at the age of 7 I realize that something was wrong or that was my mom said about me I wasn't really happy or sad I always have mood swings but it wasn't my thing it was something else I thought after I get in trouble of things like the one time I punched a kid for my pen at the time I was not really thinking and the time I snapped back at my mom and the next day I forgot about it all and when to school or turned back into a happy person I was those now at the age at 14 was trigger points of my ADHD of me forgetting and my mood swings in like something Bipolar or anger issues and I hope this dont make anyone uncomfortable....
An Open Letter to my Neurotypical Husband ... Love Always, your untreated ADHD Wife
To my husband - I am so sorry that you keep getting caught up; circling in the hurricane that does not have a name. I cannot even imagine how you deal with all that. Oh, but wait that hurricane does have a name – JULIE.
With a master plan to get it all accomplished; my #ADHD loves the most complex household projects - ripping everything apart to get it all perfect.
But little by little the #Anxiety kicks in and I forget where I began or what I wanted to accomplish. Next sets in the overwhelm and I cannot figure out - what to do next or how to get it all done. Do you remember what the master plan was? So, circles I start pacing until I lose all motivation. Slowly I turn inward as I cannot seem to face it.
I am sorry if you think it is all a bunch of excuses - for me to do nothing and all for you to do. I try to think of the reason, the theory to the madness; of what shiny object pulled the direction of my attention.
I wish you would believe me - I do not want to leave everything for you. I do not want to cause you more stress. I do not want you to despise me and regret our life together.
But please understand - I do not need the rude comments, or it always being thrown in my face. I see what I left undone and tasks that need my attention. I am fully aware of how I am always searching for what is lost and cannot seem to be found. And all the constant reminders of how I can never seem to remember.
I am sorry my attention cannot stay in one spot for too long – I just need help to bring it back around. And I am sorry if I snap back but it’s because I always feel like such a failure.…
I see these other women and it all comes so easy. They can juggle a husband, a household, three kids. These women have careers but also seem to volunteer. They go to the spa, also the gym. They hang out with best friends and enjoy their husbands on their date nights. They even manage to have some guiltless “ME” time. They look so good handling it all in stride; with an overflow of energy and time that seems to have no limits.
But then my “WHY” sets it - Why can’t I get it all together? Why can I not get a system down to get it all done? Why is it so draining and energy sucking? Why can I not motivate? Why do I feel like such a f*ck up at being a mother and wife?
You must understand that living this life filled with never ending chaos - led me to be overly critical of what I can accomplish. It takes a momentum of energy to keep it all together and to maintain a constant smile on my face – because if I smile on the outside, maybe I can learn to smile on the inside?
I do not want anyone to see my pain, to see the struggle, to see how hard day to day is for me. Not because I do not want to come across as weak. We all have difficult times and are weak at some point – especially when life seems to keep beating us down. But rather I do not want anyone to see the embarrassment and the shame; that I managed to keep buried deep down inside.
It takes a whole week to fold one basket of laundry. – How can I feel like that was such a struggle with all of my energy that has depleted?
Give me the challenges and difficult situations. Give me the obstacles with every hurdle in the way. I will dive in headfirst without a second thought. I will keep my composure and a smile on my face. I will focus all my energy in making sure we don’t fail. I will find the wiggle room to give you both what you desire. I will continue to push us thru and pave the way and I will not be phase until I know you both are happy and safe.
I thank you for always sticking by my side. I just want to make sure you know how much I appreciate all that you do and how much I truly do love you.
Love always, your untreated #ADHD wife
Birth Control and My Mental Health
I started birth control 2 weeks ago. Up until that point I had been managing my mental health really well. Going to school and feeling interested / engaged, taking my medication, feeling relaxed and happy. I decided to make an appointment with a doctor for birth control as my cramps were really bad when my period would come. My mom had told me birth control helped her with this and a friend of mine said the same. I’ve been in a long term relationship for 3 years and do not plan on having kids anytime soon as I’m only 22; so birth control seemed like a bonus in that department. Since taking the birth control, I have felt easily agitated, overwhelmed, stressed and overly emotional. It feels like I haven’t been taking my normal medications even though I take them every night with the birth control. I have BPD, and my councillor suspects undiagnosed ADHD. I am really struggling lately with feeling engaged and being emotionally stable. I can’t focus well on school. The doctors told me to see if I regulate in a month or 3. I’m trying my best to use self compassion and patience with myself. But if I’m being honest, sometimes I don’t know how much longer I can feel like this again. I really hate feeling so disregulated. Anyways, I just wanted to share my experience, thank you for listening. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BirthControl #Anxiety #ADHDInGirls
I was recently in an ADHD Facebook group and venting about how tough things have been lately.
I got a lot of messages from well-meaning people saying “oh, it’s ok, it happens to your neurotypical coworkers too.”
I know these comments come from a good place, but they make me feel awful.
For me, the way it makes me feel is “well, if everyone else struggles with this too and they’re staying afloat, what’s my excuse?”
Similarly, I have a #BrachialPlexusInjuries that causes my left hand to not work well. I don’t expect myself to type as well as I did before. I don’t think anyone would. For me, it helps to remind myself “hey, of course I’m struggling, I’ve got these wonky things wrong with me, I can’t compare to others.”
It’s the same with my #ADHD as well. I like reminding myself “hey, I’m playing with one hand tied behind my back, of course I’m struggling sometimes.”
How do others feel about this?
Do I have ADHD or am I exaggerating?
- Every big decision I ever made has been impulsive.
- My house is a mess. If I start cleaning I am all over the place and suddenly I am hyper focusing on some irrelevant detail.
- I have all my life not comprehended how people are able to follow those long boring conversations or meetings. Why is it only me who struggles with this. What’s wrong with these people. Let’s get on with it instead of talking it to death.
- I can read a book, play the piano or play a video game and forget the world exists. Time passes by and I don’t notice. I am on a different planet
- I misplace everything all the time. Find my phone is so helpful. I lose it, and other things several times a day, and I just had it in my hand..
- If it’s not in my calendar or my list it does not exist. I never remember any appointments. Must have alarm reminders.
- I got in trouble a lot for not paying my bills. Luckily it now goes automatic. Unless I get a new bill from a new place. Ooops.
- I could never study in school like the others. Instead of reading I’d go straight to taking previous exams for practice. At night when everything else is quiet. Often only the day before.
- I get up and leave a meeting if I can’t stand it. I pretend to go to the bathroom so I don’t seem rude.
- when things go slow my body hurts out into my fingertips and toes.
- I lose control of my feelings. But when it’s over it’s over.
- out of sight out of mind.
- I always do at least two things at a time.
- I tried so many sports. I quit after my first game or performance then go on to the next.
- i prefer being with kids. They are more action, less talk. Grown ups are so slow…
I am a woman of 38 years old feeling like I am pretending to be an adult. I now have ME/CFS, but could I also have ADD/ADHD?