Neurodiv

There is something incredibly powerful about being truly understood. It’s a rare, great moment in life where everything feels right. As if you’ve finally found the key to unlock every door you’ve been banging on for years. The moment came to me when I started to understand my mental health diagnoses.

Most of my life, I’ve felt trapped in my own body. It’s a feeling of isolation, and a numbness that never seemed to leave me. I faced many struggles, and I felt misunderstood, like I didn’t quite fit the mold. Society pressures us to conform to its established standards, but neurodivergence often makes this conformity challenging.

I always thought I was different, broken, and misjudged by my peers. I generally ignored and suppressed my feelings of discontentment. I just assumed that I shy, and quiet, things that others pointed out about me. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I sought help from what felt like hitting rock bottom. I was in a black hole of depression, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but that didn’t feel like I had the full picture. There was still a missing puzzle piece that was like a needle in a haystack trying to find. It wasn’t until I turned 35 that I finally received the diagnosis of ADHD, and bipolar disorder. But I still knew there was something else missing. I did further research into autism in women, and that struck me like lightening. Everything came full circle and finally started to make sense.

I wasn’t just “quirky” or “awkward” or “lazy.” I had real, diagnosable conditions that shaped my experiences, thoughts, and behavior. For the first time in my life, I felt seen. That puzzle piece I was searching for was finally discovered and fit perfectly into place. What made this moment different? It was the validation. An acknowledgment that I wasn’t just me imagining things.

All the years of struggling, of feeling like I was continually fighting myself, had a reason. I received permission to stop pretending and start embracing who I truly am. I stopped trying to hide the parts of myself that I never wanted to expose to the world. Parts of me that felt shame, fear, and anxiety.

I always felt like I was invisible. I stayed out of everyone’s way. I would hide my flaws and inner turmoil. I became a master at keeping my mask up. I avoided situations where I might have to explain myself. I didn’t speak up when I felt something wasn’t right. I’m an emphatic person, so when I saw someone being bullied, it was internal agony not to say something. I was too afraid to face judgment and being bullied myself. So I sat quietly, watching others be cruel. I just tried to blend in because of that fear, and it somehow worked for me.

Now that I have clarity of what was going on, I don’t feel the need to hide anymore. I want to let that carefully crafted mask down. It was the most freeing experience of my life. The weight of feeling overlooked had been lifted, and I can be myself without apologizing.

Even though the “I’m sorry’s” are forever ingrained in me. still continue to apologize to people all of the time. It was the years of feeling genuinely in everyone’s way. Like they were more important, more deserving than myself. It’s probably because I never felt worthy of being seen. I never felt that I lived up to my potential, and felt undeserving of other’s praise, and acceptance.

As a woman with autism spectrum disorder, I like repetitive behaviors. I like the ease of knowing what is to be expected. I don’t like surprises. I get easily frustrated when plans change. It bothers me when my schedule is disrupted and thrown off course. I listen to the same music all of the time because it is familiar and comfortable. I’m inherently a nail bitter, hair twirler, and rub my hands together until they’re sweaty and sore.

The most fulfilling stim for me is vocalizing. I can yell, sing, and mumble conversations with myself. It soothes the ache of inner pain, a pain that can’t be healed. It is a misery that makes you feel restless. You want to release it so badly, but you can’t. You need to do something to self soothe. A lot of people self-harm, but I chose to verbally tell myself, “It’s okay, you’ll be okay.” I repeat this aloud until the tension lessens.

This journey of self-awareness is a process. It is not something that cured or magically go away on its own. It is something that requires patience, resilience, and a whole lot of inner strength. Each day, I get a little closer to understanding and accepting the real me. The person I’ve always been but was too afraid to get to know. It is a tremendously wonderful feeling to let your guard down and embrace your authenticity.

So, if you’re in a place where you’re having the same struggles, please know that you’re not alone. Sometimes it just means finding the right support system. It could also mean finding the right diagnosis to make sense of what’s going on inside.

This is just the beginning of my journey. I have a very long way to go, but I’m overjoyed to continue discovering more about myself. Both the light and the dark. I’m learning to see myself in a way that I never thought was possible. The true meaning of being understood.

It is a liberating feeling going down the path that leads to self-progression. It also enables healing from the past, and confronting those inner demons. I know that I will continue to fight for my place in the world. I do not care what others might think of me. I’m living my life genuinely, and that’s a dream in itself.

“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” --Carrie Fisher

#MentalHealth #ADHD #AutismSpectrumDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #Neurodiv