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#Life #YarnCollector

Hello everyone, I'm spending some time in the basement today, focusing on my knitting and experimenting with TikTok Live. I understand that TikTok can spark varied opinions, but I've found ways to navigate the noise effectively. I'm eagerly anticipating my final shipment of the semester. My yarn cubbies are all filled up, and I want to maintain a tranquil space without the need for excessive purchases. I'm excited about the opportunity to knit more this year, especially after my recent decluttering and restocking. I now have a wonderful selection of yarn that I'm eager to use. I recognize that many people are enthusiastic about shopping, especially with rewards and promotions, but as someone in my mid-40s, I've witnessed the ebb and flow of stores over the years. There will always be a place for yarn enthusiasts. While I understand the importance of feeling yarn before buying it to assess quality—a sentiment I share—I also appreciate the brands I am familiar with and trust for their consistent quality. #yarn #MentalHealth

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Facing the giants in life. #Fear #courage #challenges #Life #Happiness

Stop for a moment and reflect through the years of all the challenges you have faced, overcome, achieved; or perhaps...got the best of you. Acknowledge just how different each circumstance could have been different just based on courage or lack of, and positive or negative actions you chose.

Our own self-esteem, fears, and even our ego is truly the largest giant we will ever face in life. Many times we beat ourselves by our own fears, etc. before any other giant ever have a chance. None of the giants we face can ever beat us, if we let them. We often times make situations harder for us to over come simply because of these things. Think of an extreme case where someone has commit suicide, and sadly, how truly it was the giants within them that beat them. No matter what giants come your way, life will go on. And no matter what, you can simply choose to beat those giants, including the ones within you. Yes, there is a lot of turmoil, misfortunes, sorrow, and hate in the world. But none of these will ever out weigh all of God's goodness, joy, and love in our lives...

With lack of self-esteem and fears, we reluctantly move forward because we are afraid of the outcome. Simply put, we are afraid of the unknown. And afraid of ourselves and what we can accomplish or achieve. And in this case if we needed to hire a body guard, we wouldn't choose ourselves because we have no confidence or trust in ourselves. When in fact, it should be the opposite; if there was anyone to choose from, one should trust his own judgment, power, and strength more than anyone else.

So what is the outcome that you are afraid of? And do you really think that if you approach this fear head on that you will lose in the long run? Sure it may be difficult, and it may even take several tries. But it is not the victories that determine our true ability and strength in life. Instead it is really the concept of approaching the fears itself that is what makes you strong and victorious.

Embrace those fears. What ever it is you fear, it is of great meaning and importance to you. Instead of allowing those fears to rule over you, stagnate you, or sabotage your opportunities, choose to be courageous and take the actions necessary to move yourself past them. The more you practice fighting against the fears, the easier it gets each time.

Truly, fear can be a good thing depending on how you choose to use it. It is with fear that you acknowledge something important that you need to face in life in order to move yourself forward in a positive direction. Courage is driven by fear. Courage is the strength and will to move forward and past those fears, despite those fears. Without fear, you would have nothing to be courageous about.

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The nights are the worst 09-05-24

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty

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Behind the Smile hides a Sea of Secrets

#imagine your #Life as a #different person. Imagine that you do not have a #MentalHealth condition that affects your everyday life. Think about it. Would you really be #happier by being Not You? I do not think so.

#everybody has #Problems , this is a phrase we hear a lot. It seems to minimize your own issues and make it seem as though someone else's means more #severe than your own concerns.

We are #luckier than most but not as lucky as some. That's another phrase an ex boyfriend once told me. I believe it. I may be #struggling to make #sense of things, but it will not make me #stop #Trying to do the right thing.

What are your #Thoughts ?

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I just wanna scream

#scream is something that would feel #good right now... But will it #help ?? I have been #struggling a lot and it has not been the #best #Feeling ever. Tonight I went over my recent #Events of #Life and thought that perhaps I had fell behind somehow.

I am #Trying to see what is #True !

What can I do to feel better about this #Job life? (And trying to find something more meaningful).

Please #helpme

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