life

It is as easy as ABC...

Why don't you see?

Everybody sees, why don't you?

I guess, I am one of those crazy few...

It is as easy as ABC...

Why is your brain always so absentee?

Everybody knows, why don't you?

I guess, all those abused substances turned it into barbeque...

It is as easy as ABC...

Why is it then so hard for you?

Everybody gets it, why don't you?

I guess, that is why they always bid adieu...

It is as easy as ABC...

Why is it then so hard for you?

Everybody thinks it is as easy as ABC...

I guess, perhaps that is it! They think and I just be.

#Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #personality #personalitydisorder #abcsoflife #Life #Imposter #ImposterSyndrome

Anything about raising awareness, journaling, being creative or artistic, whatever you do if you have a hobby that helps you? If you have a blog about your mental health or physical health condition(s) life and coping :) feel free to share! Or whatever ^•^ helps you most.
:) #creative #Outlet #MentalHealth #physicalhealth #Blog #Vlog #Youtube #coping #Life

I love to journal and I love finding prompts to journal about. I just Google the prompts that I'm looking for and I find thousands of them. Tonight's prompt is really making me think. Especially about the positive. I know it sounds negative and pessimistic to say that I tend to think of the negative regarding my situation. I suppose negative thinking and internal dialogues are a normal aftereffect of being abused. But tonight I want to challenge those thoughts by writing something positive. So this brings me to the question: What do I love most about my life? I've never actually put much thought into this question. Maybe there isn't any one answer to this question but I'm going to answer this as best I can.

I tend to focus on the fact that I was abused and abandoned and this leads me to think that there is no good in my life. This isn't true. I love the fact that I can finally and genuinely feel safe. The hyper-vigilance of PTSD is still pretty active especially around people I don't know but now I can tell myself that I am truly safe. I have a family now that would protect me if they needed to. I can rest at night (pretty well) knowing that my nightmares can't hurt me and they aren't as bad as they once were. I love that I can be safe with a few select people and not shut them out because of distrust or fear.

I love that I am loved and wanted. After being abused and abandoned I felt objectified and unwanted. Now though I am expected at family functions and have been told how loved and wanted I actually am.

I love how I can create the life that I want without the fear of being abused again. No longer do I live in fear but I can now live each day as I choose. If I relapse I can show myself grace and love. If I have a healing day then I can celebrate it. I love how I can express myself without fear of retribution. I can be open and honest with myself and others and have my experiences and emotions validated. These might seem like little things so some but they are big things to me.

Just being free from abuse and fear and being able to adjust to life at my own pace means a lot. Like I always say, I am not fully healed but each day I am getting closer to my goal. I may have bad days where I slip up but I also have good days where I can be proud of myself and show myself the love that I always deserved. So I ask you: What do you love about your life? I won't tell you to think positive because I know that toxic positivity can be hurtful. I will tell you to celebrate your life and your accomplishments. You deserve it. Just as I do. I am so glad that I chose this prompt because now I feel more positive and happier compared to earlier. I hope this post inspires someone today. Blessings to you all.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Healing #Writing #Love #Life

My therapist told me yesterday that life is unfair. This sounds cliche and it probably is but it is reality. This I know. However I think I've dealt with enough of life's unfairness (at least for a while). I had 12 years of my life stolen from me by a man that was supposed to love and care for me. That didn't happen. Instead I was subjected to years of sexual abuse and was sexually assaulted. I was emotionally abused by a woman that was supposed to care about my feelings but didn't and still doesn't. All this pain is relatively fresh because the abuse only ended a few years ago. I feel that I have put in so much work through therapy and in my life in general to heal and yet even that doesn't seem good enough.

Maybe part of me doesn't want to accept the reality. That's something I need to work on. I often judge myself for many things and I want to work on this but at the moment I can't. I am too overcome with emotions to do that. I'm frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, confused. All the emotions I felt shortly after my trauma, I am feeling them again. On top of life being unfair by not allowing me to see a sibling that I miss and love very much. I cry over the whole situation sometimes yet I know my abusers aren't crying over me.

Somedays I think about giving up, I feel completely defeated like I do now. I know that it's a mindset but it's a hard one to get out of. Especially when I feel so helpless. There are so many factors in the situation that I have no control over, mainly other people unfortunately. And I have to accept this too. I can just add it to my list of things I have to accept. I know that I should look for a positive (my therapist says that a lot) but I don't think I can right now. I guess I just need to sit with my emotions right now.

I'm just so emotionally and mentally tired right now. Part of me wishes I couldn't feel anything right now. I'm tired of the emotional pain. Tired of feeling this way. Yet there appears to be nothing I can do. I'm just at a loss right now. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Rant over.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #rant #Life #frustrated #needhelp

My heart is racing and there is a tightening in my chest. I can't breathe. I feel out of control and beyond scared. I am panicked. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. I have a headache. What's happening? I'm not manic. I never feel this way when I'm manic. I'm triggered. I try to picture myself in a safe place where my abusers aren't present but just the thought of them and what they did take over my mind and send me into a panic. I want to move past this. I want to enjoy things. So I have to shift my focus.

I don't think I'll ever move past all my triggers because some are unavoidable. I have to accept that and take it in stride. Therapy and medications can only manage the condition but I believe it is also a mindset. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed I redirect my attention and thought challenge my negative thoughts. Sadly I tend to think the worst most of the time but if I just shift my focus to more positive things then I can work with my triggers. I can go to places that I want to go to.

