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The nights are the worst 09-05-24

By societies standards, I should feel great. I should be grateful than my life was saved. I should be thankful that nurses and doctors put hours and hours of labor into my corpse and I am grateful but I do also feel guilty. I don’t want them to feel like their work was all in vain, but at the same time I struggle but I don’t struggle like people would think that I’d struggle I don’t have issues with money. My wife left me two weeks in the hospital stay so I no longer have relationship issues although it was a toxic relationship and kind of glad I don’t have those issues.

Of course, the loneliness of things sets in. The nights bring memories of things I did in my past that were fun times spent with friends now time spent with my ex-wife where we weren’t fighting and things were good.

My uncle left me his house of which I now live in, which would be a blessing if he hadn’t passed away here if I hadn’t found him in this house if the walls didn’t reek of my uncle. Every night here is torture. Knowing what happened what suffering took place here.

Im in pain, not physically but mentally emotionally I don’t know what to do. I want to run but I don’t know where to? crawl out of my skin.

Ive felt many pains over the last few years, but never the pain of what I feel now, I feel I’m one step closer to going catatonic. Life’s finally broken me, people tell me to get out, where do I go? And no offense I don’t want to be around other people like this.

find a hobby they say, what? At the moment in life I enjoy nothing.

You’re just being difficult they say, you don’t value how lucky you are. No I know how lucky I am however my luck came with a curse. Money can’t cure my heart, money can’t bring me happiness. Money can’t find me companionship or connection that lasts longer than a day.

take a trip, where? I don’t want to leave my house

therapy, I’ve tried several, they don’t tell me anything I haven’t already thought about myself in my mind.

And believe me I feel like I’ve tried all of the above, why I may have had fleeting instances of joy and happiness soon I had to come back to reality.

I’ve tried the medication I take 15 different ones for my heart my physical pains I was left with, my kidneys liver just about everything, I have a partially artificial heart and a machine that keeps my heart beating. I’m covered in scars from the vampire scars on my throat where the ventilator was and the medicine tube was, down ny chest and the xxs on my stomach and back I had lines coming out of for months.

Whats wrong with me? Have I just come to the end of my road?

I apologize for these jumbled thoughts they’re from a mind of a sleep deprived individual who’s barely hanging on by a thread.

im not even sure if im looking for some inspiration that might help or save me as I’m not sure there’s much left to say or do that could help that already hasn’t been said I think I’m just leaving these notes so if by some stroke of magic change happens and everything turns around I can look back and remember where I came from. Or if i simply can’t carry the weight anymore at least I’ll have said something and my friend and family will have closure, they’ll at least know how much i suffered inside and that im free and onto greener pastures.

#Suicide #Depression #self #alone #Pain #Life #Journal #PTSD #Broken #empty

(edited)
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#Suicide and #silence : #MightyTogether We Can Save A Life

Following this group’s leader’s “Elephant in the Room” first topic, let’s discuss suicide…as a preventive approach to the act of ending one’s life.

Two deadly enemies: suicide and silence. When discussing suicide openly it then becomes exposed. However, when it remains hidden, it festers.

Silence fuels suicide.

And those of us, like myself, who suffer with suicidal ideation (thoughts) tend to fuel this way of thinking by dismissing the logic of sharing our pain with others because it is easier to convince ourselves that we will only bother them if we call, especially during a suicidal ideation attack.

The act of silencing ourselves and the act of not openly and publicly discussing suicidal thoughts thus fuels that dark way of thinking. But exposure to this (now) common issue—that MANY people are experiencing—allows us to freely express ourselves, in person, virtually, or on social media writing platforms.

Basically, how about if we vastly expose the reality of suicidal ideation so that those of us who suffer with these thoughts can freely say, “Hey, I am struggling with thoughts of ending my life” without any hesitation. Swiftly exposing those thoughts allow us to release the weight of those dark thoughts that govern our minds in the midst of the suicidal thought’s storm.

Honestly, which is easier to do: respond to the vulnerable suicidal ideation person who exposes their dark thoughts before the act, or posting an emoji on a Facebook post that informs the world that our friend took their life?

Let’s #Talk about #Suicide and that #MentalHealth issue so that our conversations become the preventative vaccination for the act of suicide. Too many people are giving in to this disease of the mind:

An estimated 703 000 people die by suicide worldwide each year. Over one in every 100 deaths (1.3%) in 2019 was the result of suicide. The global suicide rate is over twice as high among men than women
(https://www.iasp.info › WSPD
Global Suicide Statistics - IASP; 3.19.2024; 10:15PM (EDT)).

Let’s curb this grim statistic! I believe we can.

Let’s #Talk #Life , #TheMighty #Family , and make it common to discuss suicide, instead of wishing we only knew our friend or family member was silently struggling with ending their life.

#Depression #SuicidalIdeation #MentalHealth

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#LittleJoys of #Life

I just discovered my membership in this group. So, here’s to the “little things” in life that bring me joy.

The photo shows a last minute Christmas present that was given to me because I lost my two cats, a few years ago. My friend knew how much I love cats. Nice! I truly enjoy this soft neck thingy, or whatever you call them. Hmmm? Neck message…er??? Ha! And the mug is a replacement china coffee cup after my older one suffered an accidently cracked and shattered handle.

Last week, in the midst of serious issues, I spontaneously stopped in a Marshall’s shop after buying mechanical items at a store next to the building for my new 2024 repeatedly broken older car. Geez! It has me on pins and needles EVERY TIME I drive. However, after going into Marshall’s due to my fear of trying to start my car, I found all of the mugs at the back of the store. I then noticed one tucked away on a bottom shelf. Once I pulled it out and away from all of the larger ceramic mugs, I lifted the tag on the bottom of the cup. To my absolute delight and surprise, the printing stated it was a “Bone China” mug. Wow!!! Call me crazy, but coffee in a china mug seems to have a more gorgeously purer taste, in my opinion.

So, here’s to the #littlethings!

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Behind the Smile hides a Sea of Secrets

#imagine your #Life as a #different person. Imagine that you do not have a #MentalHealth condition that affects your everyday life. Think about it. Would you really be #happier by being Not You? I do not think so.

#everybody has #Problems , this is a phrase we hear a lot. It seems to minimize your own issues and make it seem as though someone else's means more #severe than your own concerns.

We are #luckier than most but not as lucky as some. That's another phrase an ex boyfriend once told me. I believe it. I may be #struggling to make #sense of things, but it will not make me #stop #Trying to do the right thing.

What are your #Thoughts ?

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I just wanna scream

#scream is something that would feel #good right now... But will it #help ?? I have been #struggling a lot and it has not been the #best #Feeling ever. Tonight I went over my recent #Events of #Life and thought that perhaps I had fell behind somehow.

I am #Trying to see what is #True !

What can I do to feel better about this #Job life? (And trying to find something more meaningful).

Please #helpme

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Pushing Through The Rough Patches

It seems lately that I keep climbing out of one crises into another. It is exhausting! I’m not sure if it was a gallstone attack or I caught some kind of a intestinal virus; but two weeks ago for 4 days I was in a complete nightmare. If you are in a wheelchair, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Even after the original symptems stopped, the gut cramping and bladder spasms pursisted. I really couldn’t eat anything for another week and it has only been the last 3 or 4 days that I have felt like I’m returning to my normal self.

I have had some really important reminders these past few weeks to the times in my life when I feel like I am pushing through the rough patches of life. It maybe just a reflective post but, I thought I’d share some of the words that have carried me through the survival of the past few days…

Move Slowly

Perhaps the most anguishing of my feelings was that I really don’t have time for this. It seems like I have been putting everything off for so long and I just want to get back at it. Even more truthfully, I am scared that if I stop moving… stop working out, stop driving, stop doing the house work, stop my transfers… I’m going to loose the abilities entirely. Perhaps it is vaniety too but, I also can’t help but feel ashamed at letting people down by not connecting with them or canceling, yet again, a planned visit or speaking engagement. I just don’t want to slow down.

#Disability #illness #MentalHealth #Life

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Pushing Through The Rough Patches

Pushing Through The Rough Patches

It seems lately that I keep climbing out of one crises into another. It is exhausting! I’m not sure if it was a gallstone attack or I caught some kind of a intestinal virus; but two weeks ago…
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