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Putting Words To It

While reading a piece of writing for my Lit class, I came across a great quote describing what many of us feel. I feel that this accurately describes mental and emotional pain, whether from mental illness or chronic physical illness that takes a toll on you mentally and emotionally. I feel this especially describes the emotional pain associated with Borderline Personality Disorder which is known as the equivalent to third degree burns over 90% of your body.

This quote is from a writing titled "Babylon Revisited".

"They're not like aches or wounds; they're more like splits in the skin that won't heal because there's not enough material."

#TheMighty #MightyTogether #Pain #mentalpain #emotionalpain #ChronicIllness #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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(BPD) Risky Behavior & Separated from your spouse

When someone temporarily leaves a person with bpd, we feel the whole world has fallen apart. We cry for hours, and the emotional pain and emptiness is torture like you couldn't even imagine unless you have bpd and in that situation. Then after a few days of dealing with the pain then you start splitting and you start to become another person, who you were before you got married, you re-adopt that personality. You hang out with old friends maybe that you stopped hanging with because you got married. You feel the marriage is over at this point. You start spending you and your spouse's life savings. To attempt to feel this void or this emptiness because the pain is just unreal. You just want to cry all day every day. And everything you do and every song you hear is reminding you of your spouse that deserted you. You will call your spouse a lot of times throughout the day when you start to feel that empty feeling again. Because you are needing your spouse to refill that emotional void that you have and no one can feel that void like our spouse can, so you just wait in emotional pain until that person comes back and the whole time you are an emotional wreck, and you keep splitting daily trying to be single even though you don't feel single.#BPD #Marriage #emotionalpain

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Response to Dr. Jordan B. Peterson

"Find what makes the suffering worth it."

The conflicting messages we receive:

Share your story/No one wants to hear your story

You need to talk about it/All you do is complain

Stand up for yourself/Go talk to a professional

Then, you talk to a professional and are told everyone in a family has different perspectives...the implication being, your truth is a misconception.


Talk to me/Shut the fuck up

This is why more and more of us are ranting on FB; no one wants to hear what we go through and we still need to get it out of our heads and hearts and we desperately need someone, anyone to care.

We are trying to keep our feet planted solidly on the surface of the earth instead of planted six feet under it.

And, those who dare to say, "Suicide is just transferring your pain to others," it is not OUR pain. It is the pain YOU have given to us. Suicide gives the pain back to it's rightful owners. We are exhausted from being the delegated pain carrier just because we were strong enough to carry it. Our legs are buckling from carrying it alone for far too long.

And, NO, Dr Jordan B Peterson, there is nothing that makes the suffering worth it when the suffering is done alone and nothing positive will ever come of it--no one cares to hear the stories of pain and what we did to survive it, no one cares to hear the songs, no one cares to view the drawings and paintings. And, if the value comes posthumously, I say, "Fuck that!"

People need to have remorse now and make life better now. Stop the suffering now. Having remorse when no amends can be made is an exercise in futility; because, without changes in the present, the problem persists generation after generation. Like a child who receives consequences for poor behavior hours later, they have no understanding what the punishment was for and, therefore, have no idea what behavior needs to change.

This essay was written for all the gurus offering advice from a place of no experience.

#Isolation #emotionalpain #Suicide #generationalabuse


Cyclical, Cynical, Pain

I raged tonight.
I cried.
I hurt.
I vented so much.
I still cannot fall asleep.
I still think of everything I have left inside.
I am still hurting.
I am still feeling
I am still reeling
I speak my truth, repeat the same story.
I am honest, know and own my mistakes
I am still not okay with this
And I am infuriated
I hate that I meant nothing in the end.
I hate that I gave space but none was given to me.
I hate that I loved with everything and was thrown away like trash.
I hate that I sacrificed, bled, injured, and loathed myself based off of someone else's idea of me.
I hate that in the end, promises are always broken, and friendship is forever forsaken
I hate that I still love, and give space, and wish well, and hope
I hate that I do not hate
So I rage
I cry
I hurt
I vent
I scream
And every night, the hole where my heart was is filled with tears, sadness, anger and loneliness
#Selfharm #Suicide #Depression #Grief #Friendship #Loss #emotionalpain


The emotional pain of families disinterest.

I find it deeply sad and soul destroying, that if I mention what I’m struggling with to my loved ones, the answer seems #yesweknow when wanting to share the rapid intensification of #symptoms of either #Bipolar or #BPD or #Depression etc…

Please remember friends, find your tribe. The people who #Suffer and live with what you do. This is where the #Understanding and #Kindness you’re seeking will be found.
I don’t believe anyone, no matter how much they love you, can even get a tiny glimpse of your #emotionalpain .
Don’t blame,, find others who feel and understand and have similar #mentalillnesses .
I hope this little nugget helps you in your #journey back to you.
Bipolarlinedeb ♥️🌹🌹


Unsolicited advice and other kinds of unhelpful help

This is story about something I cannot process. Recently I chatted with my friend and shared some basic informations why I left city. I didn't ask for advice, help or comment. I just shared informations because I wanted to, not expecting following conversation... Reasons for moving to other town and leaving some family members are abuse, violence and mental health problems as result of abuse. I am drowning in PTSD symptoms, depression, panic and anxiety. I cannot live normally. I am visiting psychiatrist and taking my meds.

