Unsolicited advice and other kinds of unhelpful help
This is story about something I cannot process. Recently I chatted with my friend and shared some basic informations why I left city. I didn't ask for advice, help or comment. I just shared informations because I wanted to, not expecting following conversation... Reasons for moving to other town and leaving some family members are abuse, violence and mental health problems as result of abuse. I am drowning in PTSD symptoms, depression, panic and anxiety. I cannot live normally. I am visiting psychiatrist and taking my meds.
So that person asked me "You don't have strenght to be support to your family members?"... It left me speechless. Next messages were about how I need to work so I will less think about my problems and myself. That person gave me advices, suggestions and words which left me angry with urge to write very unpolite and ugly things. In the end I apologised for my bad reaction to her words. My reaction wasn't fine even though I have every right to be angry, to cut off that friendship and say goodbye for forever.
I am still mad. It's because someone is pretty insensitive about pain and problems of other person and acts as she doesn't even know what terms as abuse, trauma and violence mean. Just because I left it doesn't mean I am selfish. Actually, that's an act of love for myself. Just because I left it doesn't mean I don't support some of my family members. I had to leave because I need to save myself before it's too late. Because I don't want to be in presence of violence, abuse and constant triggers anymore (aren't years enough?). Every person has right for life in peace. Person who told me these things didn't have bad intentions but it doesn't matter because pain is pain. Words can hurt even when somebody says them with good intentions. I wrote to that person that I am not searching for advices, I am just telling her what happened and that's it. She could write many validating things. She could just not answer because silence is sometimes greatest answer when you speak about wounded heart and mind-but she didn't. She commented as she is some kind of expert. I am not able to work a the moment due my mental health problems and other things. My mental health problems won't be "cured" with work. My problems aren't product of too much thinking. My problems and traumas will not disappear if I don't think about them. These comments suggested like it's somehow my fault. It's not my fault and I deserve help. I am not selfish because I left. I have every right to be unwell, ill and broken. It is how it is.
I decided not to open my heart and talk about my traumas anymore. Not even about some general informations. At least for now and maybe forever.
One day I hope I’ll come here to say I’m doing well. Today’s not that day. I should be happy, my husband and I got back together last month, we’re moving in our new to us house, I got a raise this morning at my job….. Yet all the hard stuff, the dark and heavy stuff, both some present circumstances and trauma from my past are weighing heavily on me. I’m fighting hard to stay out of my bed. I work tonight, 3rd shift, and it’s going to take everything in me to go. Today I zoned out while driving and my phone rang and startled me so bad I ran off the road into the ditch. I’m feeling so close to when I ended up in the hospital in February. I need a break, I need to rest. How do you tell people that though? How do you take a mental health break from life? You can’t just not go to work. I just feel like if I don’t take a break I WILL break. I even have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I don’t even care really. I’m hurting so much I don’t care about much of anything.
I came here because I know people understand. I’m at work, working a double shift. I started out having a great day then the heaviness and anxiety set in, followed by intrusive thoughts. Now I’m in physical pain on top of that. I keep smiling and acting like I’m fine to my co-worker and clients and I’m not fine at all. I’m tired of feeling terrible so often, I’m tired of thinking I’m a downer, a burden. I’m tired of faking ok. #CheckInWithMe
What do you do when you feel like the only person to understand and support you is your therapist? I have parents who love me but are elderly and my mom has early signs of dementia. I have three siblings who tell me mental illness is uncomfortable to talk about and that is why they don’t reply when I reach out. I separated from my husband in May, he told me the day after coming home from a ten day psych hospital stay that I wasn’t “keeping my promises” about doing better. I have seven children, three of whom are adults, two of them stopped speaking to me saying I’m faking for attention. One I’m currently staying with and she understands some yet I don’t want to be her burden. I have three close friends, one whom I cannot easily contact. The other two tend to panic or try to “fix” things, I know their intentions are good and it also isn’t helpful. Then again who wants to hear about my latest breakdown? I feel like a burden because I’m in crisis or struggling so often. I’ve spent the past two days in bed. I didn’t eat until about an hour ago and have been crying non stop for almost the same amount of time. I feel so alone. I’ve emailed my therapist twice today, twice yesterday. He allows that and understands sometimes it’s just to vent as he knows my support circle is small. How do you talk to friends and family? How do you open up to them when you are struggling, especially when to them it’s probably like “Here we go again!”! I hate mental illness! Right now I hate myself too! I hate being so needy and sensitive, so emotional! Just how many times can one person cry on someone’s shoulder before it gets old? I text the crisis text line a lot, I feel like too much. Someone else may need the time I’m taking up. Yet in those moments I truly and overwhelmed and lonely and scared and in pain. I’m always in pain. I had been hoarding pills I don’t take anymore, a backup plan if you will a plan with no specific timing. I told my therapist yesterday as I felt guilty about it, I promised to get rid of at least one bottle of pills. They’re still sitting there on my table at the end of my bed. I couldn’t get out of my bed much less leave the apartment. Now they’re taunting me. Tomorrow’s my daughter’s 15th birthday, I can’t do that to her. I ruined it last year by being on the psych floor and coming home that day. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to keep going like this. I don’t want to keep either feeling like a burden or struggling alone. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of struggling and I’m tired of feeling so alone and desperate. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Trauma #Lonliness #nooneunderstands #emotionalpain #SuicidalThoughts #Burden #struggle #tired #CharcotMarieToothDisease #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS
I’m having a very challenging day in the PTSD department. I feel like I can’t breathe. I can’t think of anything else. All of a sudden memories a decade old are painful like they happened yesterday. Do I know what triggered me? Of course but it doesn’t make the sensation more pleasant #spousalrapesurvivor #DomesticAbuseSurvivor #PTSD #emotionalpain
Peace was never an option.
Been anxious most of the time and not feeling of doing anything even some simple tasks, getting out of bed, eating and a lot of things. Having difficulty sleeping, totally restless since this year started. 😶
I’ve been trying meditation, positive self talk, manifest positive energy and all but seems like it’s not working at all. Maybe because I am trying so hard to avoid this pain. I have been dealing with this pain for quite a while and I feel like I shouldn’t deal with it anymore because it’s been too long and I shouldn’t be feeling this anymore. I thought this new year is the time to just move on. Perhaps the time has not come yet and I shouldn’t rush the healing process.
Or maybe I just don’t want to move on? Idk. 🥲
Just dealing with a lot of things. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting and feeling like I’m at the edge of a cliff. #Anxiety #emotionalpain #physicalpain #emotionaldistress