What We Could Be Overlooking in Children Who Are ‘Old Souls’ or ‘Mature for Their Age’

My entire childhood, well-intentioned adults would comment on how I was an “old soul,” “mature for your age,” and “a little adult in a child’s body.” These comments were made as compliments and were lapped up by my mother as proof of her astounding parenting. She wore them as a badge of honor, propping me up like a little porcelain doll as the “perfect child,” one that avoided doing anything to cause trouble and who would bend over backward to fit in among a crowd of mostly grown-ups.

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Unfortunately, there was more than met the eye. I wasn’t just a well-behaved child, I was a child whose youth and development had been completely disrupted by trauma.

Let me be clear, I’m not talking about a child who is gifted and in accelerated classes. I’m not even talking about a child who has good manners. I was both of those things, and perhaps an argument can be made for why sometimes those traits grow out of fear or intimidation, but that’s for another article at another time. No, what I’m talking about is a child who appears to have skipped their entire childhood and moved straight into adulthood. One who has lost the wonder, creativity, playfulness, and even that healthy narcissism children possess which enables them to figure out who they are and to assert a healthy dose of rebellion against their parents. This isn’t just dangerous, it’s sinister.

I can recall when about six years ago, I first told my uncle about being sexually abused and about how smothered I felt by my overly enmeshed mother who parentified me. His response was, “I didn’t think anything was wrong. You were like a little grown-up, but I just thought you were mature for your age, not that you were unhappy and being abused.” My uncle was the closest thing to a dad that I had growing up and if anyone could have stepped in to help me, he was the one to do it. I relied on him, but he missed the telltale signs of trauma, not because he didn’t care, but because he too bought into the myth of the “old soul.”

Children aren’t supposed to act like little grown-ups. They aren’t supposed to be perfect, always disciplined, always well behaved and able to fit in amongst adults. Sometimes, a child who has learned to act like a little grown-up is a child who has had their humanity snuffed out of them. It can be a child who has determined that being a child is dangerous, vulnerable, and undesirable. For whatever reason, that child has had to become a chameleon, morphing themselves into whatever they have determined to be the least recognizable so that not only could they protect themselves from predators, but they could become invisible to those around them. And that’s devastating.

In my own personal experience with this, I desperately wanted someone, anyone, to see through the facade I had created. I wanted them to look past the grown-up mask and costume I had donned and to embrace the terrified little girl who couldn’t explain what sexual abuse was or how witnessing her mother self-harm made her feel helpless. I needed permission to be naughty, sad, scared, and permission to say no. But most of all, I needed an intervention, a hero to tell me, “You don’t have to protect your mommy. She’s supposed to protect you.”

That hero never showed up.

If you come across a child who strikes you as an “old soul” or “mature for their age,” don’t say it out loud. Don’t contribute to the problem by reinforcing the behavior as something cute or desirable. Get curious. Try to engage that child. Inquire about their hobbies and interests. Ask them about kid things. Help them tap into their inherent child selves. And employ your “spidey senses.” Observe that child and how they interact with caregivers, siblings, or others. Do you notice anything amiss? Does the child seem afraid of someone or something? Are they avoiding certain people or things? Children need to know there is someone they can trust who is safe, someone with whom they are able to let their guard down.

I know what you’re thinking. What if I’m wrong and I make assumptions about a child that are erroneous? What if I make gentle inquiries to a parent and get rejected? What if it ruins our relationship? That’s a risk. But the implications of choosing to ignore this red flag are too devastating. Children deserve a community of adults who are trauma informed and can help children obtain the help they need at a young enough age to hopefully stave off or at least minimize the development of trauma related chronic mental health conditions in adulthood. Your intuitiveness might just be the thing that saves that child’s life — and that’s something worth taking a risk for.