mymind

#MentalHealth #Depression #help #outofreality

Ican’t sleep. I have a lot of traveling to do in a few hours that will be a constant drive for 100’s of miles. I have so many thoughts and feels that sleep will not be a part of my day. Why do I take everything so personal? It’s like, if my husband said he was going to shower, I’d be upset bc he locks the door. I don’t understand why he locks it but it’s his thing. In my mind he must be in there doing something or talking to someone while the shower runs.
See my brain is sick and it can twist any situation into a catastrophic life altering situation. My mind is my own battlefield. I have to continually remind myself that a.) feelings are not FACTS, b.) I must be part of the solution not the problem and c.) revert back to either a & b anytime necessary to get through my insanity. Everything that someone else does isn’t a direct offense or defense to me personally. That concept is absurd. “The whole world revolves around me!” It doesn’t, and I have to tell myself that a million times everyday.
Inside my head everything and everyone is placed to encounter me, I am their purpose. Which leads me to a sense of duty and self sacrificing to all whom I encounter. I have to bend and fit into each individual as they flow in and out of my day. I wear a mask for each person. I try to portray the “ME” that individual requires from me. I could be 5 different versions of “ME” by noon on some days. It is exhausting. Adoring wife, kind and happy neighbor, innocent daughter, loving and supportive mother, middle (wo)man, con (wo)man, sex addict, drug addict, alcoholic, etc. I could be anyone of these personas with less than a flicker of an eye. A simple chameleonic change that is so fluid normal people don’t even know that it happens. It’s diabolical and scary. However I “morph” for them. To be who they expect me to be. I never want to disappoint, but ultimately I ALWAYS disappoint those closest to me. I over apologize and am always eager to satisfy all needs that I can meet for each person. When I say it is exhausting to be me, please know it is a harsh truth.
Anyways, I’m beginning to squirrel and I’m not even sure what my beginning goal of this thought was to express. If you read this, i wonder, do you relate or wish I had shut up after 2 sentences. Lol. Thanks