If I choose to work with my triggers rather then against them then I can accomplish my goals. Shifting focus can also help me to see positives in life too. When my Bipolar Depression kicks in it makes it harder to see the positives. Even then I can find something to be grateful for.

Showing myself grace when I do get depressed and triggered is one of the ways I can help myself learn, heal and grow. I urge all of you to shift your focus and show yourself some grace. It's been 4 years of healing from years of abuse but the more I shift my focus the more I can accelerate my healing. I am no where near completely healed but I can say that I am getting there each day. I pray that all of you can do the same. Love and light to you all.

#PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #positive #Life #Healing #focus #Depression #Anxiety #triggers #TherapySkills #peace #Love #Spirirtuality

One of the skills I am being taught in DBT therapy is to be non-judgmental of myself and others. I am really trying to work on being non-judgmental of myself. Just accepting my thoughts and emotions as the come and as they are without judging them. I struggle with this because I fall into the trap of thinking because I am healing that I should not feel or think negative things.

I wanted to share this lesson with all of you because I think we judge ourselves too harshly. We judge ourselves for experiencing certain things, for feeling a certain way or thinking a certain way. We often beat ourselves up for a myriad of reasons and often times it is not justified.

So I think it's important that we all work on this skill. If we all work on this then maybe we can love ourselves a little more. Just accept you thoughts and emotions as they come, like waves in the ocean. Ride out the intensity and if it gets really bad, ask for help. We all deserve love from others including ourselves. Little by little we will get to where we are meant to be. Thanks for reading. I hope this helps and inspires someone today.

#Therapy #Skills #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Healing #Hope #Lessons #Life

I'm often told that I'm too loyal. That I try to help people to a fault. I suppose the it was the same with my abusers. I tried so hard to understand them, to save them from themselves and whatever they were running from. It hits much harder when the abusers are family members. As a child I was trapped and was forced to endure years of sexual and emotional abuse. Still I strove to see the good in them, or so I thought there was good in them. I partially blame myself because maybe if I hadn't seen them the way I wanted to see them and instead saw them for who they are, maybe I wouldn't struggle so much.

Then it hit me one day, no matter what illusion I had created the facts were clear: Families do not abuse, lie, manipulate and keep secrets. They don't pretend to keep up appearances either. Yet, growing up that is all I knew. Even into my adulthood before I spoke up I lived as if I was a child.

I try not to be so hard on myself because as a child my options were limited, it wasn't my fault my family wasn't healthy. Now things that didn't use to haunt me, do. I still lock up and freeze during confrontation or I give in. Two things I wish I didn't do. Despite being in therapy for 4 years I still have a lot to work through and a lot to learn. One thing I have learned however is this: You cannot save people, even if your intentions are good. I cried for days after learning this. I suppose the reason I wanted to say them was because I wanted to be seen, loved, heard and validated. I just thought that if I worked a little harder or did better that I could make them stop their abuse, I could make them better people. Sad thing is, I can't do that. People won't change unless they want to-including family. I now how to redefine family for myself. Slowly I am learning that even though there were good times in between the abuse that the abuse still occurred. Slowly I am learning a lot of things that will help me heal completely. As heartbreaking as that lesson was for me, it really opened my eyes. I cannot make them do what I want. I cannot make them apologize. I cannot make them see they were wrong. All I can do is move on and do the best I can. Live the life I create for myself and continue to heal, learn and grow. Thank you for allowing me to share this with all of you. As always, stay safe and reach out if you need to. We are here for each other.

#SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Family #ChildhoodAbuse #SexualAssault #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Hope #Healing #Lessons #Life

I used to beat myself up over the past, over the years of abuse I endured as a child and adult. I used to think that I should be healed by now. I should be where I want to be. I should be able to wake up with no to minimal anxiety or depression. I suppose that self blame is a normal reaction to being abused. Yet, I used to fall into the trap thinking that slow progress is no progress. Sometimes I still do. I tell myself that I should do a lot of things I suppose and here I am not doing many of them.

My therapist has told me time and again to not use "should" language all the time and now I see why. Healing is a journey not a destination. And while it has been 4 years since I last broke my silence I still have a long way to go. Living with three mental illnesses is draining and I often question why my healing journey gets so hard. So I lean on my faith and try to trust the process. As much as I try to trust the process, there are days where everything just hits a wall. I struggle with the emotional instability of #BipolarDisorder as well as the trauma of #PTSD and the emotional over reactivity of #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder I used to get down on myself because I felt that my mental illnesses got in the way of me making any progress. Now I realize that I have been rushing the process.

I am capable of healing to my full potential. Just like you are. I know now that slow progress is progress. Day by day whether or not it's a good or bad day I manage to make some progress. I am not responsible for the abuse but I am responsible for my healing. Someday I will get to where I was meant to be. I can look at life more objectively and positively now. Gaining mindfulness skills has helped me to achieve peace and calm even on my bad days.

I hope that you also believe that slow progress is progress and do not forget to celebrate the little victories. You deserve them. I know what it's like to struggle with anxious and depressive thoughts as well as suicidal thoughts. If you are experiencing any of this, please reach out. Your life matters! I believe in you. Thanks for believing in me. Together we can overcome anything. We are here for each other. Stay safe.

#abusesurvivor #SuicidalIdeation #Hope #Life #Healing