It’s bullshit that I can’t make commitments like I used to. I can’t live my day normally. I get overwhelmed by the thought of having a doctors appointment or somewhere ANYWHERE to be, because of my pain. What if my body tires out before going? What if it drains me emotionally? The stress of having to be somewhere when I know my body will most likely make it a challenge is unsettling (99% of the time it does too). I want to be able to push through with a commitment like I used to.. you know like oh wow hard day, I’ll just finish with that last thing I had to do and deal with the consequences later even though I knew it wasn’t a good idea. I’ll unwind with a beer later, it will be fine. I remember like it was yesterday. Well I can’t “deal” with overworking myself. The consequences are my body not functioning, locking up for weeks at a time, pure torture and pain. I hate having to adjust my life and goals because my body is limiting me. I can’t go to the beach now because I forgot that my body can’t sit in a car for more than an hour. I can’t watch dancing videos without crying because my body once moved like that and won’t no longer. Why did something so precious have to be taken from me.. I want my mobility. I want to attend outings, appointments without it pushing my limits. I canceled my therapy appointment today because I was challenged physically and mentally this morning with my daughter. The thought of going to therapy and rehashing things was making me feel ill. Her nap time had to be pushed later and I felt the stress in my neck. I was protecting myself from possible physical repercussions later. And now I have to pay $150 for wasting her time. I sound so insane, it’s such a simple thing I took for granted in the past. Schedule and regularity in life. In a way it’s a blessing In disguise, it’s made me more humble now, more aware of my feelings and how they directly effect my health. But why. Why can’t it be normal again. Why why why. I want to commit. Be reliable. I don’t want to be a flake. I don’t want to live my life this way. I want to be understood. But no one understands it until they live it... #ChronicPain #Fibromyalgia #myofacialpain
Latest
