Angry#CPTSD #TBI #avm #multiplediagnosis
I'm realizing how angry I am.I have lost years,not by choice.Brain injuries and damage.I can't go forward without going back.im only a year in and I am not doing well finding out truths.I spent too much energy questioning all those around me,because my brain would not process certain events.no one considered my feelings or asked.No one asks.I've spent my whole life not trusting anyone.no one has proven completely loyal,not once.The whole while, I'm carrying secret after secret,for other people.But when I share my secrets...no one stays around.I have too many.I am at a crossroads,again.I once said
No more.I'm through with it.I have too many to carry.People don't want to face me,have relationships with me because I know,all of it..the ugly truths.I love with full intentions of staying and growing through our flaws.Others don't want to.People tell me or show me who they truly are,by fault to push me away.The mask is clear as glass.Ive been this way my entire life.I don't enjoy it.It is painful to see someone else in pain.to feel their intentions though,to feel it before it occurs,took years to understand.When you are surrounded by dysfunctional relationships and toxic dynamics between people,you see the darkness in yourself.it is painful to acknowledge and even more when you've caused the same on to some one you love.I do not know how to love someone.I can with a child.From afar or near...with adults,I do not engage.Out of sight,out of mind.I can be in complete admiration but wont engage. I do not know how to.I have no problem with the words.The action of affection,I freeze.I want to learn.I crave it,need it.But it hurts to be loved.I kept it in,for years on end.Expressing it,any emotion when needed,I do not want to be punished,rediculed,rejected,abandoned...AGAIN.
To have that given to you by an adult,as an adult.im in therapy for it,not to stop it,to learn to live with it,learn to say no and I'm not the same person I was.I don't know who I am,I'm making her up as she learns.