The useful and uselessness of my medications
been on medications for God knows how many years…life served me lemons, barbs, and cast all my pathways - personal, professional, social not just with thorns but with land mines - i got blown, mauled, broken to bits and reduced to rag-tag living. My depression, lows and anxiety were caused not because matters were not firing up in my brain but by repeated debilitating circumstances playing outside assaulting my sense of well being and dignity repeatedly and constantly over the years.
Till recently I did not realize it and always assumed that the lows and setbacks I faced through my life was only temporary and I will soon get over them and better days will ensue . How wrong I was! My entire life has been a litany of failures, missed chances and assaults. I only fear it getting worse and excruciatingly severe.
Though many keep assailing anti depressants for its suspect efficacy, it’s only the two-three tablets i take daily (plus sedatives) that has kept me functional. But nothing of my accursed circumstances have changed - nothing gives. I continue to be ignored, passed by, dismissed at best or subject to humiliation, ridicule, abuse and digs at worse. Then more direly any interface i have with people and world, where I bring myself into certain reckoning, bring my self to bear upon the world, everything jinxes, backfires and boomerangs leaving me bruised, prostrate and hollowed out. I therefore avoid socializing. I did somehow corralled my agitated self to attend a retreat but my isolation was only amplified even as i was in a group and pretending to be normal.
Those who know me here and have followed me would know my sense of embarrassment and guilt of being a miserable failure as a care giver. My extremely sick wife let me go. It wasn’t my decision, I love/d her - what a wonderful, resilient and endearing soul she is - but does that matter? I couldn’t do much for her and my presence was not helping her. I lost so much more…so much, so immense, so invaluable…a dream, a possibility, a life🤦🏽 The brutal shame of it all…that I endure every other moment & day.😢
The medicines coats my brain and kind of anesthesises it to my grief, agony and despair. However nothing has changed effectively but only becoming worse as I nurse my pain, loss, grief in splendid isolation with none of my kins and pals seeing much validity in my tumults & possibly seeing my suffering as my deserved comeuppance.
the urge to stop my medicines, and suicide is just so compelling…
My little canine- my soul and sole companion - wonder what will happen to it when gone…😢😔
if anyone here want to connect do leave a message…🙏🏽