So that person asked me "You don't have strenght to be support to your family members?"... It left me speechless. Next messages were about how I need to work so I will less think about my problems and myself. That person gave me advices, suggestions and words which left me angry with urge to write very unpolite and ugly things. In the end I apologised for my bad reaction to her words. My reaction wasn't fine even though I have every right to be angry, to cut off that friendship and say goodbye for forever.

I am still mad. It's because someone is pretty insensitive about pain and problems of other person and acts as she doesn't even know what terms as abuse, trauma and violence mean. Just because I left it doesn't mean I am selfish. Actually, that's an act of love for myself. Just because I left it doesn't mean I don't support some of my family members. I had to leave because I need to save myself before it's too late. Because I don't want to be in presence of violence, abuse and constant triggers anymore (aren't years enough?). Every person has right for life in peace. Person who told me these things didn't have bad intentions but it doesn't matter because pain is pain. Words can hurt even when somebody says them with good intentions. I wrote to that person that I am not searching for advices, I am just telling her what happened and that's it. She could write many validating things. She could just not answer because silence is sometimes greatest answer when you speak about wounded heart and mind-but she didn't. She commented as she is some kind of expert. I am not able to work a the moment due my mental health problems and other things. My mental health problems won't be "cured" with work. My problems aren't product of too much thinking. My problems and traumas will not disappear if I don't think about them. These comments suggested like it's somehow my fault. It's not my fault and I deserve help. I am not selfish because I left. I have every right to be unwell, ill and broken. It is how it is.

I decided not to open my heart and talk about my traumas anymore. Not even about some general informations. At least for now and maybe forever.

#Trauma #UnsolicitedAdvice #Abuse #DomesticAbuse #Depression #Anxiety #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #Pain #suffering #emotionalpain


Struggling again #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #emotionalpain #SuicidalIdeation #CheckInWithMe

One day I hope I’ll come here to say I’m doing well. Today’s not that day. I should be happy, my husband and I got back together last month, we’re moving in our new to us house, I got a raise this morning at my job….. Yet all the hard stuff, the dark and heavy stuff, both some present circumstances and trauma from my past are weighing heavily on me. I’m fighting hard to stay out of my bed. I work tonight, 3rd shift, and it’s going to take everything in me to go. Today I zoned out while driving and my phone rang and startled me so bad I ran off the road into the ditch. I’m feeling so close to when I ended up in the hospital in February. I need a break, I need to rest. How do you tell people that though? How do you take a mental health break from life? You can’t just not go to work. I just feel like if I don’t take a break I WILL break. I even have to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I don’t even care really. I’m hurting so much I don’t care about much of anything.


Pain #ChronicPain #CharcotMarieToothDisease #emotionalpain #CPTSD #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety

I came here because I know people understand. I’m at work, working a double shift. I started out having a great day then the heaviness and anxiety set in, followed by intrusive thoughts. Now I’m in physical pain on top of that. I keep smiling and acting like I’m fine to my co-worker and clients and I’m not fine at all. I’m tired of feeling terrible so often, I’m tired of thinking I’m a downer, a burden. I’m tired of faking ok. #CheckInWithMe


Alone #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #FeelingAlone

What do you do when you feel like the only person to understand and support you is your therapist? I have parents who love me but are elderly and my mom has early signs of dementia. I have three siblings who tell me mental illness is uncomfortable to talk about and that is why they don’t reply when I reach out. I separated from my husband in May, he told me the day after coming home from a ten day psych hospital stay that I wasn’t “keeping my promises” about doing better. I have seven children, three of whom are adults, two of them stopped speaking to me saying I’m faking for attention. One I’m currently staying with and she understands some yet I don’t want to be her burden. I have three close friends, one whom I cannot easily contact. The other two tend to panic or try to “fix” things, I know their intentions are good and it also isn’t helpful. Then again who wants to hear about my latest breakdown? I feel like a burden because I’m in crisis or struggling so often. I’ve spent the past two days in bed. I didn’t eat until about an hour ago and have been crying non stop for almost the same amount of time. I feel so alone. I’ve emailed my therapist twice today, twice yesterday. He allows that and understands sometimes it’s just to vent as he knows my support circle is small. How do you talk to friends and family? How do you open up to them when you are struggling, especially when to them it’s probably like “Here we go again!”! I hate mental illness! Right now I hate myself too! I hate being so needy and sensitive, so emotional! Just how many times can one person cry on someone’s shoulder before it gets old? I text the crisis text line a lot, I feel like too much. Someone else may need the time I’m taking up. Yet in those moments I truly and overwhelmed and lonely and scared and in pain. I’m always in pain. I had been hoarding pills I don’t take anymore, a backup plan if you will a plan with no specific timing. I told my therapist yesterday as I felt guilty about it, I promised to get rid of at least one bottle of pills. They’re still sitting there on my table at the end of my bed. I couldn’t get out of my bed much less leave the apartment. Now they’re taunting me. Tomorrow’s my daughter’s 15th birthday, I can’t do that to her. I ruined it last year by being on the psych floor and coming home that day. I don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to keep going like this. I don’t want to keep either feeling like a burden or struggling alone. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of struggling and I’m tired of feeling so alone and desperate. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Depression #Anxiety #CPTSD #Trauma #Lonliness #nooneunderstands #emotionalpain #SuicidalThoughts #Burden #struggle #tired #CharcotMarieToothDisease #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS