momma

The strongest/weakest person you'll ever met. My heart wants to be free while my mind has me locked in a cage. My borderline personality wants to punish me. Fear of abandonment makes me panic. Sometimes I even isolate the mother in me. A chemical imbalance I can't explain. Depression doesn't like to play, so sometimes my kids have to pay. Anxiety pushes everyone away. So disconnected from the inner me, delirious from lack of sleep I'll go days forgetting to eat. The blood reminds me it's real, protecting my scars from all to see! One day the cut will be to deep. Emotions I can't control, angry out bust bring me peace. God I'm begging you help me find peace. So hear I am you're presence I seek, laying my mental illness at your feet! I don't want you to bare them as your own, I'm not wishing them on someone else!! I'm simply asking for your help. Today is bright an who knows I could get lucky and see the sunshine the next week or two, but when that light starts to fade be with me!! Theses demons are evil... insecurities they seek, mental illness has become the prey!! Satan get stronger with every soul he claims! Be with me when living and dying look the same! Wrap your arms around me because most days in the dark I feel safe.

*Borderline personality
*intermittent explosive disorder
*Panic attack
*Anxiety
*Depression
*PTSD

Sorry. This is long. But I need to get this off my chest.

My daughter is 16 yrs old. She will be 17 in 2 months. She is bipolar. This poor kid is too sensitive for this world. She is so sweet, compassionate, thoughtful, talented. She is really beautiful inside and out. She is struggling with the anxiety more then the depression. I noticed her behavior changing last week. I asked her why she looked extremely high. I asked if she had been drinking. She said no. I said I know something is going on. I NEVER expected this from my WILLOW. that is what I’ve always called her. Because she is my weeping Willow.

Friday something told me to check my pills. I ALWAYS count and, usually hide my alprozolem. I was in a hurry when I filled my pills. And tossed the med in my bag.

Friday night I KNEW something wasn’t right. Something told me to check my pills. I hide the pills from others. Never thought I would need to hide them from my daughter. But Six of my pills were gone. I was pissed. But somehow I didn’t yell, scream, cry just stated facts. But I was relentless with my question. WHO STOLE 6 of MY PILLS. I SAID nothing more. Where are my pills. Who stole my pills. FINALLY. She told me she took them. We immediately went to the hospital. And oh boy, was I in for a surprise. He behavior was over the top. She screamed, cried and said anything hateful she could to me. But, I never crumbled. Stayed firm and never showed her any emotions nor was I was combative. I made sure to tell her that I loved her and we can get through this. But I wasn’t responding to her negative attitude. She is in a facility 2 hours away from me. She misses me and has never been away from me for long periods of time. I know this is what she needs.

I pray and ask for prayers that she will find her inner strength and find healthy ways of dealing with her bipolar and anxiety

#mommahulkvsfibro
#momma hilkvsDDD
#mommahulkvsbipokar
#mommahulkvsendometreosis