limitation wise, but to me with what I wanna do is killing my youth. I feel like I have the body of a 50 year-old woman and the mental stability of…well.. I’m not too sure tbh. I just want help finding solutions and kind of plan out what I need to do in order to feel better. I feel like it’s getting harder to stay positive. #Anxiety #Depression #Independence #help #BodyPositive #Misery #Adulting


Now to manage chronic pain?

So I haven’t yet been officially been diagnosed with crps, but I have many of the symptoms. I have come to contact with several neurologists, so hopefully I get answers soon. I have had pain now for almost 3 years. I was totally normal, then I was grabbing my suitcase from a high night, and I stretched to get it, and that’s when all my pain began. I thought I ruptured my gallbladder, that region of my abdomen is the origin of all my pain I experience today. For a while, I thought I had gallstones. I went to doctors, and emergency rooms so many times. I have had an unbelievable amount of ct scans, c-rays, and ultrasound scans, all over my body. Nothing came up. I had a HIDA scan done to my gallbladder, that test came back fine. My pain came and went for over 2 years. Around New Years, my pain then extended from my upper right abdomen, and caused parathesia in my back, shoulders, and arms. In April, I went on gabapentin for my pain, it took my pain levels down, though it never disappeared. By mid July, my pain came back like how I remembered from the winter. Now over the last 3 weeks, it’s intensified to levels I have never experienced before. Now it feels like a combo of being skinned alive, then set on fire, and then being tortured with a sander. I have upped my dosage of gabapentin, added cbd oil, and gummies, as well as ibuprofen, Tylenol, aspirin, as well as prednisone. I also try magnesium and vitamin b12, not one of these things bring me any relief. I’m in so much pain every moment of the day, I now mostly stay in bed. I’m 24 years old, unemployed, in my parents house, and cannot contribute financially, I had plans to start nursing school this fall, which is safe to say that will no longer happen. I am seeing all my peers getting into relationships, getting into careers, and buying homes. All the while I feel so hopeless. The pain has made me very hopeless and depressed. I now feel like I will never achieve any of those goals my peers have. The only thing I have going for me is decades longer of pain, and that thought breaks me everything I think that way. This is no way to live my life. I cannot go on another 55 or so years with this misery. I’d rather end it, and die young, so I will no longer be tortured by physical pain, and being tortured by seeing everyone fulfilling their dreams, and goals, while I can’t stand the feel of clothes on my body. I really need to hear advice from someone. #Pain #IfYouFeelHopeless #Depression #dispair #Misery #depressed #ChronicPain #SuicidalThoughts #Suicide


How to manage chronic pain?

So I’ll be clear, I have not yet been diagnosed with crps. I have contacted several neurologists so hopefully I can get in. I’ve had pain for several years, started in my abdomen. I thought I ruptured my gallbladder, and after years of ct scans, ultrasounds, and x-rays. My pain cycled on and off for 2 1/2 years. Right around New Years my pain that I believed to be from gallbladder has spread to the rest of my abdomen, and back, and top of right leg. I had parasthesia that traveled up my back, and spread to my arms, and right leg. I saw another doctor in April, was prescribed gabapentin, which lessened the pain, never completely went away. By mid July, my pain had came back to exactly to how I remembered it over the winter. Over the last 3 weeks, the pain now feels worse than ever before. Pain has spread to my left leg now, I feel like I’m constantly burning all over my body all day, I upped my dosage of gapapentin, and now I’m also on cbd oil and gummies, as well as magnesium and vitamin b12, as well as ipuprofen, tylonel, and aspirin. Absolutely none of these work. know spend most of my life in bed. I had plans to start nursing school in October. Now I lay in bed at my parents house. I’m 24, unemployed, single, and very depressed. I see all my peers in relationships, careers, and moving on. This pain has made me extremely hopeless that those dreams will never come true to me. I feel this pain has ended my life, I feel I will never be able to achieve any goal ever again. I feel like I’ll always feel like I’ll be constantly on fire all the time. This is no way to live the rest of my life. I see absolutely no hope whatsoever. I’d end my life before living another 55 years with this pain. I really need advice please. # pain #depsessed #hopeless #Depression #Misery #Pain #ComplexRegionalPainSyndrome #SuicidalThoughts

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The look of grief...

Defeat, grief, shame and more... it doesn’t make a pretty picture... no shoulder to cry on, no soul to commiserate... brutal fate, unforgiving jinx keeps piling its agonies reducing me to a heap like this... somebody please send me a hug...😭
#Misery #Shame #Grief #failure #Loneliness #SuicidalThoughts


The source of humor #Laugh #Humor #Misery #downinthedumps

Mark Twain said that the secret source of humor isn’t joy it’s sadness.. I should be killing it in stand up I’m so sad.. life is so brutally challenging I’m so ground down.. and having my semiannual oncologist visit isn’t helping the mood #cowdens #Caregiver #HealthCare #Work #Lonesome

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How selfish.

How selfish can you be for hoping things will turn out okay... even though they do not 99.9% of the time. Constantly trying to say positive, saying is it my turn now?

What is the point of life? To keep hitting brick walls, to continue to climb up those hills. To be so tired all the time, why keep going? I don’t get it.... I’m just so tired of feeling like this.

However, the only thing I hold on to is hope for a better day. I don’t know how or why I survive this & have the willpower to keep going, I question it multiple times a day, but there has to be a point? There has to be light at the end of the tunnel, else why put me through these horrid things?

#Depression #Misery #Hope

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Mood hack #Misery #Pain #Caregiver #Parenting #cowdens #anxious

My mood was rotten, my life felt awful, my body felt awful, come to think of it everything seemed awful. I wanted a mood boost. I didn’t want to spend money. I bought a shower curtain with pretty scenery and hung it up. It’s soothing and lovely. It was only 17$!