5 Things to Know Before Dating Someone With PTSD

Dating is hard no matter who you are, but for someone with anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dating can be even more difficult.

• What is PTSD?

I live with generalized anxiety disorder and PTSD from sexual violence. In my last relationship, I discovered that I bring boundaries and experiences to a relationship that not all people do, and not everyone knows how to care for me and understand those boundaries. So I put together a few key things one may want to know before pursuing a relationship with someone who has anxiety or PTSD.

1. Don’t take things personally

Because I had multiple panic attacks around my last partner, he began to think it was because of him and that it was his fault. I promised him time and time again that it wasn’t, but it was hard for him to believe. Because of past trauma, I have a hard time feeling comfortable in a room alone with a man. It is not because of my partner himself — I trusted him and felt comfortable around him — it is because of what I endured in the past. You may think “she doesn’t like me” or “what did I do?” but often, one’s reactions are because of the past trauma, not a reflection of you. I suggest looking through your partner’s eyes instead of your own; the panic is not a reflection of you.

2. Ask about and respect boundaries

I have boundaries that aren’t as typical as other individuals. It took communication between my partner and me to discover what was and wasn’t comfortable because some things made me panic while others didn’t. Every person is different, so finding what works and doesn’t, as well as respecting those boundaries, is key to a strong foundation in the relationship.

3. Try to listen and understand your partner and their story

For me, sharing that I have PTSD was something I told my partner on our first date. I didn’t want him to see me have a panic attack and not know why. Others may not be so upfront with that information, so you may not know so quickly. Once you know, it means a lot from your partner’s perspective to know that you actively try to understand and listen. It may not make sense, but trying to listen and understand is very meaningful. Try not to dig into the past. They may not be comfortable sharing, so let them share when and if they feel ready.

4. Be patient

It can take a lot out of someone to care about a person with PTSD or anxiety. If you plan to pursue the relationship long-term, you must have patience for your partner and faith in yourself. It is common for sexual violence survivors to experience many confusing feelings that can create distrust, anxiety and anger. Every person’s response is different, but no matter what, you must have patience. It may take more time than the average person for a survivor of sexual violence to trust someone, so you must have faith in yourself that you can handle times of waiting if necessary.

5. Ask what you can do to make your partner most comfortable

I had multiple fairly major panic attacks around my partner. In the moment, I wasn’t in the best headspace to tell him that I just needed to sit in silence, so he bombarded me with questions and tried to hold my hand, when in reality, that was the exact opposite of what I needed. He became very concerned and made a very big deal of it, which made me very embarrassed because I didn’t like him worrying about me frantically. Although he didn’t have bad intentions, I didn’t clarify how he could best care for me, which made things worse for me.

If your partner doesn’t clearly state how you can best help in times of panic, ask. Some individuals may want to have their mind taken off of the panic by being asked questions or having their hand held, but not everyone feels that way. To avoid making your partner feel bad, uncomfortable or embarrassed, ask how you can best care for them.

Dating someone with PTSD can be hard, but it can also be wonderful. Your partner may have different needs than someone else, but once they are understood, the needs are not as intense or difficult to care for. If you don’t know how to care for your partner in a situation, just ask.